How To Be A Lagos Bus Conductor

August 29, 2020

This is for everyone who is considering a career in bus conducting. And even if you are not, this guide will help you understand why Lagos bus conductors behave the way they do.

1. Have crase in your head.

There really is no other way to be a bus conductor if you subtract that important ingredient called crase. No, it doesn’t mean you have to be mad-mad, but be ready to change it for anybody depending on the situation.

2. Be a proficient liar.

And it must be one simple lie: “Two more chance! Two more chance!” even if the entire bus is empty. Once the passengers enter and see that you lied to them, hold them back and say, “Make we find one person join am. We go dey go now.” But still stay there for one more hour.

3. Jumble all your words together.

Are you loading Yaba and Oshodi? In your mouth, it should become “Yab-Oshod! Yab-Oshod!” so that the passengers will wonder when Sanwo-Olu created a new area called Yab-Oshod.

4. Whatever amount the passengers give to you, shout at them that you don’t have change.

And to show them pepper, tie two unrelated passengers together based on N50 change so that they will follow each other with anger in their hearts. You are an agent of anger, do your job well.

5. Sweetheart, as a conductor in the busy city of Lagos, don’t shower or wear clean underwear.

In fact, don’t wear underwear at all. When the bus moves, stand over passengers and bless them with the scent wafting from your unwashed armpits and your private part which you will constantly reach out to scratch. Don’t forget to touch passengers with those hands.

God bless the work of your hands.

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

February 19, 2021

So you want to win the heart of a Port Harcourt person? Love is a beautiful thing. As much as people deny it, everybody wants to fall in love and feel butterflies in their stomach. Even Port Harcourt people want to feel bees in theirs. It might not be easy to win a Port Harcourt […]

July 29, 2020

A haunted house is never fun when you live in one. The idea of ghosts sharing your toothbrush and watching you shower and have sex is something you might want to consider. Here is a list of ways to check if your house is haunted. 1. Doors open and close randomly If doors and windows […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

October 30, 2019

2010 was a game-changing one for Nollywood, with our movies making serious cash and getting international acclaim. So, which of these hits released between 2010 and 2019 — from the pace-setting The Wedding Party to the divisive Trip To Jamaica — best suits your personality? Well, that’s what this quiz is here to answer:

January 2, 2020

Do you have even a single romantic bone in your body? Well, if you’re not sure about just how sweet and thoughtful you can be to someone you love, that’s what this quiz is here to answer. 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are Ready To Marry  Are you ready to marry? Take these quizzes.

More from Inside Life

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

September 13, 2022
Vs The World is a Zikoko original video series that follows best friends Astor and Hassan as they take on the world.
August 23, 2022
Zikoko Ships is a Zikoko Original series where we invite two people who share a relationship to play the Zikoko card games
December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X