19 Hilariously Accurate ‘Scientific’ Theories That Explain Being An African Today

March 21, 2016
There are so many scientific theories that have impacted our lives today; from the general and special theory of relativity, to the Laws of Motion etc. But have you ever applied these scientific theories to our experiences as Africans??

1. The Theory of Immovability.

This theory states that African Presidents who have spent more than 10 years in office are likely to never leave office…unless God or death… See Gaddafi, Mugabe etc. We are just saying oh!

2. The Speed of the Flying Slap.

While the speed of light is approximately 3.00×108 m/s, every African child knows that when you dare talk back to your African mother, the speed of her flying slap is at least 2 times the speed of light.

3. What is the correct Theory of Quantum Gravity Jollof Rice?

We may never know. In the last few decades, researchers have pursued the problem of every country insisting their Jollof is better. The results have been inconclusive. Ghanaian, Gambian or Nigerian? Who knows?!

4. African Presidents’ First Law of Motion.

Every African president remains in a state of constant motion unless an external force is applied to it – like reelection. Or international crisis.

5. The Relationship Complexity.

The Relationship Complexity simply states that an ex who dumped you and/or has moved on never sees you on the day you’re well dressed. They’re more likely to see you on the day you look like a housegirl or houseboy.

6. The Quantum Theory of African Happiness.

Every African remains impermeable to suffering and pain. We smile through it all. Forex tanking, smile. Oil crisis, smile. Use an American man to portray an African man, beaming smile.

7. Oxygen Theory of Body Odour.

The intensity of the heat in a public transport vehicle is directly proportional to the amount of body odour one is likely to suffer.

8. Information Theory of Customer Service.

The way to survive as an African making a complaint is to assume that the customer service personnel is NOT there to help you. Always assume that they’re having a bad day. Or exchange fire for fire. That last one is fun.

9. The Running Kenyans Revelation.

The working theory here is that Kenyans (or Ethiopians) are infinitely sustained and speedily drawn to the finish line in a long distance race. Try as you may, you cannot finish before them.

10. The African Market Touch Factor.

The relationship between how many times you’re touched, dragged, asked to buy curtain or called in a Nigerian market is directly proportional to how crowded the market is. In this law the more crowded the market is, the more likely you are to get called ‘Ada’.

11. Nollywood Theory of Impossibility.

Only in Nollywood, Ghollywood and Wakaliwood does the impossible happen so effortlessly. From flying bullets grazing the arm but the bleeding coming from the stomach. And a ghost wearing a wristwatch.

12. The PHCN Disappointment Theory.

PHCN Disappointment Theory revolves around the notion that Nigerians who build decisions such as cooking or ironing around PHCN light will ultimately be disappointed – while sweating. This theory has been utilized in examining such diverse decision-making processes as not ironing or charging your phone immediately they bring light because you think it will last etc.

13. The Sunday Rice Hypothesis.

The probability of you as an African eating rice on a sunday as opposed to anything else is 500 billion :1. No one is cooking you anything else abeg. Please sit down.

14. The African Dance Permeation.

Every year, across Africa, there is always a new wave of dancing. We started from the Alanta and yahooze to skelewu and azonto and we are now at the shoki and shakitibobo dance era. Dabbing may be included too. In the words of twitter theorist, @boozebumps, most Africans have attended the Keshi Shaolin Temple of the Higher Shoki.

15. The Ice Cream – Cookie Container Duality Equation.

Ice cream and cookie containers have found dual uses in African households. Every African child knows that that ice cream container probably contains egusi and the cookie container most likely contains sewing materials. Hope for cookie/Ice cream α 1/betrayal

16. The Career Optionality Factor.

Your career path must be along the lines of medicine, law, engineering, politics or a disgrace to the family.

17. The Work Experience Conundrum.

As a young African, the reality almost always hits you around the age of 21/22 that you need work experience to get the job and you need a job to get work experience.

18. The Nigeria-Zimbabwe Exchange Rate Similarity.

When the Zimbabwean currency was depreciating, Nigerians had jokes. Naturally. But now we are in a similar currency condition. The Zimbabwean dollar and the Nigerian Naira are roughly proportional in value.

19. The Law of Impossible Expression of Affection.

Your parents will never literally tell you they love you because they believe feeding you is the ultimate show of love and affection.

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

January 28, 2020

Ilorin is the capital of Kwara state, and it has its charms. Like the slogan, State of Harmony, there is something about Ilorin that is quite relaxed. We don’t have to say much. If you know Ilorin well enough, then you’ll get everything this post says. 1. Green and yellow taxis. Basic fare is often […]


Now on Zikoko

March 1, 2021

All your friends are in love, and you are part of the ‘’God when’’ association wondering when you will get your own boo. We are sorry to break it to you that you may never find love due to the reasons stated below. 1. You are best in English Anyone who mistakenly sends you a […]

March 1, 2021

Do you know what one of the most awkward things in the world is? Your friend comes up to you, handing you their phone to listen to their music while smiling hard, their eyes filled with hope and love so you listen but realize, it just isn’t good. Then they ask you, what do you […]

March 1, 2021

February went by very fast, but Twitter NG users had a lot to laugh about. From tweets about Valentine’s day to an entire generational war, here are some of the most hilarious Nigerian Tweets from February 2021. 1. You had to be there to understand this one. 2. This sage advice. 3. Violence? Yes, please. […]

Recommended Quizzes

how much of an ajebutter
February 12, 2020

Are you an ajebutter or not? Well, if you’ve gone through life blissfully unaware of its harshness, then you probably are. Now, we want to know just how high you rank on that ajebutter scale, using your food preferences as a (very accurate) measure. Take to find out:

November 22, 2019

It can be very stressful when you’re trying to find the love of your life, but you only keep meeting people that are exactly like your yeye ex. To help you be more aware of that problem, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know the kind of people you are attracting. Take it to […]

how tall are you
March 11, 2020

Did your parents give you enough beans when you were growing up? If they did, then you’re probably around 6’0″ and above. Either way, we created a quiz that can guess your current height (pretty accurately, if we do say so ourselves). Take to see if we nailed it:

June 14, 2020

Have you ever been with someone so horrible that you swore to never date again? Yes? Well, do you know that one or more of your exes probably feels the same way about you? You never thought about that, huh? Thankfully, this quiz is here to let you know just how much of a hassle […]

April 9, 2020

At some point in life, we all learnt that someone can be very intelligent and still lack common sense. That’s the difference between being book smart and being street smart. If you’re not sure where on the spectrum you fall, well, that’s what this quiz is here to tell you. Take it:

November 25, 2019

We already guessed how many people you’ve slept with, and y’all were out here denying the truth. Anyway, we won’t hold that against you. This time, however, we’ve created a quiz that predicts who you’ll sleep with next — so you can either prepare or try (unsuccessfully) to prevent it. So, take and see:

More from Oldies

February 12, 2020

Forget Tunji and Daniella, if you’re wondering who your best friend is, it’s most definitely the phone you’re either reading this from or the phone that’s somewhere within your vision; we know this because you’re definitely a phone addict that gets a little impatient when you’re too far away from your phone. Okay, let’s not […]

February 8, 2020

Yes, Valentine’s Day is almost here. Love notes, chocolates, hampers, and everything that comes with it. But while everyone is being hit by cupid’s arrow, there are some people who don’t even feel the hype. If you’re one of them, then grab a seat at this table. 1. You, when you hear that Valentine is […]

February 8, 2020

In case you have not realised it, Nigerians have a PhD in lying. Multiple PhDs, even. And there are some people who are professors in the art of lying, but we will keep that conversation for another day. Anyway, here is a list of common lies Nigerians tell. Don’t lie, we know you must told […]

February 8, 2020

Anyone who grew up in a Nigerian household understands that the Saturday routine does not change. It is the same yesterday, today and forever. If you are a true Nigerian, then you’ll understand these pictures and their connection to Saturday mornings. 1. Morning devotion by 6:00 AM. In which your parents can slap you for […]

February 8, 2020

Growing up, Saturdays used to be fun thanks to Cadbury Nigeria and Silverbird television. However, these days, as an adult, Saturdays are filled with unfinished work from the week before. If you are lucky, maybe a nice outing or mild to moderate fornication. Still, all these don’t fill the void the way cartoons used to […]


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.