Yes, it’s almost Christmas again. That glorious time of year where you wonder what exactly is going on with Nigeria’s weather (where is harmattan?!) while dreading the awful reunion with family members you’d actually rather swallow a handful of broken glass than spend time with.
You’ll also have to keep up the charade you all do every year of giving each other gifts you know damn well neither of you couldn’t care less about. Like picture frames or custom mugs that say weirdly personalized and – at the same time – general greetings like, “World’s Best Relative“.
Well, fear not. Because this year, I’m here to help you have fun with this year’s gift giving process.
1) Bed Sheet and pillowcase set:
They’ll be shocked as hell that you splurged on something this nice and will feel super terrible while handing you the 6th mug in 6 years. What they won’t know is that you lined the bedsheets and pillowcases with bed bugs the night before. The ultimate Trojan horse.
2) Throw pillows:
Also, stuffed with bed bugs.
3) Cheap perfume:
Preferably, something social media-themed that costs N400 and you (and they) know that it smells like hot, steamy garbage in a can.
4) A self-help book. Preferably, this one:
Then slip in a hand-written note that says, “I figured you’d want to know why you act like such an inflamed asshole all the time.”
5) “Accidentally” send them something you know that they’re allergic to. Like a cat OR:
6) Anti-wrinkle cream.
Hand it to them along with a picture of them that you’ve labelled to let them know which of their body part needs it the most. Let it be a picture of them that you’ve written the word EVERYWHERE across.
7) A spice collection where you’ve switched out the thyme for weed.
And switched out the salt for cocaine.
8) The 6th book in an interesting, ongoing, but obscure book series.
So that when they almost lose their minds getting into the story (by guessing at five books worth of plot elements), they’ll also have a difficult time finding the rest of the books.