If Superman Were A 30+ Yoruba Man

March 12, 2021

Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians. 


Listen! With everything going on in this country, it is obvious we need extraterrestrial help and our witches are clearly on strike — who can blame them?

So that’s why on this week’s episode of Just Imagine, I turn Superman (Clark Kent) into a 30+ Nigerian man named Kola.


It is just past 9 p.m. in the Agege area of Lagos.

Kola, a 35-year-old Nigerian man, is asleep on the couch in front of a television set. The newscaster on the TV talks about the war in Afghanistan as Kola snores.

Newscaster: … And just last week, another mine exploded.

Voice: (from outside) Help! Help!

Kola: (snores)

Voice: (from outside) Superman! Help oh!

Kola continues to snore. The phone in his right hand starts to ring and wakes him. Kola picks the call.

Kola: Hello?

Caller: Superman, we need you! At Ajah!

Kola: (frowns) You know this is what I don’t like. I am just coming from that Ajah side. Why didn’t you call me that time? Now, traffic is everywhere.

Caller: Don’t you fly?

Kola: (looks at the phone in anger) So, I should be flying up and down because I don’t have work?

Caller: Isn’t this your job?

Kola: You called me to do interview?

Caller: Please, just come.

Kola: (Rolls eyes) Do you have money for Toll Gate?

Caller: We will still pay?

Kola: Should I come abi I should not come?

Caller: Be coming.

Kola drops the call and stands. He walks into his room and pulls a box from under his bed. He opens the box, but it is empty.

Mrs Ajayi, Kola’s mother, walks into his room with a bag and sits on his bed.

Mrs Ajayi: (heaves) Thank you, Jesus.

Kola: Mumsy, where is my cloth?

Mrs Ajayi: That your red cloth? I’ve burnt it. No child of God wears red.

Kola:

Mrs Ajayi removes a white agbada from the bag she brought in.

Mrs Ajayi: This is what you will be wearing to be doing this work now. 

Kola: I should be using agbada to be rescuing people?

Mrs Ajayi nods and pulls out a shiny green ‘The Lord’s Chosen’ vest from the bag.

Mrs Ajayi: Pastor said you should be wearing this one too. To spread the ministry as you’re flying.

Kola: I should be doing billboard for pastor? I’m not helping you to wear that one oh.

Mrs Ajayi: When you have money to rent your own house, you can be wearing what you want.

Voice: Help!!!

Kola: (to the air) Wo, you people should be calming down o!

Kola wears the agbada and starts to leave.

Mrs Ajayi: (removes Goya Oil from her bag) Come and kneel down here for me. Let me use the blood of Jesus to cover you.

Kola grumbles as he kneels while his mother prays.

Mrs Ajayi: …Thank you, Father Lord!

Mrs Ajayi finishes and Kola makes for the door.

Mrs Ajayi: Kola, wait o! Grind this beans when you are coming!

Kola:

Kola grudgingly takes the plastic container and walks out of the house. He runs for two seconds to gain momentum before he launches into the air. He is airborne for 23 seconds before he jumps down.

Kola: Omo. 

Kola: (annoyed)  Okada! Heis! Come! Ajah.

The okadaman stops and Kola gets on it.

Okada man: Your money na N8K o

Kola: E be like say you dey crase. Na N2K.


It starts to rain and the okada finally stops in front of a small bungalow. Kola jumps off the okada.

A young woman, Chika, is sitting by a window that is slightly open while peeling egusi.

Woman: (shouts nonchalantly) Superman o! Help o!

Kola walks to the window, holds the iron burglary and peeps.

Kola: Are you the one that has been shouting my name?

Chika: (startled) Don’t be looking inside someone’s house like that now.

Kola: Are you ok? Are you not the one that called me?

Chika: Since morning, you’re just coming?

Kola: (hisses) Who needs my help?

Chika: Our transformer just blow now now.

Kola: So, who did it shock?

Chika: Nobody. We want you to repair it.

Kola: I should be touching transformer inside rain? So I can shock?

Chika: Sanwo Olu said we should call you. It’s not like you can die.

Kola stares at her. She stares back at him. They stare at each other for two minutes until Kola breaks the silence.

Kola: Give me 2K to pay this okada man.

Okada man: Your money na 5k o

Kola: (to Chika) Give me 5k there.

Chika hisses and closes her window. Kola knocks at the window.

Kola: Sister!… Do you use to grind beans here?

Kola’s phone rings. He picks up.

Kola: Hello!

Caller: We need your help, Superman!

Kola: Which side?

Caller: That Ikorodu area.

Kola: Is it after that Majidun?

Caller: Yes.

Kola: That place they use to hawk kryptonite?

Caller: Only when traffic is plenty.

Kola hisses and drops the call.

Okadaman: Oga! Your money na 5K

Kola: Carry me to where I will grind beans first.

Kola tries to sit on the bike but he zooms off and leaves Kola standing there holding the bucket of beans. Kola moves back and starts running to launch into the air, but he falls.

Kola: Omo x 2,000.


Kola resigns to his fate and starts walking away when his phone starts ringing again. He picks up.

Kola: Hello! I say I am not coming to Ikorodu!

A woman with a soft, sultry voice speaks.

Woman: Hey, so we need your help at Lekki. We hope you’re not busy?

Kola: Busy? Me? No. Are you in danger?

Woman: Sort of… Well, see we…

Kola: I am coming now now!


Kola launches into the air and flies to Lekki. By the time he reaches there, he is spent and exhausted.

The woman and four other women, all dressed up, walk towards him.

Woman: Hey, you made it.

Kola: (pants) Yes o. What is the problem?

Woman: Can you Uber us to Ikoyi?

Kola: (stares in confusion) You called me here… So I can…

Woman 2: Well, the traffic is crazy so we were thinking you could carry us to our destination.

Kola: Is like you people are mad.

An old woman pushes past the ladies and walks up to Kola.

Old Woman: Is it not you they are calling Superman?

Kola: Yes, mama.

Old Woman: Come and help me carry tomato.

Kola: (infuriated) Because I am alabaru?


It is afternoon and Kola is laying on his bed. The TV is on and a newscaster is reading the news.

His girlfriend, Lola, is laying next to him. She starts to touch his chest.

Kola: Lola, I don’t have any energy for all this one o.

Lola: (sits up in anger) But you can fly up and down?

Newscaster: Babajide Sanwo Olu has said there will now be a tax for people who want to be flying in Lagos.

Kola sits up.

Newscaster: And Lai Mohammed has said Superman will be going to face the bandits this week. 

Kola starts sweating.

Lola: Baby, are you fine?

Newscaster: The bandits, who are armed with AK-47, sniper rifles and tanks, are no match for Nigeria’s Superman, Lai Mohammed says.

Kola jumps up out of bed and starts packing some clothes into a small bag.

Lola: Baby! Are you travelling?! Baby!

Kola ignores her and continues. Lola’s phone pings as a message comes in.

Lola: Babe, it’s your mum.

Kola: (whirls around) What’s wrong?!

Lola: She said you should come and carry her car from traffic.

Kola:

Kola’s phone starts to ring. Kola picks it.

Kola: Hello!

Caller: There is a robbery going on!

Kola: I am travelling oh!

Caller: Please! Help us!

Kola: (sighs) I am coming.

Kola rushes out of the house.


At Diamond Bank, there are hostages on the floor and six armed robbers are ordering the cashiers to fill their bags with money. Kola bursts into the bank.

Kola: Everybody! Follow me out.

Robber: Na you dem dey call Superman?

Kola glares at him.

Hostage: I knew he would come!

Robber: Me sef don know say you go come.

The robber cocks his gun and Kola scoffs.

Hostage: Superman can chest the bullet. All your bullets!

Kola: (to the hostage) It’s true, but don’t be shouting too much.

Robber: This one no be ordinary bullet. Na Babalawo do am.

Kola: Ehn?

Robber: (nods) He say once he touch you like this, na heaven you go wake.

Hostage: It’s a lie! Superman can chest it! Spray him!

Kola: (to the hostage) Your own is starting to get too much o.

Robber: Make we test am for your body?

Kola looks around at the hostages. They look at him, pleadingly.

Robber: Make we test am?

Kola: (to the hostages) Aunty, dress for me to sit down, please.

Kola joins the hostages on the floor. They frown and move away from him.


There is a long queue outside of a building. Kola is on the queue with other people. His phone starts to ring. Kola picks it up.

Caller: Hello! There was an accident on the Ilorin express!

Kola: Is anybody injured?! Which side?

Caller: Not like that.

Kola: Ehn?

Caller: Our tyre removed and fell inside bush.

Kola: So nobody is injured?

Caller: Ehn. 

Kola: So, I should be coming to Ilorin for what?

Caller: Won’t you carry us? We have naming ceremony, and we don’t have anybody to take us.

Kola switches off his phone. He reaches the front of the line.

Officer: What can I do for you today, sir?

Kola: I want to collect Canada visa, please. I’ll even manage that place they are fighting war.


Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.

Hauwa L

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

April 23, 2021

We don’t have light in Nigeria, so there’s no way a Nigerian version of Captain America would have been built in a mega laboratory. Who will be fueling gen?  So, for this episode of #JustImagine, we decided to import Captain America. Would he survive in Nigeria for a day? The date is June 6, 2021. […]

May 14, 2021

Spiderman has been seen doing a ton of questionable things on the TL lately — dancing at parties for food, twerking for coins and passing out at nightclubs. We can’t tell if it’s the economy or he took the wrong covid vaccine, but something is seriously wrong with that man. So, inspired by these shenanigans, […]

March 26, 2021

There’s a reason the west has superheroes and we have ‘agberos’ — it’s because we don’t send anybody in this country. But let’s assume, for a hot minute, that we did have superheroes, how long do you think they’d survive? Today, I chose to reimagine Batman as an Igbo man named Buchi. And because Batman […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Rich Nigerian Auntie
June 23, 2021

A rich Nigerian auntie doesn’t refer to those aunties from your father’s side that do nothing but comment on your weight and ask you when you’d be getting married. The rich Nigerian auntie is an aesthetic bigger than one person — and here’s how to be sure you are one… 1. You have the dress […]

June 23, 2021

They say, “money is not everything” but have you seen credit alerts? Particularly these 5 Types listed below? 1. Alert from someone who said “send your account number” ages ago This is how wide you’ll smile. May such people not sleep until they’ve credited you oh. 2. Salary alerts Especially when your salary has finished […]

June 23, 2021

Music they say gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything. Music is healing, it is an explosive expression of humanity, something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we’re from, everyone loves music and that is why we are particularly excited about this […]

June 23, 2021

The morning after having sex should be the most romantic, regardless of the relationship you have with the woman you just had sex with. You have to be grateful for her act of service. How you greet her the morning after is the easiest way to show your gratitude. Here’s a list of ways to […]

Recommended Quizzes

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

October 30, 2019

Kemi Adetiba’s King of Boys movie got a lot of things right, especially casting, so yes, it was a monster hit. Now, we know you may not have put much thought to this, but the personalities of some of the characters closely match yours, and we would like to help you find the perfect match. […]

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

April 1, 2020

Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:

how tall are you
March 11, 2020

Did your parents give you enough beans when you were growing up? If they did, then you’re probably around 6’0″ and above. Either way, we created a quiz that can guess your current height (pretty accurately, if we do say so ourselves). Take to see if we nailed it:

More from Just Imagine

June 18, 2021

If I had a kobo for every time I heard the phrase, “Nigeria brings out the beast in people,” my Canada relocation funds would be complete, and I’d be shaking my ass on a yacht with Bill Gates. But all Nigeria gives is frustration. Now, imagine we had a superhero who turns into a beast […]

May 28, 2021

If God gave Nigerian parents clay to make the perfect daughter, they’d mould a God-fearing woman with six children and a husband she diligently submits to. Now, imagine God ignores their request and, instead, sends them a daughter who isn’t particularly interested in marriage and just wants to fight men all day. Chaos. Well, because […]

May 21, 2021

La Casa De Papel, or Money Heist as it is famously called, was such a fan favorite in Nigeria because, other than the brilliant storyline, one heist or the other happens every day in this country. The economy is a mess, the government wants to double fuel price, and crypto is refusing to get up.  […]

May 14, 2021

Spiderman has been seen doing a ton of questionable things on the TL lately — dancing at parties for food, twerking for coins and passing out at nightclubs. We can’t tell if it’s the economy or he took the wrong covid vaccine, but something is seriously wrong with that man. So, inspired by these shenanigans, […]

May 7, 2021

Twitter went berserk this week after billionaire, Bill Gates and his wife, Melinda, called off their 27-year-marriage. Although the divorce appears amicable, we know a Nigerian divorce between billionaires would have been chaotic.  So on this episode of #JustImagine, we created two fictional characters: Belu and Mide.  Belu’s Ikoyi Mansion. Belu is hiding in his […]

April 30, 2021

It is safe to agree that Nigerian politicians were the kings of comedy until Donald Trump entered the game in 2017. And suddenly, we had competition. So in this episode of #JustImagine, we decided to take a break from superheroes and Disney princesses and explore politics. Trump’s Villa In Banana Island. Trump is squinting at a […]

April 23, 2021

We don’t have light in Nigeria, so there’s no way a Nigerian version of Captain America would have been built in a mega laboratory. Who will be fueling gen?  So, for this episode of #JustImagine, we decided to import Captain America. Would he survive in Nigeria for a day? The date is June 6, 2021. […]

April 16, 2021

Everyone knows Nigerian universities are designed to break you. But when you’re the god of thunder, it should be easy, right? On this episode of #JustImagine, we reimagine Thor as a Nigerian student named, Tomiwa. Campus Hostel Bode, Tomiwa’s friend and roommate, is standing outside the hostel addressing a small crowd. The crowd is agitated. […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X