Nollywood caters to just about every entertainment need. Have a kinky wicked mother-in-law fetish? They have you immensely covered. Want to take your Beyonce and Rihanna fangirling to the next level? There’s a movie with professional actresses cosplaying them, just for your viewing pleasure.
Honestly, think up any scenario — any scenario at all — the more ludicrous the better, and I bet you Nollywood has some type of movie for it.
Which is why, for the life of me, I can’t understand why the industry has taken to ignoring the never-ending well of content that is the Nigerian political scene.
Forget giving us the sixth installment of Blackberry babes where they finally pivot to iPhones — where are the reality shows/movies showing us overly dramatised renditions of news that made Nigerian headlines?
Clearly, this under-representation is an oversight on Nollywood’s part. However, I can no longer sit by while this injustice continues.
The entertainment of Nigerians is of the utmost importance to me, so to speed things up, here’s a list of Nigerian political events, complete with working titles that need to be adapted for our screens, tout suite:
Salisu Buhari: The Art of The Scam.
Why isn’t there a movie on Salisu Buhari — Nigeria’s first post-democratic Speaker of the House of Representatives, who scammed his way into said position with a fake age and degree from the University of Toronto, only to get found out, before resign out of shame — on every single hard drive I own, so this treasure is never lost?
I’d also strongly recommend a very dedicated cast for this film. It’s going to take a lot to professionalism to shoot around a zappa beard and not laugh every 5 minutes while filming.
Umar Dikko: Unkidnappable.
The fact that Nigerians have been denied a chance to see Mr Ibu play the Nigerian diplomat who ran across the British airport tarmac to avoid trouble when Umar Dikko was discovered in a crate, is an injustice that simply cannot continue.
We need this movie, and fast.
The Real Senator of Kogi West.
This reality show will follow the man, the myth, the legend – Dino Melaye, and only him around.
I strongly suggest that no other cast member be recruited, simply because I have a running theory that Dino Melaye can make the most mundane things entertaining, all by himself.
Drinking water, driving around, updating his Instagram stories. It’ll be a hit. I can stake my PVC on that.
Alternatively, a fact-finding documentary on just what happened the day Dino Melaye went missing and had to hide in a tree from kidnappers.
Anger Management: The Chidi Lloyd Story.
I need a 360° angle shot of Honourable Chidi Lloyd, former majority leader of the Rivers House of Assembly, breaking fellow lawmaker – Michael Chinda’s head with the revered mace, and I need it yesterday!
A dramatic rendering of the events the led up to this embarrassing moment in Nigeria’s political history has been moved from ‘Want’ status to ‘Need’ by the Nigerian populace. They told me so themselves.
Obasanjo’s Storm In A Teacup.
A little something for fans of paranormal thrillers.
Now, this may or may not have happened, but who wouldn’t want to see a movie about two-time Nigerian president – Olusegun Obasanjo dodging poisoned teas through spiritually detaching tea cup bottoms?
Take all of my money!!!
Who Stole The Mace? Part 1 and 2
Part one will be a fast-paced thriller trying to uncover the events that led to the whole golden mace of Nigeria’s senate getting stolen, only to be discovered, tossed to the side of the road like yesterday’s puff-puff wrapper.
Part 2 will be ironically named, as it will trail the known Anambra House of Assembly mace mugger — Rita Maduwagu, the former speaker of the Anambra State of House of Assembly who, attempting to avoid impeachment ran away with the mace, like any self-respecting adult would. Obviously.
That there isn’t a movie about this already, is currently keeping me up at night, fix up Nollywood.
Hollywood has taken the number one spot in the entertainment industry for one too many years now. It is time for the rise of Nollywood, and what better way to be taken seriously than to make adaptations of one of the most serious social phenomenon there is – politics, using this free of charge list.
(Somebody better run us our coin if these movies end up showing at the cinema, however)