So I was lying on the floor of my windowless bedroom last night listening to the award-winning soundtrack for horror movie The Omen (1976) when I suddenly thought of some children’s games and how they could benefit from a few violent upgrades.
I wish there was a more exciting backstory for what started the train of thought that led to this but that’s pretty much it. Think of this exercise as the answer to the question: What if your childhood games were made into movies by Quentin Tarantino?
Let’s get into it.
1. Tinko Tinko
For those that never played it, this two-player game involves a lot of interchanging slapping of the front and back of the palms with a cheerleader style chant. The game keeps going until one person misses.
I propose that whoever misses gets their wrists broken.
2. Jump Rope
Jumping rope really upsets me because it wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized it was invented as a way to trick kids into exercising. Anyway, while it can be fun (when the rope is held by two others and the person in the middle only has to focus on jumping), it can get repetitive.
To that effect, I propose that tiny razor blades be embedded in the rope so that the jumper’s shins are sliced if they miss.
3. Musical Chairs
When it comes down to two kids and one chair, stop the game, give them weapons, and have them fight each other for it.
4. Change your style
“Change your style! Another style! Another style! BE LIKE THAT!”
The person leading the game yells for everyone to strike two poses (which they do) and then tells them to freeze in their last pose while he/she tries to make them “break character” without physical contact. Whoever breaks character first by moving, loses.
I remember using “change your style” to practice for the modelling career I hoped I’d have at this point, so talking about it hurts like hell. That being said, I propose that whoever breaks character first gets punched in the stomach until they throw up.
5. Police and Thief
Every kid wants to be one of the thieves when playing this game because it’s more fun. So to make the role of the police more appealing, I suggest that they’re equipped with stun guns, specifically the TASER X2. Its 30-second shock time of 50,000 volts of electricity will override the central nervous system and limit muscular control of anyone its fired at, ensuring that there will be no struggle when they’re being dragged to the makeshift prison.
Pssssst! Over here 👋
Because WLYSM! 💙