The typical Nigerian experience isn’t really complete without the education part of it; Going to school, getting punished and flogged, playing with friends and all that. Although after school, many people went home and watched Silverbird, some others went home and waited for their worst enemies; Lesson teachers.
If you ever had a lesson teacher, chances are that this post will trigger you. This is the Zikoko guide to being a lesson teacher.
1. Own one of these bad boys
Are you a lesson teacher if you didn’t own one of these sandals? You have to wear them every time you’re going to the kid’s house so that once they see your feet at the gate, they don’t have to ask who is there. They know to open the gate.
2. Always ask for chilled water
Before lesson starts, make sure you ask for chilled water. You have to say “chilled water” o, not cold water. Then proceed to drink it while making weird sounds, and eye contact with your student. If one glass is not enough, ask for more.
3. Be wicked
Wickedness can take many different forms. It doesn’t always have to be violent. It can be as simple as giving your pupil so many assignments that they don’t even have time for themselves or making sure their parents are within earshot when you say, “Kunle, you’re not serious o. You’re now playing too much. Do you want me to tell your mummy?”
4. Never miss a class
Even if you’re sick and dying, once it’s time for your class, get up and go to work. Depending on how wicked you are, you can pull two different types of surprises. The first is getting there even before the student gets home. They’ll meet you waiting on the verandah, having a conversation with mummy about what they need to be doing better.
The second is getting there so late that the pupil already believed you weren’t going to make it, and then using the same amount of time you would have used either ways.
5. This is your red biro
How can you write “1/10. You need to stop being lazy.” with any other red biro apart from this one?
6. Always be hungry
Make sure you don’t eat before you go to your pupil’s house. They will serve you food.
7. Always be nice to the parents
A wise lesson teacher knows that the secret to not getting fired is making the pupil’s parents love them. It doesn’t matter if the child is performing even worse than they did before you started the job. Just make the parents love you. Finish.