*straight from the mouth of an imaginary Nigerian politician*
You’ve seen us grace your television screens, switch political parties enough times to make you dizzy and cart away with enough stolen funds to make Abacha blush.
Most likely, you’ve castigated us for one thing or the other. But has anyone stopped to wonder how we spend our days? Or manage our not so Sudden Wealth Syndrome? No! Because you only think about yourselves.
That’s fine, however. Today, you’ll be getting an unsolicited insight into a day in the life of an upper echelon Nigerian politician. Here goes:
I start my day doing the same thing — confirming my account balance with my account manager.
Now, because of how very monied up I am, I like to keep my earnings in Swiss accounts. This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that these sums are allegedly stolen — contrary to whatever you might have heard on social media — but strictly because I love my money keeping cool and enjoying abroad breeze while I’m out here hustling to add to my net income.
Plus, what better way to ruin my Swiss account manager’s day than a daily reminder that he’ll be a broke boi for life?
Anyway, this act usually reminds me there are still several illicit bags to secure, so my appetite for a scam is all excited for the day.
After confirming that I remain unshakeably in the black, it’s usually time to attend to the pressing matter of my morning meal.
A typical politician breakfast usually consists of pure beef (of the political and bovine kind).
This edible beef is sourced from cows that have been fed only corrupt words of affirmation and imported grass, to ensure my day starts off right.
Consuming my breakfast usually leaves me incredibly fagged out, so I proceed to have a quick nap that lasts around 5 hours. Let no one tell you the work of a politician is easy.
When I wake up, it’s usually afternoon. This gives me the chance to spin the roulette wheel conveniently stationed next to my bed labeled:’Work, Relaxation and More Relaxation’, to decide how the rest of my day would pan out.
In the unfortunate event that the arrow lands on work, either of three things may happen: I send out an unsolicited statement to the press on how the opposition parties are to blame for every single ill plaguing the state. Or I stage a photo-op doing some good for the constituents in my locality. Nothing too grand though – maybe the commissioning of a toilet or wooden bridge, you get the idea.
Alternatively, and I absolutely loathe when this happens — but there are days where I actually have to do the job I was elected to. This usually involves attending several meetings and making agendas on how to make the lives of people better. Groan.
Don’t feel too bad for me though. I usually source out a scam from these meetings. They afford me the opportunity to see where an extra zero or seven can be added to the projects we decide on.
By evening, I ought to have decided where to make cuts and who to call on board to make sure my illegal bag goes untampered with, then I put necessary plans in motion.
But these are few and far between, I like to keep my active work hours within a 3-hour daily limit. I am someone’s child after all.
For the rest of the day, you can find me doing absolutely nothing — just how I like it. Literally just that.
Last night, I spent the whole evening wondering what would happen if I tried to sleep with my eyes open. I accidentally fell asleep after the third hour, so I’ll try again today.
There you have it, the incredibly hard-working day of a Nigerian politician. Were you expecting any more?