Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 30-year-old bisexual woman who didn’t start having sex until her late 20s. She talks about getting pregnant after her first sexual experience and how being a single mother has impacted her sex life.
When was your first sexual experience?
I had my first kiss with a girl in primary school. It was really just a peck on the lips, but I treasure everything about that first experience. I didn’t kiss anyone else for another decade or more.
Why did it take you that long?
Nothing really. I was studious in secondary school and just didn’t have time for dating and sex. In university, though, it became an issue of religion. I became a devout muslim and started dating my first boyfriend during this period. We fooled around a bit, but never had sex. I didn’t want to have sex — I wanted to wait till marriage. He wanted sex. The pressure became a lot, so we broke up.
How did you become religious?
My parents are both religious, even though they practice different religions. My dad, who’s a Christian, lets us make our own decisions. My mum is a muslim. She raised us to be muslim as well.
So, in university, I decided to take my faith seriously. I guess I wasn’t listening to the right teachings because in my mind, sex was dirty. I didn’t even really look forward to sex within marriage. I was in a couple of relationships that ended because I wasn’t interested in sex..
When did you have sex??
I didn’t have sex until about four years ago. I was 26.
What made you decide you were finally ready to have sex?
A bunch of different things, but I was beginning to lose my faith and was ready to explore. I went for it with someone I was dating and was practically engaged to. He had been begging me for sex since we started the relationship, but I was adamant. I gave him blow jobs and tried to pleasure him in other ways now and then.
What was the sex like?
Painful. He said he was experienced, but he didn’t know where the clitoris was. His nails were long and that injured me a bit. The oral sex felt like he was chewing on my clitoris. I endured because I wasn’t sure that my subconscious wasn’t trying to sabotage the experience. The worst part of it all was the fact that his condom must have broken. I didn’t know until a few weeks later, when I discovered that I missed my period. That was definitely not part of the plan.
Wow. What were your expectations before having sex?
I pictured it like in the movies: candles, lingerie and everything so tender and seamless. In reality, it was hot, we were sweaty and my boyfriend’s breath smelled of onions.
Did you try to have sex with him again?
No. I wanted to be prepared before having sex with him again, so I started talking to people and reading. Unfortunately, before we could try it again, I discovered I was pregnant. I just thought, I’m so screwed. I mean, what were the odds that I’d get pregnant?
Why did you feel that way?
Parental expectations. My mother was especially proud of me because I was her model child. I didn’t want to get an abortion because I was scared I’d die. What compounded my fear was how he would react to the pregnancy. I had a hunch that he wouldn’t take it well. I wasn’t wrong. He broke up with me and blocked me everywhere.
Wow. How long did you date for?
A year, but I was pretty sure we would get married since we were in love.
That sucks. What did you do after?
I came clean and told my parents. They were angry at first. Eventually, they came around and became supportive. What hurt them though was that there was no father in the picture.
How did having a baby affect your sex life?
During my pregnancy, my sex drive increased significanly. I started discovering myself and my body. I got so horny several times a day that I resorted to touching myself — something I’d never done before. That’s how I started masturbating regularly.
When I became insatiable, I started hooking up with random people I met online for sex — both men and women. I was having sex at least twice a week. Sometimes three if I got lucky. See, sex became like art to me, something to improve on.
It was really fun. It was also a distraction. It worked well because I wasn’t really showing until my 6th month, so no one I slept with knew I was pregnant. Maybe they suspected, I don’t know and don’t care. I was having all the sex I didn’t have before.
This changed when my son was born. Even though my sex drive was through the roof, it wasn’t easy to just slide back into that routine — mostly because I’m a single mother. Raising my child alone has really impacted my sex and relationship life. At first, I resumed having sex like once in two weeks. All I had to do was leave my son with my mum and lie that I was going for a work thing. Then we moved and it became hard.
Hooking up with people when you’re a single mum in your 20s is actually hard. No one wants to date you or have casual sex with you especially not in a room next to the room in which your child is sleeping. There’s a stigma that we just don’t talk about. Or maybe I’m the only one that faced it. I don’t know. There’s the fact that men I hook up with tend to think I want marriage from them and I don’t.
My ex knows I have a child, he knows that the child is his — yet, he doesn’t care. Neither does he have the problem of having to choose between leaving his child with a relative and having a night out to just have sex. It’s me that has to deal with that and most often than not, I’ll choose my child. Even when I decide to drop him with a relative, I have to deal with the criticism that I shouldn’t be having casual sex outside of marriage. I think Nigerians hate women. They don’t want us to have fun.
Then there’s being constantly tired and sex not being my cup of tea anymore. I had a dry spell for like a year. No masturbation, no sex, nothing. I lived through the sexual fantasies in my head.
Has this changed yet?
Yes, to an extent. I’m currently in a relationship. It’s an open relationship. Nothing serious. But I’m having stable sex, so that’s nice. I should mention that the relationship is with a woman—
Bisexual? Yes. And my girlfriend is a single mother as well. So it just works. Sometimes, I can leave my son at home with her and go for a night out, hook up with other women — none of whom care about me or my son.
What about sex with men?
I’d just rather not. Most of the best sex I’ve had were with women. So, what’s the point? Thinking back to that first experience that got me pregnant feels unfair, especially since I’m the one that suffered it. I love my son a lot, but I regret having sex with his father, If I could go back in time, I would not have sex with him.
Maybe in future, I’ll go back to exploring sex with men, but for now, I’m content.
So how would you rate your Sex Life?
7/10? Sex with my partner is great. But it just feels like something is missing and I can’t put a finger on it yet.