Just Imagine: If People Talked Like Their Instagram Captions

November 2, 2022

Imagine a world where real life was actually Instagram lite, and people talked the same way they wrote their Instagram captions. What would that be like?

Hits blunt

They would make absolutely no sense

You’d be in a work meeting, trying your best to contribute your quota to capitalism and justify your salary, when your boss asked people to share ideas on a subject. 

Of course, you’d immediately try to look like you’re busy thinking, even though all that’s in your head is how you forgot to warm yesterday’s leftover rice. And then the office oversabi would blurt out: “This idea felt cute, but I might delete it later”.

LMAO. You say what?

Communication? We don’t know her

On your way home, while thinking about the madness that transpired at the office, you’d jump on a danfo, ready to put the stress of the work day behind you, when you came across another wonder.

The conductor would angle his neck towards where you’re sitting beside the driver and gesture to his head. It’ll take a couple of minutes before you notice his t-shirt says, “Double-tap conductor’s head to support his brand”. 

There would be a slight language barrier — and I don’t mean normal human language

You’d finally get to your bus stop, but first deciding to branch the market close to your house first to buy spaghetti for dinner, you’d meet yet another surprise.

You (to the seller): Please give me one pack of spaghetti.

Seller: This spaghetti is the best one in the market, and with shikini money, you’ll get free delivery within Lagos and Abeokuta.

You: Madam, which one is delivery again? I just want to buy and go, please.

Seller: Click the link in bio to shop the best spag. Hashtag Spaghetti sellers in Lagos, hashtag sellers of Instagram, hashtag sexy cooks in…

You:

Confusion would reign supreme

You’d finally get home only to find your girlfriend and her besties posing in front of your door, looking sexy AF.

You: Babe, I didn’t know you were coming. What’s happening?

Babe: Happiness is being yourself.

You: I don’t get.

Babe: Looking good, doing better.

You: Is everybody alright today?

Babe (in a new pose): In love with me, myself and I.

You:

Babe (in another pose): Only God can judge me.

You: When you people finish, you know where your house is. 

You’d finally enter the apartment, confused as hell, only to wake up the next day to realise… every day would be the exact same thing.


NEXT READ: Just Imagine: What if Nigerian Musicians Were Your Therapists?

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