Interview With… is a Zikoko series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Doughnut — or the milky variation of it — has gained popularity with Nigerians over the past few weeks. However, it seems not every type of fame is welcomed.

Thanks to Doughnut’s busy schedule, this interview is happening weeks after they actually reached out to Zikoko.

Zikoko: It’s nice to finally have you here.

Doughnut: I wish I could say the same.

Zikoko: Why not?

Doughnut: Can’t you see the way I’m looking? Don’t I look sick and manhandled to you?

Zikoko: I thought that was the look you were going for. 

Doughnut: I’ll let that slide because I need your help, and I don’t have much time before I resume my hard labour. 

Zikoko: Who’s subjecting you to hard labour?

Doughnut: Is that a rhetorical question?

Zikoko: …

Doughnut: You want to tell me you’ve not heard people singing my name these days? From Instagram bakers to WhatsApp vendors, it’s like everyone suddenly remembered I exist. 

Zikoko: Isn’t that a good thing? I mean, you’re famous because more people are interested in you. 

Doughnut: That’s exactly my problem. This sudden interest has done me more harm than good. I was a simple, minimalist snack. Just mix flour, butter, sugar, and I’m good to go. A proper low-budget babe, and I liked it that way. 

But you see Nigerians? They can never let a good thing be. Now, I look into the mirror and don’t even recognise the snack staring back at me. Ah, I’ve seen terrible things. [Shakes head in regret]

Zikoko: I feel like I know where this is going, but can you explain more?

Doughnut: That thing you’re thinking is exactly my problem. Whose idea was it to add milk abi whipped cream to me and change my name to “Milky Doughnut” without consulting me?

Zikoko: How were they supposed to consult —

Doughnut: It would’ve even been better if these bakers — if they can be called bakers — had kept to my minimalist style and added the milk in moderation. But no o. They decided to disfigure me with their milk concoctions till I looked like something that belonged on a kayan mata vendor’s page.

Zikoko: TBH, it looks weird.

Doughnut: God will bless you o. That’s why I came here. So you can help me beg them to stop it. As I speak to you now, a Doughnut somewhere is being torn open and then suffocated with milk. What happened to sprinkling a little sugar on top if you’re feeling adventurous? I wasn’t made for this life, please.

Zikoko: It’s likely just a fad; everyone will soon be tired.

Doughnut: That’s what I thought too. I thought, “Surely, the price of milk will soon discourage these people”. But I underestimated Nigerians. Your country people are now filling me with beans, ogi and even avocado.

Who did I offend? Very soon, someone will wake up with the bright idea to stuff me with groundnut paste and pepper and call it something like “Nutty Doughnut”. I can’t let it get to that. You people need to stop with these creations.

Zikoko: Hold on. Groundnut paste and pepper don’t sound so bad. Imagine how those flavours will complement each other.

Doughnut: Are you kidding me right now?

Zikoko: But why are you so resistant to change?

Doughnut: It’s not the change I’m avoiding. It’s that you Nigerians don’t know when to stop. That’s how one tribe started with just liking pepper. Now, they cook pepper with a dash of food. For another tribe, it’s remaining small for them to put crayfish inside cake. You people have started by pouring one tin of milk inside a baby-sized doughnut. Should I wait until I become extinct?

Zikoko: Hmm. I get your point.

Doughnut: I can feel another Instagram vendor summoning me to complete her latest creation. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Please, save me.

Zikoko: That’s a lot to ask. Saving people isn’t exactly our field of expertise. But we’ll be praying for you.

Doughnut: Ehh God. 

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