Instead of having long, chaotic conversations with inanimate objects, we’ve decided to go around the average Nigerian household and ask what the items around have to say to you, their owners.

Dining table — “Please, use me”

When you were disturbing the carpenter to build me and making plans with your husband to have family meals gathered around me, don’t you know I was excited? Now, you’re just dumping the most random stuff on me and going to eat in front of the TV instead? Shebi they would have used my wood to do something better.

Bed — “Why are you so horny?”

Every day, foki foki. Why? Did they use knacks to swear for you? And you’re even cheating again. The first time madam travelled, I thought, “Okay, I’ll get some rest,” only for you to invite two other people over. TWO. You’re even doing a threesome. Oga, lean on me no be press me die o. 

Gas cooker — “Are you blind?”

No, it’s a genuine question. Are you lacking the ability to see? Okay, tell me why you can’t see that it’s time to clean me. Last week’s semo is still rubbing bodies with today’s noodles on my head, and you still want to cook pasta without cleaning up first. Why? 

Sofa — “My friend, will you stand up?”

Before I close my eyes and open it, carry your smelling body up and go and baff. So because they call this place “living room”, you think you’ll die if you leave here? I wasn’t made to be sat on with dirty body for a full day, please. 

Bedsheets, pillowcases and towels — “If you use us for one more day, we can faint.”

We’re not like the other items that are giving you attitude. We’re begging. This is a life-or-death situation. Please, change us. Same towel for three months? Same beddings for half a year? Even God rested. Help. Please. 

Vaseline and toilet paper — “This isn’t what we were made for.”

Please, someone should help us beg this brother to use us for the right purpose. Please. Once he carries us together like this, the things our eyes see, we cannot say it outside. 

Freezer— “We eating good!”

You’re part of the people complaining Nigeria is bad, but look how much food I’m carrying. Abeg no dey disguise. 

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