We are currently in the politically correct year of our Lord 2019, so I will refrain from labelling Nigeria and everything even tangentially related thereto, as one big scam.

What no one can stop me from doing however, is calling out the little demon spawns currently running round Nigeria, dressed as seeming well-adjusted individuals. But who in reality, are looking for the most efficient ways to make large-scale marks of every Nigerian, Caucasian, alsatian, wekk anyone really; they’re not picky,

I have in my hands today, a series of curses to reign down on them:

May you always arrive at the bank right when they shut the door at the last customer.

I hope everytime you go out to eat, they give you hard ponmo

I hope you spend your days feeling like something is stuck in your teeth, but never being able to really pick it out.

I hope your arms shrink in size right when you’re about to scratch that itch in your back.

But more seriously, I hope this happens to you right after experiencing all of this in a single day:

Equally as vengeful as I am, are these 5 Nigerians who, using me as free therapy, vented about their experiences in the hands of Nigerian scammers:

They scammed me young, in secondary school to be precise.

I was in school with a bunch of hooligans, so I guess I should have known to stay woke at all times. Well, one day they caught me slipping and I paid dearly for it.

I don’t know how things are done now, but in my day, mobile phones were strictly prohibited in school, so you know everyone had their phones with them at all times.

Unfortunately for me, I decided to leave my phone in my school bag one morning before assembly, in full view of two of my class mates. Of course by the time I returned, it was missing. To get to the scam, one of those present in class moved heaven and earth to help me find the phone, claiming guilt that he probably passed the robber on his way to the assembly and didn’t stop him. Would you believe this guy asked me to tell him the password to my phone a week after it was lost, just in case he had the good fortune of finding it for me? And would you believe, desperate to have my phone back, I actually gave it to him?

It’s been over 10 years, but the number of curses I have stored up for him only increase as the years pass. 


This didn’t happen to me, but it played out straight in my face.

It was way before people knew to look out for scams promising they had won something or other. Straight from an exhausting day shopping in Balogun Market with my brother and both parents, my father got a call informing him that he had won a prize of around a million naira from a non-descript competition he had signed up for using his Glo number. My dad, ever the opportunist also seemed to recall signing up for the competition (he didn’t really) and asked how he could redeem him prize.

The ever delightful scammers, using their own credit, asked him to send over any account number from a specific bank and its atm pin, so they could make some confirmations before transfer the prize money, which was to be immediate. (Un)fortunately for my father, he didn’t have an account with that bank. Would you believe this man made us drive, completely exhausted to LASU so my brother could help with making the transfer possible?

Smelling a rat, my brother made sure to send a mostly empty and abandoned account to the scammers asking, which prompted the con-man to demand that we fill it up with money before he could make any donations to us.

Long story short, my father is still the butt of many fast money jokes in my house.


What Computer Village has taken my eyes to see.

I have many scamming experiences in Computer village, but you never forget your first time as they say.

After saving over about 80 000 of my hard earned (and some parent-scammed) money, to buy the iPhone 4, I made the trip to purchase the phone at where I thought was a certified dealer in Computer Village. After testing the phone and making sure all of its features worked, my ever thoughtful dealer collected the totality of my saved up money, and phone, promising to return with my phone in a shiny new pack, following which I thanked him and went on my merry way.

Tell me why, after I got home and opened my IPhone 4,  there was eba I could have eaten with hot egusi waiting for me inside, instead of apple software?

They scammed me with hostel oh!

crying campus

There isn’t a day I remember this story that my head doesn’t get hot. First of all, let me blame UNILAG for putting me in the position where I had to buy a hostel in the first place. So there’s this crazy rule where only first and final year students get to ballot for hostels in UNILAG. So, not trying to kill myself with a daily commute from Awoyaya to Unilag every day, I decided to buy a hostel from this man that promised heaven and earth he was a connected guy. So, being a gullible third year student, I gave him  ₦60 000 to make it happen.

Spoiler, he wasn’t connected. After ignoring my calls and literally speeding away in his car anytime he saw me on campus, I resolved to squat for the year at New Hall hostel, I couldn’t even tell my parents, I had to jog to Moremi anytime they came to visit and pose outside. It is well sha.


One letter, three times. MMM.

That’s all. – Jude



Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.