Interview With… is a Zikoko series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

Nigeria and a few other African countries have been hit with poor internet issues and downtimes since March 14, 2024. According to reports, this was caused by damaged subsea cable. 

 The question on most Nigerians’ lips remains: “Who even entered the sea to cut the cable?” Zikoko sat down with Subsea Cable to find answers.

[Zikoko walks into a dark building]

Zikoko: Hello? Anybody here?

Subsea Cable: Identify yourself and recite the password before you take another step.

Zikoko: Password? 

Zikoko mutters to self: Wetin my eyes no go see for this work?

Zikoko: Nobody gave me any password o. Isn’t that you, Subsea cable?

Subsea Cable: Yes, it’s me. Sorry, I’m trying to protect myself. This is new territory for me. But why are you just coming? They warned me about Nigerians and lateness. But I thought you understood the gravity of the situation.

Zikoko: You’re the one who refused to send me your location. You kept saying I should walk straight and turn left when I see an abandoned NEPA transformer. Do you know how many of those there are in Nigeria?

Subsea Cable: It would’ve been easier if you agreed to meet me under the sea like I suggested. If not for my life that is in danger, would I have left where I was to come here?

Zikoko: Me I don’t use to enter the sea o. You’ve never heard of Yemoja? But wait, did you say something about your life being in danger?

Subsea Cable: Yes. That’s why I called you. I need advice on how to protect myself.

Zikoko: Is it because of the cut you sustained last week? You look like you’re much better now.

Subsea Cable: Yes, I’m undergoing repairs. But that’s not what I mean. Some fishes have been whispering to me about how some African governments are considering making my “injury” a regular thing.

Zikoko: What do you mean?

Subsea Cable: Well, they noticed and liked how everyone stopped complaining about their incompetence and focused their attention on swearing for whoever cut me.

Zikoko: Ehen, that’s true. Who even cut you in the first place?

Subsea Cable: Are you listening to what I’m saying at all? I’m telling you that I’ll soon become like your National Grid. You know, the one that’s always collapsing.

Zikoko: Wait, let’s get to the root of the original injury first.

Subsea Cable: Look, I don’t have time. I have to return to my office before they report me missing. Can you at least help me secure some police officers to escort me and keep me safe? I heard you people are the giants of Africa. Surely your police are the best, right?

Zikoko: LMAO. Is there a rock under the sea where you live?

Subsea Cable: As how?

Zikoko: Because you must be living under it. I thought you supply the internet for a living? 

Subsea Cable: So your plan is to insult me?

Zikoko: Oya sorry. Let me get this straight. You need a bodyguard to follow you under the sea, abi?

Subsea Cable: That’s what I’ve been saying since.

Zikoko: And the person will be with you 24/7?

Subsea Cable: That’s the idea.

Zikoko: I have exactly who you need. They say he doesn’t sleep till 4 a.m., and he allegedly built a whole city single-handedly, so coming up with strategies to keep you safe will be soft work for him.

Subsea Cable: Wait…isn’t that your pres…?

Zikoko: Say less. DSS knows our office. Do you accept or not?

Subsea Cable: See who I’m even discussing my problems with. You didn’t hear when I said some African governments are planning against me? In fact, I’m out. Maybe Ghana can help me.

Zikoko: Wait na.

[Subsea Cable storms off in disgust]

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