8 Skills Everyone Needs To Survive Lagos Buses

March 9, 2020

1) Learn how to fold your legs like collapsable furniture.

In a bid to carry more passengers than their buses would usually take, Lagos bus drivers alter their vehicles to add more seats, leaving next to no legroom for anyone taller than 4 feet. Better join a yoga class now unless you want to spend entire bus journeys with your knee up a random person’s ass.

2) Learn how to shrink.

Along with having more seats than usual, Lagos bus drivers also carry more passengers than usual. This means that saying y’all will be packed like sardines is a serious understatement.

3) Get used to a wide variety of body odours.

There’s nothing worse than having a conductor stretch across the bus to collect money from another passenger and then have his armpit lightly graze your face. The same goes for those passengers who seemingly leave their houses smelling like 3-day old dirty dishwater.

4) Be alert at all times.

Do NOT fall asleep. I repeat, do NOT fall asleep. If you do, you will be robbed blind.

5) Do not help settle fights.

Because Ares and Eris both rule Lagos, it’s a pretty violent place. Fights break out between public transport personnel all the time. If you’re in a bus whose driver/conductor gets into a fight, wait it out while sitting safely inside the bus. If the fight goes on for too long, come down and find your way.

The same thing goes for when they get into trouble with the police or LASTMA for their reckless driving.

6) Always be prepared to run.

You see those fights I talked about? Sometimes, they attract the police. And sometimes, the (trigger happy) police begin shooting for no reason. Unless you want to spend eternity explaining to people in the afterlife how you died under the bridge at Oshodi after being hit by a stray bullet, you better be a fan of comfortable shoes.

7) Always enter with change.

To avoid embarrassment from the conductors, find change before entering their buses.

8) Learn how to jump in and out of moving vehicles.

In tune with Lagos’ chaotic energy, bus drivers will neither fully stop for you to get on or get off. It’s Fast and Furious up in this bitch.

You'll like this

November 14, 2019

So you live in Lagos, or somewhere in Nigeria and you feel like you need a break from the stress of being Nigerian or living in Nigeria, you don’t have to look far out when you’re thinking of places to run to and hide for a few days or weeks. The Jollof road team has […]

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

Watch

Now on Zikoko

September 22, 2020

Hey, hope you didn’t buy the Nation newspaper this morning, because, technically what you would have bought was a birthday card. Big Flex Well, this man here bought the newspaper and here’s what he found – a national birthday card! And it slaps harder like a Nigeria soldier if you accompany it with a birthday […]

September 22, 2020

EbonyLife recently released the official trailer for their upcoming movie, Oloture, and we can’t wait to log into our Netflix account (or our friends’ Netflix account) and watch the thriller, which drops on October 2. The trailer, which depicts Sharon Ooja as a young and naive undercover investigative journalist, is a gripping introduction to the […]

September 22, 2020

Remember the helicopter that crashed in Ikeja, Lagos on August 28, 2020? Well, there are new reports about the crash.  The Bell 206 B3 Helicopter with registration marks 5N-BW operated by Quorum Aviation Limited that crashed in Ikeja, Lagos on August 28 crashed due to fuel shortage reasons. Accident Investigation The Accident Investigation Bureau (AIB) […]

Recommended Quizzes

April 9, 2020

At some point in life, we all learnt that someone can be very intelligent and still lack common sense. That’s the difference between being book smart and being street smart. If you’re not sure where on the spectrum you fall, well, that’s what this quiz is here to tell you. Take it:

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

November 7, 2019

These days, everyone is always talking about how much sex they’re getting, or how little sex they’re getting, or how disgusting sex is etc. There’s just so much talk about sex, it’s almost impossible to know who’s lying and who’s telling the truth. In anticipation of our new series about the sex lives of young […]

April 1, 2020

Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:

More from Inside Life

September 22, 2020

Hey, hope you didn’t buy the Nation newspaper this morning, because, technically what you would have bought was a birthday card. Big Flex Well, this man here bought the newspaper and here’s what he found – a national birthday card! And it slaps harder like a Nigeria soldier if you accompany it with a birthday […]

September 22, 2020

Remember the helicopter that crashed in Ikeja, Lagos on August 28, 2020? Well, there are new reports about the crash.  The Bell 206 B3 Helicopter with registration marks 5N-BW operated by Quorum Aviation Limited that crashed in Ikeja, Lagos on August 28 crashed due to fuel shortage reasons. Accident Investigation The Accident Investigation Bureau (AIB) […]

September 21, 2020

Ozo and Oshiomole were both sent packing this weekend. Who would have thought? Moral: Try no dey too clingy, show dey end. Meanwhile, we look at some lessons from both BBNaija and Edo voting centres. 1. Nigerians massively voted for the BBNaija candidates but were less enthusiastic about the Edo Governorship elections. Checking records from […]

September 20, 2020

Godwin Obaseki has been declared the winner of the Edo Governorship elections, but what does his re-election mean for godfatherism in Nigerian politics? Does this victory mean that so-called “Godfathers” are no more relevant in determining who wins an election in Nigeria? Not Too Long Ago In the run-up to the Edo Governorship elections, a […]

September 20, 2020

The Independent National Electioral Commission (INEC) has declared Godwin Obaseki as the winner of the Edo Governorship elections. Obaseki got 307, 955 votes while his nearest challenger, Osagie Ize-Iyamu polled 223, 619 votes to emerge winner of the elections. He was announced by Prof Akpofureh Rim-Rukeh, the Resident Electoral Commissioner for the elections, as the […]

September 19, 2020

People have different opinions about animals. To others, some animals are cute and adorable, but to Nigerians, they’re the fucking devil. Here’s a list of some animals that Nigerians believe to have ties with Lucifer, the devil. 1. Cats Have you met cats? Those bastards are fucking cute and absolutely fun to be around. The […]

September 19, 2020

A three-story school building has collapsed in the Iyana-Ejigbo area of Lagos. In a statement on its official Twitter account, the Lagos State Emergency Management Agency (LASEMA) confirmed that Excel College, located at 15, Ansarudeen Street, Ile-Epo Bus-Stop, Ejigbo, collapsed at 8:15am this Staurday, 19th September, 2020. Fortunately, nobody was trapped, and no injuries or […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X