How Do You Know You’re Entering Nigerian Big Man Status?

November 29, 2018

Any small joke you crack like this, everyone starts laughing like you’re Basket Mouth from year 2000.

You’ll start wondering if it’s more than the joke you told.

Because Dollars have the power to make your voice drop two decibels, you’ll notice your voice has become deeper, richer if we may.

Have you ever heard a rich man whose laugh didn’t sound like the opening to Barry White song?

You can’t ever miss when a big man enters an office, everyone jumps up like all the money shocked them from their seats.

See, someone can’t be a dollar millionaire and you’ll be greeting them sitting down. It’s the Nigerian law.

Nobody walks infront of Nigerian big men. You can be walking at 1km/hr, but people will find a way to walk in slow-motion behind you.

They can be beside, on top, but everyone respects their financial lanes and stays behind big men.

Once you start getting calls like: “it’s John from secondary school, you passed my class one free period in JSS 2”, just know you’re quarter to big man.

That’s when everybody starts trying to form a connection with you.

Once Gala sellers start running after your car, even when there’s no traffic, just know the dollars have started smelling on your body.

Eau de riches you know!

When the police stop you, they don’t frown face and ask for papers. They smile and ask if there’s anything for the weekend.

Even if it’s just Tuesday.

Once they let you park inside Sip, just congrats. Big man status has been confirmed, it’s a done deal.

Don’t forget your day ones though!
Boyin Plumptre

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