Who TF Thinks Elisha Abbo Deserves An Award?


July 31, 2019

Of all the things Musa has seen at the gate this July (and there are many), nothing has surprised him quite like the mess that is Elisha Abbo.

Abbo is a Nigerian lawmaker who believes it is normal behaviour to rock snapbacks in 2019. 

He represents Adamawa North and was well on his way to becoming one of Nigeria’s more forgettable lawmakers, collecting his eight-figure salary, chairing one million sub-committees and making the occasional appearance in Dino Melaye’s Instagram stories.

On July 2nd however, news of the senator’s scumminess broke out when he was caught on tape assaulting a woman multiple times in an Abuja sex-shop. 

You can hear him, obviously power (and perhaps other substances) drunk, demanding that the owner of the shop drop her phone, then needlessly get enraged that he is asked to calm down, before resorting to cowardly violence. 

At first, he attempted to explain his idiocy away in this interview, before thinking better of it and releasing the most half-assed attempt at an apology video I’ve ever seen. And I binge watch YouTube apology videos for fun. 

Who wants to bet there was a cue at that point in his real-life ‘apology script’, saying ‘cry here and make it look believable too’.

Also, is it just me, or does he sound like he reads by tracing a finger on each word on the page? Just me? Okay.

You would think, after being caught on video being a 5’4 phallus, and needing to release an apology video for his actions, he would simmer down and take whatever punishment the public and his peers at the Senate would dole out to him. We all must have forgotten we were dealing with a person dangerous enough to voluntarily rock snapbacks in 2019. Clearly he doesn’t give AF about any kind of human opinion, which must explain why only a week after, he was caught on video doing this:

So we have a snapback wearing, people-assaulting senator, given to throwing unnecessary tantrums, even in the face of disciplinary committees. It’s a no-brainer that he should be placed on a suspension at least, pending the time a decision would hopefully be reached to strip him of his senatorial post, and to prosecute his ass, seeing as he assaulted another citizen. A misdemeanor at the very least.

Someone, please explain to me then, why TF this man was seen smiling and recommending that Rauf Aregbesola be given a big ministry to handle during the ministerial screenings? Not for his track record as governor, but for the idiotic reason that Aregbesola was so gracious as to surrender the entirety of his salary to Abbo when he contested a local government chairman position, despite the vast majority of citizens in Osun State being owed salaries at the time.

iguodala confused

And while you’re thinking up that explanation, kindly clarify how any right-thinking human would gift a snapback wearing, people assaulting, tantrum-throwing, selfish ministerial recommendation giving senator, an award for being an Icon of Democracy?

Presenting this award was the Intercommunity Awareness for Change and Development Initiative, an initiative whose Facebook page has 96 followers, and whose last post was a profile picture update from 2015.  Absolutely nothing suspicious about that award here, nope.

Even worse, this man went on to act like he just won his first Grammy, giving the most nauseating acceptance speech of all time. 

Listen to him frame the assault as though it were something that happened to him, reducing the ugliness of his actions to a trending topic. 

And excuse you? The only young people looking up to your 5’4 frame, are pre-tweens still learning to walk. Here’s hoping they steer the clearest away from you. You are no role model and there is absolutely no strength to be drawn from your foolishness.

Please and please Nigerians, can we rally together so the next time we hear about this man, it’s about how prison food keeps giving him incessant diarrhea? Please?

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