The Nigerian Politician’s Guide To Disaster Relief

March 17, 2020

Every Nigerian politician worth half a cup of salt knows that for all intent s and purposes, he has one of the chillest jobs on this planet.

Nigeria disaster relief

I mean, provided you can suffer through wearing those god-awful ankara get-ups and suffering through one or seven assassination attempts during campaign season —

While greasing the right palms and kissing your preferred butt cheek, it’s really not that bad.

Nigeria disaster relief

After victory in elections, the normal thing is to lay low and begin your career as an unofficial travel vlogger, only putting your career on hold when it’s one year to election to start another campaign.

nigeria disaster relief

However, during those three years, there may come a time when one or two things may require you to actually do your job (groan!). Most notably, instances of state disasters.

FESTAC pipeline explosion

Now as a politician, you might freak out. ‘How exactly do they expect me to do my job?!’ you’re probably wondering. Well lucky for you, there’s a blueprint to follow. We’ll be using Governor Sanwo-Olu’s approach to handling the FESTAC Abule-Ado explosion as a case study. Here goes:

Wear your most relatable ‘man of the people baffs’ to visit the disaster site.

Tell your deputy to do the same. Leave your waist trainer at home.

Make interesting hand movements at the scene. Make sure your capture crew gets your best angles.

Nigeria disaster relief

This is especially important if you’ve been casted for pointing by observant citizens.

Depending on how it’s doing you, send a tweet commiserating with the victims.

Doesn’t matter that if you had done your job in the first place, no lives would have had to be lost.

So they won’t say you’re not busy, fly to Abuja to show the president pictures from your photoshoot at the disaster site.

Does it matter that you could have easily sent it to him on the ‘APC Guvnrz Rock’ Whatsapp group where he is the admin? Not really.

For the finale, collect money from the victims of your inadequacies to pay for your inadequacies.

Money is money. These foreign trips won’t pay for themselves you know.

And that dears, is how best to handle disaster relief in Nigeria. Any additional tips? Let us know.

Boyin Plumptre

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