Here’s a detailed guide on how to educate your future children about sex like your Nigerian parents did. From ignoring the existence of sex altogether to making them too scared to bring it up, this should ensure your child learns everything they need to know from porn.
1. NEVER directly talk about sex with your children.
If they’ve never heard about sex, it’s only logical that they will never have it? Abi? Simpu!
2. Make sure they are so uncomfortable around you that they never bring up sex.
This is not a Hollywood film. You and your children are not friends.
3. If that doesn’t work and they start asking too many questions, just give them this look:
This ‘Nigerian mother face’ will stop them dead in their tracks.
4. Repeatedly warn them about the dangers of any kind of interaction with the opposite sex.
They shouldn’t even breathe near them.
5. Just assume every member of the opposite sex they talk to is their boyfriend or girlfriend.
We all know men and women can never JUST be friends.
6. Ban them from going out until they are old, then constantly ask why they are still single.
You know they can never have sex if they are ALWAYS at home.
7. Always remind your daughter that if a man touches her, she will get pregnant.
Also remind her that if she gets pregnant she will die.
8. Make sure your son knows that if he gets a girl pregnant, his only option is to marry her.
Remind him every other day.
9. Leave any and all forms of actual ‘sex education’ to their biology teacher.
Why else are you now paying school fees?
10. You should always remind them to ‘face their book’ and nothing else.
They cannot be facing book and having sex at the same time. It’s scientifically impossible.
11. Whenever a sex scene comes up in a movie, remember to shout at them.
That way your children know that human contact is of the devil.
12. Never talk to them about safe sex, before they think they are allowed to have sex.
Safe sex is for people having sex abi? So, why should they know about it?
13. Wait till they have moved out and are gainfully employed before finally having the sex talk.
If you can wait till their wedding night sef, it’s even better.