He’s on the street, he’s where you eat, he’s around the corner, and on the walls of Ipaja. Coming to a square-space near you: a poster, billboard, lifesize cut-out, blimp and app (yes, even the PlayStore isn’t safe) of the Lagos State Gubernatorial candidate- Babajide Olusola Sanwo-Olu.

I have to call out his full government name because this man has tried in my life. I sneeze, the Sanwo-Olu poster to my right blesses me. I eat and forget to clear the dishes, the Sanwo-Olu pop-up ad on my phone reminds me to clear up. I have seen way, way too much of this man for someone I am not having relations with. So Saturday last week— I put my foot down. Enough was actually enough. No longer would his and Hamzat’s vote-pleading, death stares trail me as I rode to work, I would simply look away, or cross my eyes until whatever campaigning gimmick employed was obscured in my vision.

And it worked! Posters lining the streets? Too bad my eyes are closed to that BS., life-size cut-out jumps at you in traffic? Great thing I’m too busy staring at my nose to take notice then. For about 2.5 days, I was Sanwo-Olu free and couldn’t have been happier. It all came to a screeching halt however, when I decided to cross the bridge to see how the other side lived. That’s when my problems started.

While driving back from post-work drinks at Bourdillon last week Tuesday, my colleagues and I started a game called: “is that a bank or someone’s actual house?”, which, If you’ve ever been on Bourdillon, you’d completely understand.

I love Ikoyi. It’s aspirational, the air smells like new Benzes and the streets look like they were paved with dollars. It’s also Sanwo-Olu central, a fact which, until it was too late, I sadly forgot.

We joked and pointed at a lot of buildings, deeming them non-residential for our own peace of mind. When it came to my turn, I attempted to get a better view of a duplex that looked like it could house a family of no less than 22 — when I made the mistake of locking eyes with one Sanwo-Olu poster. Just one. Before I knew it, I was staring transfixed at the hundreds and hundreds of hypnotising posters that lined the streetlights of Bourdillon as our car sped past.

I didn’t feel so good after that. Strange thoughts filled my head when I eventually got home. “Is his campaign really that aggressive?” “What would his voice sound like saying Igbega Eko?”.

By morning, my condition had worsened.

Where formerly, I would roll my eyes at, or just outrightly ignore the deluge of Sanwo-Olu posters on the road, I started to notice new, worrying things. Like how blue is actually his colour, or how he really should stick to the bearded look and dump the beardless one for now. How his eyes crinkled when he gave us that side-smile in the agbada campaign shot. How I couldn’t decide if the framed or frameless glasses suited him better (I’m team frameless now though). Guys, I was so lost in the weird sauce, I actually started looking out for new places he could put his posters.

My crush (?) grew even stronger when the photos of him visiting the phone repair-shop and the hair salon dropped. Instead of acknowledging them for the terrible mess of photo-ops they really were — I, and I alone deciphered the inner meanings of his actions.

Like how him tending to this lady’s hair simply meant he was ready to wash and set Lagos for better times ahead.

Or how his aggressive handling of this poor tire, simply meant this was the energy he’d adopt in solving most of Lagos’ problems.

And these squeaky clean mechanic overalls? Obviously, they implied how he’d take care of Lagos’ finances and other problems without any corruption stains on himself or Hamzat.

Lmao, I actually can’t continue writing this with a straight face. Can somebody please beg Sanwo-Olu to relax on this campaign before it turns to fight here?


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