So it’s December 2017 when we could still go out without being scared; Wedding Party 2 has just been released and you decide to take your boyfriend to go and see the movie- your treat. You arrive early, find good seats and wait for the movie to start. But this isn’t about to be a good experience, because Nigerians are about to be… well, Nigerians.
Here are all the things that could give you a horrible time in a Nigerian cinema:
1. Someone brings a flashlight
You’re watching your movie and some late comer just randomly whips out a flashlight to start looking for a seat, rendering you blind for the next two minutes. Don’t try to complain, because they’ll take out the frustration of missing the first few minutes of the movie on you.
2. Someone has watched the movie before
Once you hear two guys laughing before a funny scene, they’ve definitely seen the movie before. Why do Nigerians do this?
I saw Avengers: End Game the day after it was released in Nigeria and there were two guys behind me narrating the whole movie scene for scene, talking about how this was their third time watching it.
3. Someone trying stand-up comedy
Because they said one funny thing, and a few people giggled, they take it as their cue to comment on every scene of the movie, hoping that their comedy career can kick off from there. It only gets worse if someone who believes they are funnier is in that same cinema, then it becomes a battle of laughs. This happens more frequently than you can imagine.
4. Someone thinks they’re in a restaurant
You’re midway through your movie and you start smelling edikaikong. You look round and see a woman in her 40’s, well balanced, with a fork in hand and a cooler in her lap, eating eba and edikaikong. Why is God punishing you?
5. Someone has an important phone call
They’ll make the call, and stay on the call for about 9-11 minutes, and because network is bad inside the theater, they have to shout. So help you God they’re right beside you.
6. Someone wants to make a baby
If you’re sitting in any corner of that hall, then be ready to start hearing random kissing and moaning sounds from different angles. It’s the life you chose. Live it, Enjoy it.