Guys and girls, I’m writing this with 10% left on my laptop battery.
We’re in the part of a horror movie where someone says, “It can’t get any worse,” and then it does. It started with contaminated fuel, then unending fuel scarcity, a surge in fuel price, transportation, food and now… Nigeria’s national grid keeps collapsing.
The only people enjoying this are the people that like semo. They’re used to suffering. Throw the rest of us into a group chat to rant, and this is how it’ll unfold.
Zikoko: Hey Nigerians. How far?
Fred: Is it Friday yet? Can I drink? I feel like I’ve aged 30 years.
David: If I start talking, I can cry. First of all, I left Lagos for Abuja, thinking electricity would be better there. But I should have known from the ridiculous flight fare that nowhere is safe. I had to enter a cramped bus all the way from Lagos. The consolation was the thought of escaping the Lagos madness. Well, I’ll tell you for free: Abuja is much worse. There’s no light. And the sun? Just cook me.
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Nkechi: Let’s not even get started with that sun. A few days ago, my generator was stolen. I’m practically losing my mind in this heat.
David: Ehyaaa, sorry. What d’you mean your generator was stolen?
Sarah: I just want my mummy. I’m the real mumu for trusting that things would get better in this country. Now, look at me. First, I’ll struggle to buy fuel, then I’ll now struggle to hide it from my neighbours again.
Tommy: I feel you. “Stay on the island,” they said. “A serviced estate is the soft life,” they said. Now, look at me. I’m in Ikoyi, and estate generator fuel price don pass rent money.
David: What do you mean stolen generator?
Fav: Hug anybody you know living in a serviced apartment.
Pam: Forget the heat. My landlady just turned off the water for the entire building because there’s no light to pump more. Not that there’s no water at all o. She’s just saving our water for her family and church members — she’s also a pastor.
Uche: Family and church ke?
Pam: I’m trying not to break down. I need to focus on work.
Uche: With everything, deadlines at work are still choking me. There’s no motivation for me to even think.
Fred: Pele bro. I haven’t been to the office as much as I’ve been there in the last week. Today is my third day in a row. God abeg.
Sarah: You people have money o. Getting to work is another stress. The transport prices go up every day. I’m paying almost triple the amount we started the year with.
Uche: Remote workers are the ones enjoying.
Fav: You want to roll with the big boys? Uche, e touch remote workers too. What happens when my laptop dies? How many hours do I have in a day to be spending hours in a fuel queue? On Monday, I had to take all my meetings in the car for four hours to get fuel.
Dami: Babe, imagine doing that and finally getting to the pump and the POS rejects your card?
Dami: I had to go to another filling station to queue up. Again!
Ama: In Ibadan, fuelling stations aren’t even selling to people with jerry cans again. My only alternative is the black market. I’ve been buying 25 litres for ₦10k. I can’t take this for another month.
Fav: Do we have a choice? The other day, I had to buy from the black market and it knocked my car and generator engine. Look, I can’t even cry. My freezer is packed with food, and I need to keep my gen running. The generator noise is also killing me. God abeg!
Richard: Add Ogun state to the list. My only saving grace today was my neighbour’s house. I’ve never been this tired and stressed out.
Fred: Broooooo. The power grid has collapsed more than Jean Grey whenever she tries to use her powers. It feels like we’re being punished. Every bad thing seems to be happening to us at the same time.
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Nkechi: Coping isn’t even a thing. No one is coping. We’re just existing.
Aisha: If I talk, I’ll break down.
David: If your partner is in uni, you can’t even vent. ASUU is also choking them. It’s been three months since my babe has been stuck at home. We’re both tensed up.
Fav: Everybody get as e dey pinch dem for this country.
David: Nkechi, can we talk about your stolen generator now?
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