I Reviewed The Wigs In The Movie, “Swallow,” So You Don’t Have To

October 22, 2021

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today, I’ll be reviewing the wigs in Kunle Afolayan’s Netflix movie, “Swallow.”

First of all, let me just say that the name of this movie is super misleading. Maybe it’s just me but for a movie named “Swallow,’ I expected to see a lot of swallowing…

“Swallow” is a movie made by Kunle Afolayan. It’s about a girl named Tolani (Niyola) who practically spends the entire movie GOING THROUGH IT. Jesus Christ. Tolani’s life is straight-up diarrhoea. She exists in 1985 Nigeria, is poor as hell, and works a dead-end job where she is constantly sexually harassed by her boss and gossipped about by her coworkers. After she loses her job and things get even harder, Tolani decides to join her best friend and roommate, Rose (Ijeoma Grace Agu), in smuggling drugs for some guy that looks like the offspring of John Okafor and early 2000s Hanks Anuku.

After trying and failing to SWALLOW the wraps of drugs she’s supposed to smuggle, Tolani is like, “What the fuck is this shit?” and decides to move back to her village to join her mother’s Adire business. Rose is determined to never give up and carries on with the plan but promptly dies on the CGI plane after the drug wraps burst open in her stomach.

I’m not even kidding.

Other stuff happens in the movie’s two hour run time, but what I just gisted you are the most important parts. The movie is…just fine. It’s too long in my opinion. Niyola acts her ass off in it and did amazing but the real star is Ijeoma Grace Agu who plays the tough Rose. In Kunle Afolayan fashion, the setting is perfect. He does an amazing job of bringing 1980s Lagos to life with props and fashion. The only things in this movie that stand out in a terrible way are the wigs. If you know me, you know I’m OBSSESSED with bad wigs.

You see the wigs in this movie? The wigs in this movie will haunt my dreams for the rest of my days. It’s like the spirit of Tyler Perry possessed both Kunle Afolayan and the person in charge of hair on set, causing them to look at the actors in the movie and say, “LET’S FUCK THESE PEOPLE UP.” That’s why I’ve brought you all here today. To talk about the crusty ass wigs in this movie because I will never know peace if I don’t.

1) This wig on Rose’s head.

This character was onscreen a lot and even though I was living for the actress’ performance, all I could think of whenever she showed up is how this wig looks like a shower cap disguised as hair. If you need a wig that will protect your real hair underneath and still somewhat look like hair if you ever get caught in the rain or decide to shower with it because you’re having shower sex with a stranger/potential love interest and you don’t want them to see you in your true form, this is the wig for you.

2) This wig on Franca’s head.

Franca’s personality and eyebrows are off-putting enough so having to gaze upon this mess on her head whenever she showed face was a real struggle. This wig is a hat. It’s a hairy hat. It looks like it’s made out of dyed cotton. If Franca ever wanders near a fire in this cap, goodbye to her.

3) These wigs on Tolani’s nameless coworkers.

They have no lines. They’re quite literally just extras but the movie’s hair person still felt the need to put both of them in wigs that look like broccoli. I couldn’t focus on the scene because of them. They’re both serving 48-year-old civil servant energy with those wigs and personally, I think they deserved better.

4) The wig on this random person they run into the club.

Bruno Mars called. He wants his hair back.

5) These wigs.

These aren’t wigs. They’re plants. These ladies are wearing vines on their heads, and I want to know who is responsible for this. Imagine having as little screentime as these two and then the hairstylist on set destroys a potted plant and places the remains on your head.

6) These sideburns, moustache, and soul patch on Sanwo.

Honestly, I can’t tell if they’re real or fake. But looking at Deyemi Okanlawon walking around the movie looking like Super Mario stressed me out.

7) This wig on Johnny’s head.

What is this wig? This wig is a rodent. Anytime he came onscreen, I half-expected the wig to squeak and jump off his head. And that side part? What did that side part achieve? Even worse, when he turns around, you can see that this wig is clearly a squirrel skin cap sitting on top of his real hair. Take a look:

That ponytail?! SKDHFKJDHFKJ!

8) This wig on OC’s head.

This wig is a helmet. If you fall off a motorcycle going at full speed while wearing this wig, your head will be just fine. It’s the road that’ll be in trouble. This is the same wig Mechad Book’s wore in that movie “A Fall From Grace.” This wig makes him look like one of the cartoon globetrotters. This wig moonlights as a sponge for washing pots.

9) This wig on the pastor’s head.

I’m losing my mind at the fact that Kunle Afolayan couldn’t score himself a good wig for this cameo. This wig is proof that God has abandoned us. This wig is what my sleep paralysis demon has on whenever it sashays from the corner of my room to choke me.

10) This wig on Godwin’s head.

I don’t…I don’t even know what this is. What is that hairline? Why are the sides levitating off his head? The wig looks like a piece of an old rug. It looks like someone glued a shit ton of pubic hair together and called it a day. This wig is going to tear a hole in the fabric of space and time, cause a black hole, and suck the whole planet in. This wig is the reason why aliens don’t want to communicate with us. I hate this wig so much.

RECOMMENDED: I Attended A Moaning Competition So You Don’t Have To

moaning competition

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this


Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

November 14, 2019

The fourth season of Big Brother Naija came to an end over a month ago, but the conversation surrounding the housemates is far from over. So, in a bid to keep the fire burning, we decided to create a quiz that tells you which famous member of the ‘Pepper Dem’ gang is your soulmate. Take […]

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

April 1, 2020

Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:

November 7, 2019

These days, everyone is always talking about how much sex they’re getting, or how little sex they’re getting, or how disgusting sex is etc. There’s just so much talk about sex, it’s almost impossible to know who’s lying and who’s telling the truth. In anticipation of our new series about the sex lives of young […]

November 28, 2019

There are so many talented and stunning Nollywood actors that make it hard not to fall in love with them. So, while we all know the likelihood of us ending up with any of them is super low, it’s still fun to imagine a world where we actually stood a chance, and that’s why this […]

November 1, 2019

Twitter is buzzing right now, bringing a new conversation to the concept of cool vs not-so-cool, especially in relationships. If you’ve been thinking about how much of a red flag you are, why don’t you let this quiz help you decide once and for all?

More from So You Don't Have To


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.