1) Learn how to fold your legs like collapsable furniture.
In a bid to carry more passengers than their buses would usually take, Lagos bus drivers alter their vehicles to add more seats, leaving next to no legroom for anyone taller than 4 feet. Better join a yoga class now unless you want to spend entire bus journeys with your knee up a random person’s ass.
2) Learn how to shrink.
Along with having more seats than usual, Lagos bus drivers also carry more passengers than usual. This means that saying y’all will be packed like sardines is a serious understatement.
3) Get used to a wide variety of body odours.
There’s nothing worse than having a conductor stretch across the bus to collect money from another passenger and then have his armpit lightly graze your face. The same goes for those passengers who seemingly leave their houses smelling like 3-day old dirty dishwater.
4) Be alert at all times.
Do NOT fall asleep. I repeat, do NOT fall asleep. If you do, you will be robbed blind.
5) Do not help settle fights.
Because Ares and Eris both rule Lagos, it’s a pretty violent place. Fights break out between public transport personnel all the time. If you’re in a bus whose driver/conductor gets into a fight, wait it out while sitting safely inside the bus. If the fight goes on for too long, come down and find your way.
The same thing goes for when they get into trouble with the police or LASTMA for their reckless driving.
6) Always be prepared to run.
You see those fights I talked about? Sometimes, they attract the police. And sometimes, the (trigger happy) police begin shooting for no reason. Unless you want to spend eternity explaining to people in the afterlife how you died under the bridge at Oshodi after being hit by a stray bullet, you better be a fan of comfortable shoes.
7) Always enter with change.
To avoid embarrassment from the conductors, find change before entering their buses.
8) Learn how to jump in and out of moving vehicles.
In tune with Lagos’ chaotic energy, bus drivers will neither fully stop for you to get on or get off. It’s Fast and Furious up in this bitch.