Nigerian landlords! There’s a special place in hell for some of them. If they’re not frustrating us with random rent increases and unprovoked shouting, they’re creating ridiculous rules and regulations for tenants

Here are eight random rules you’ll come across apartment hunting. If you don’t see at least one of them, you’re probably searching for a house on the borders of Cotonou.

1. No sleepovers with the opposite sex

God should now bless you that your landlord stays in your building. That’s when you’ll realise the monitoring spirits in your life were never from your village. 

2. Working-class only with “good job”

As you know, Nigerian landlords have no joy. You’re not working 15 hours a day and you want to rent a house in Nigeria? Impossible, dear. Before you even meet with the landlord, send your CV.  If you’re not leaving the house as early as 6:00 am to submit yourself to capitalism, then you ain’t ready. 

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2. No gorgeous, gorgeous girls allowed

Nigerian landlords like humility. You can’t come to their house and be oppressing them with beauty. Noooo. All they know is sufferhead.

3. You must be from their tribe

This one has to be the most annoying. Nigerian landlords are always looking for how to connect with their ancestors. Why? Because that’s the only explanation for why they need only Yoruba or Igbo tenants.

4. Paying for two and a half years

These ones are criminals. After paying for the two and a half years, just watch out for the rainy season. That’s when you’ll find out that the roof is made from cardboard. If the landlord doesn’t now stay in the compound, that should be your red flag.

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5. You must attend compound prayers 

Apparently, some of you are doing monthly vigils in your compound. I want to believe it was a trick, but Nigeria is not a real place. It’s either the landlord has the key to your door and will drag you outside, or you’re hoping that if you pray together with your neighbours, your landlord will keep your rent the same for the next five years.

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6. 10 p.m. curfew

You’d think Nigerian landlords are your parents. Because after collecting your hard-earned money, they’ll now be doing gateman work. Why are you locking your tenants outside the compound at Night fgs?!. I can’t even say they’re jobless because they have enough money to own land. So, what is the reason for this madness? 

7. Reserved parking space

Drivinga car in Nigeria is already stressful. Then in your compound, you still can’t find peace. “Don’t park here, don’t park there.” It’s left for them to use chalk and draw boxes for each person’s car. Nonsense.

8. General cleaning

A compound that cleans together, stays together. All that’s left is for tenants to wear uniforms and sing, “The day is bright, it’s bright and fair” Again, Nigerian landlords are not a joke.

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