Instead of Focusing on Yours, Here Are 6 Ways to Destroy Other People’s New Year Resolutions

January 11, 2022

We’re already in the second week of the new year, and you know what this means: people have slowly started defaulting on their new year’s resolutions. The people who want to eat healthier have started snacking on eba at 3 a.m, and the ones who want to workout more haven’t even done one push up. If, like me, you’ve already failed on your resolutions, don’t worry. Next year is our year. In the meantime, there’s no reason you shouldn’t spread chaos by spoiling other people’s new year resolutions. After all, misery loves company. 

1. Steal their gym membership cards

Let me not lie to you, your friends are already looking for a way to avoid going to the gym. If their gym membership cards suddenly go missing, they’ll finally have a concrete reason. It’ll be like a sign from the universe.  If you can’t have a summer body for 2022, no one else can. Can I get a “praise Satan”?

2. Buy them junk food

When you think about it, you’re really helping your friends by taking them off their diets. Healthy food is expensive as hell. Which one is grilled plantain with pan-seared salmon for breakfast? Buy soda and pizza, and enjoy your life. 

3. … and alcohol

If your friends want to stop drinking, ask them how they’re going to survive reality without a little liquid courage? It’s not possible na. Help them stop their delusions so you can all spend 2022 creating more drunken unforgettable experiences.

4. Send them endless funny tweets and TikToks

This one is for the people that want to be more productive. Have all the years they’ve spent productive made them millionaires? No. So let them laugh at TikToks and comrade memes on Twitter until they forget the tasks they have to do. WAGMI.

5. Steal their water bottle

Everybody wants to drink more water. What will now happen when all the water in the world finishes? Abi is it only them that want clear skin? Please drink soda and enjoy.

6. Talk about their exes around them

They want to move on from their exes in 2022? Not if you can help it. If you haven’t moved on from your ex, why the fuck should they? Bring up memories of their exes so they can relive the heartbreaks that almost killed them. We die here.

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