It’s three weeks to the end of 2015, and some of us have not achieved the most important thing for 2015: Seizing the Bae – or getting seized. It’s not too late. Here are all the requirements:

1. Be Single to stupor.

Why are you seeking to be seized if you’re not single? If you’re already seized, please have several seats. If you’re looking to change baes, please look to #CommitorCommot2016 and if you’re team #SingleandReadytoleadyouonfor2or3months, please go away. Only single to stupor members are allowed. This is a lesson in desperation.

2. Have sufficient money.

It is not enough to be single. You also have to have money. If you have money and all other requirements, but your account balance regularly laughs at your shopping cart, you may not be ready to be seized. Your debit card and your shopping cart need to be in sync.

3. Ensure your face is on fleek.

For guys, I’m talking about a beard. Not a goatee, or some hairs scattered on your chin. I’m talking about a full, luscious, CONNECTED beard (look at the above picture for inspiration). I think they said coconut oil and Rogain can help, ask around. Tweet a picture of you in all your bearded glory with the hashtag #whogontakecareofmybeard and watch yourself get seized. For girls, eyebrows, eyelashes, human hair on fleek. Your human hair has to be from an -ian place – Malaysian, Brazilian, Colombian etc.

4. And you have to be light-skinned.

I’m sorry, I wish I didn’t have to do this. But being yellow is a requirement. And if we are saying it, you know it must be law. Dark-skinned people don’t seize or get seized*. Just taken. This is science. *We don’t make rules. We just follow Twitter logic.

5. But your light-skin needs International Exposure.

Oh and for the light-skinned people already rejoicing, your light-skin must come with international exposure**. **International exposure: Your light-skin should have seen outside Africa at least once.

6. Be a member of the fitfam.

Abs. Abs. Abs.

7. Be of the right height.

Sadly, the height requirement is not compromised even if you have all of the other requirements (Yes, i knew you were going to ask.) For guys, It’s a non negotiable 5’11” and above. And for girls, portability passes.

8. Know your levels.

Seize within your requirements range. How do I make this clearer? I don’t know, I can’t.

9. A positive attitude.
It’s really not too late. Seizing to proposal can still be in this 2015.

10. Be on TBH Twitter.

You have to be a Twitter cool kid. How to do that? Easy. Get fake outraged, have lofty opinions, more than 1000 followers and don’t abbreviate.

11. A car is an added advantage.

LMAO! Don’t seize me and ask me to be trekking around with you, please. I was doing just fine on my own.

Here’s an example of a #SeizetheBae Result:

Have all of the above requirements and watch yourself get seized snatched!


Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.