How To Survive Never-Ending January On What’s Left Of Your December Salary

January 11, 2019

Remember how you were paid your salary super early in December and you proceeded to use that salary to paint the town red all month long, forgetting that the world wasn’t ending on the 31st?

 

Of course, you do. Thanks to your commitment to the “treat yo self” philosophy last month, we’re not even yet halfway into January and your bank account is almost empty.  You are so broke, your December bank statement email from your bank ended with a laughing emoji. Yes, your pitiful account balance gave the bank people a good laugh.

 

Don’t worry though. I’m here to show you how you can successfully survive on what’s left of your December salary so you’re not left holding a sign like this by the end of January.

You know why “stuff” is in quotes on that sign. Don’t pretend.

Quit eating out.

Don’t go with your coworkers to that fancy restaurant for lunch. Avoid that fast food joint you keep thinking about because you’re craving meat pies and ice cream. Your mantra needs to become “there’s rice at home”. The only exceptions are when you’re invited out and the invitee offers to pay for you. Either that or you invite someone out with the promise of paying for them but then when you’re done eating, you escape through the toilet window, leaving the gbese of the bill on their head.

 

Will a stunt like that kill that relationship forever? Yes. But would you rather have friends or starve?

Go ask your parents for money.

Swallow your pride and act like you’re just there to visit because it’s been a while and you miss them. Gain points by doing chores and even spend the night so you can keep them company. During this time, remind them how good they have it that they have you as a child and not some chronic alcoholic with a growing meth addiction. Then when it’s time to leave, casually mention that you need a “loan”.

 

Feel free to throw in a few tears if it looks likes proceedings aren’t going your way.

In the event that things don’t go your way in the scenario described in the last entry, steal from them.

The game is the game. Take any useful thing you can find. Stray cash, foodstuff, cooked food etc.  They’re your parents and they’ll forgive you eventually.

Find a way to reduce transport costs.

Now is the time to break out your hitchhiker’s thumb so you can solicit for free rides from other commuters with cars going your way and hope to God they’re not crazy. Because if you get murdered while hitchhiking, all the blog posts about your death will read like the first 4 minutes of every horror movie ever.

 

A sad cliché.

If you fall sick, just wait out the illness.

Have you been to a hospital lately? Consultation fees alone are insane. Tack on the fees for treatment and you’ll see that it’ll be cheaper to just keel over and die. No matter what illness befalls you, just get plenty of rest and lots of fluids. There’s an 18% chance you’ll be fine.

Ladies and gentlemen, the trick is to find ways to get the things you need without having to pay for them. Like a wise queen once said:

The wise queen was Lil Kim.

Astor George

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