There’s nothing the Nigerian Police Force cannot do. Sure, they can protect you as it says in their job description, but they can also be your worst enemy. They can make up crimes that don’t exist at (illegal) checkpoints, or they can go on Twitter to post safety tips for your benefit.
These safety tips on how to navigate Nigeria come directly from the Police:
“Never use car stickers that say where you work, especially if you have a prestigious job.”
Vehicles are only made for hilarious inscriptions.
“Never share pictures of your kids in their school uniforms or badges. Protect your kids!”
Unless you’re sure your kids can protect themselves, of course.
“When you attend parties, don’t let the band get you so high that you start spraying money. Use an envelope.”
Stop showing off.
“Don’t be the one that tries to empty the ATM machine by making large withdrawals. You don’t need 50k in your wallet to feel like a man.”
Seriously, stop showing off. Hot kidnappers in your area are waiting to hook up.
“Always delete your bank transaction notifications, especially SMS. You really can memorise your bank balance…shred your POS/ATM receipts.”
To be honest, this is sound advice to protect yourself against criminals and police officers at checkpoints.
“Don’t go jogging while it’s dark, you really should be smarter than that. If you can, get someone trusted as company.”
It can either mean potential kidnappers will be discouraged, or you’ll at least have company in captivity.
“Always lock your doors, even if you’re only going out to switch off your generator.”
Don’t leave room for all the weapons fashioned against you to prosper.
“NEVER NEVER, NEVER EVER WEAR YOUR ID card outside your workplace. No one needs to know where you work.”
No one needs to know you’re a pornography historian or whatever it is you do.
“Be accountable to your spouse or parents, let someone know where you are at every point.”
“I’m on my way to the strip club. Tell the children I’ll be home before dinner.”
“As much as you can, don’t send kids alone on errands outside your house, they’re soft targets.”
Again, ignore this advice only if the child can square up in a fight.
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“Don’t try to show that you are the richest in the neighbourhood by making large donations in your estate meetings, learn modesty.”
Don’t do as the spirit leads. Resist the urge.
“When you give, give with modesty and privately, and learn to say “I can’t spare that amount now.”
The “Urgent 2k” industry won’t be happy with this message.
“Don’t stay late in your office long after closing hours. That deadline work can be done later or at home if you wish.”
Always be home early enough for the 7 o’clock news, unless you stay in Lagos.
“Make safety the number one factor in your decision always!”
Stay jiggy – Nigerian Police Force.
“Mind what you post about yourself on social media.”
How many times do you really need to tweet that your money grows like grass?