This is for everyone who is considering a career in bus conducting. And even if you are not, this guide will help you understand why Lagos bus conductors behave the way they do.
1. Have crase in your head.
There really is no other way to be a bus conductor if you subtract that important ingredient called crase. No, it doesn’t mean you have to be mad-mad, but be ready to change it for anybody depending on the situation.
2. Be a proficient liar.
And it must be one simple lie: “Two more chance! Two more chance!” even if the entire bus is empty. Once the passengers enter and see that you lied to them, hold them back and say, “Make we find one person join am. We go dey go now.” But still stay there for one more hour.
3. Jumble all your words together.
Are you loading Yaba and Oshodi? In your mouth, it should become “Yab-Oshod! Yab-Oshod!” so that the passengers will wonder when Sanwo-Olu created a new area called Yab-Oshod.
4. Whatever amount the passengers give to you, shout at them that you don’t have change.
And to show them pepper, tie two unrelated passengers together based on N50 change so that they will follow each other with anger in their hearts. You are an agent of anger, do your job well.
5. Sweetheart, as a conductor in the busy city of Lagos, don’t shower or wear clean underwear.
In fact, don’t wear underwear at all. When the bus moves, stand over passengers and bless them with the scent wafting from your unwashed armpits and your private part which you will constantly reach out to scratch. Don’t forget to touch passengers with those hands.
God bless the work of your hands.