Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians.
Like every other thing that comes from Nigeria, your international passport just wants to travel out, enjoy life and flex on the gram but you no get money. *insert clown emoji*
So here is everything your international passport wants to say to you.
It’s another frustrating day in Buhari’s country. Rain water has entered your house, nepa is doing shedibalabala with your current and KPOW – that’s the sound of your transformer exploding.
You’re insulting Nigeria on Twitter when a “Study and Work in Canada” ad flashes on your phone. You lift up your bed and bring out your passport.
Passport: I don’t know why you were hiding me oh. It’s not like anybody wants to steal empty passport from you.
Passport: Abeg bring me out for fresh air. No go kill me.
You put the passport on the table and google “How to apply for a visa to Canada”.
Passport: Just look at me. My mates are carrying visa and ticket. It’s nepa bill that they are using me to hold… Oga?
Passport: Did they say you should just be collecting passport and not be using it?
You: Shut up your mouth.
Passport: (mumbles) If they are even using me to sell akara, it is better than all this nonsense.
You check your passport for the expiry date and find out it is expired.
Passport: See your mouth like “shit”. Why won’t I expire? Are you using me?
You’ve paid for express passport and you’re waiting for the officer. She comes out with a bunch of green passports.
Officer: You asked for 64 pages abi?
You nod. The officer hands you your passport.
Your passport: Where are you going that you’re collecting 64-page passport?
Official: What is the primary purpose of the passport?
You: I want to travel out.
Passport: It’s a lie oh. He wants to use me as ID card.
Passport: Or have you ever travelled out?
You: (to the officer) I will be going to Canada this year.
You shove your passport into your breast pocket.
Passport: Chinedu? You didn’t baff today? Why is everywhere on your body smelling like goat? Is this why they don’t give us visa?
You’re walking to the bus stop with your passport and a Range Rover zooms past you and splashes some water on your body.
You shout in anger and the Range stops. A woman comes out of the car.
You: See how you stain my body with water!! Do you know where I am going?
Passport: Where are you going? Is it airport? Is it not your house?!
Woman: (with a British accent) I am sooo sorry. Here, let me get you to your destination.
You: It’s okay. My house is not far.
Passport: You better let them carry you, so that I can collect small AC and pretend I am in Canada. Because it is not like you will take me.
In the car.
Woman: (with her British accent) Where can I drop you?
You: (forced accent) Actually just down that street.
Passport: When did you travel out to collect accent?
You: I just want to get my car.
Passport: Which stupid car?
Woman: Great. Is that your passport I see peeking?
Passport: Mummy is me, ma. Take me with you. Use me for trips. Save me from this oloriburuku.
You tuck your passport further in.
Passport: My mates are seeing Dubai, I am seeing 3k okirika shirt.
The car stops.
Woman: I’m sorry again for the splash. Let’s have dinner sometime?
Passport: You better say yes, werey. So they can carry us and travel.
You: Sorry, I have a girlfriend.
Passport: (stunned, then dejected) I will die in poverty.
Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.