Odunayo, Author at Zikoko!

1. First of all you have to pick a Twitter. You have intellectual, economist, feminist, life coach, relationship advisor, political, LWKMD, football Twitter etc.

Just pick one. Or you might be relegated to one.
2. If you decide to go with intellectual Twitter, you need a proper grasp of the art of faking depth plus or minus several dozen ‘isms’.

Google is always your friend.
3. You need an indepth knowledge of Twitter vocabulary and syntax.

This is not a drill. Wyd if you don’t know what ‘wyd’ means?
4. There are only five topics that Nigerian Twitter recycles – feminism, women cooking, men paying for cab, rape and money.

Know these topics well, or know how to be fake deep.
5. Don’t laugh too much when someone is getting trolled. Your time will come.

It is guaranteed.
6. When someone that’s being trolled calls you for defense, don’t respond.

It’s a slippery slope from there to the Trailer Jam Show.
7. Learn to ignore. Many will tweet stupid things, but you should try to remain Christ-like.

All you can do is pray.
8. Your comeback game must be 100.

If someone tests you and you cannot return the favor, everyone will begin to come for you. Easy target.
9. Always join the correct (faux) outrage train. Know which side to be on.

Look for the side with the most heavyweights (cool people) and join them.
10. And when they’re insulting the person with the difference of opinion, mildly join in too. Not enough to stand out though.

Light insults.
11. Realize that everyone is rich on Twitter and hide your struggle well.

It’s only on Twitter that we look down on hire purchases.
12. Twitter is where everyone is an expert at everything, so have an opinion on anything and everything.

Tweet about tech, stocks and smart stuff. Even if your wisdom is off the back of a trailer.
13. When a topic that you’re ACTUALLY an expert at comes up, please flourish.

Loud it! You might not get that chance again.
14. When your tweet that was suppose to bang, doesn’t bang. Delete it and try again.

Don’t give up.
15. Your follower to following ratio should not exceed 3:1 at every point in time.

If not, you lose cool points.
16. Tweet about how disgusting SubDeliveryMan is. But stalk his TL religiously because you cannot lag behind on gist.

Double standards. I know, right?
17. When you want to steal tweets, steal tweets from like a million timelines away.

Plagiarism checker Twitter is not a myth.
18. And lastly, when you want to lie on Twitter, make it believable.

Twitter does not like false dodo. You will never live it down.
1. The “I’m definitely going to report you” face

Just let them get home.
2. The “Please don’t tell mummy and daddy” face

Just this once…
3. The “You can’t compete with this” face

Last born cuteness always wins!
4. The “So you think this will work?” face

Not overtime report, sometimes form siblings alliance.
5. The “I can’t believe you still reported me” face

Huge betrayal, bro!
6. The “I can’t believe you’re not in trouble” face

If it was me now…
7. The “So they bought for you and didn’t buy for me” face

Maybe I’m adopted.
8. The “I’m next in line for the beating” face

And it’s your fault.
9. The “I’m DEFINITELY next in line for the beating” face

This sibling thing is not working out.
10. The “Mummy and daddy are going to kill me” face

I should probably do it for them.
11. The “Mummy and daddy are going to kill YOU” face

This should be fun!
12. The “Mummy please stop talking, you’re embarrassing us” face

Can the ground just open?
13. The “Why are mummy and daddy always lying about keeping our money” face

All the money they have ‘kept’ where is it??
14. The “Everyone knows I’m the favorite child” face.

I’m sha number one!
15. The “Don’t come and embarrass me in school” face

Once we cross those school gates, I don’t know you.
16. The “I know your secret” face

Enjoy yourself. Till I expose you.
17. The “I can’t believe we are related” face

No really, It’s a lie.
18. The “It’s all your fault” face

Gosh you’re horrible!
19. The “What’s this one saying?” face

Ugh!
20. The “Do it yourself” face

Shebi you were forming older sibling?
21. The “I’m not giving you” face

Nope.
22. The “Well done” face

Continue. My time is coming.
I know we are used to Nigerian mothers serving face, but I think Nigerian fathers are underrated. I mean, these men talk in faces!!
1. When you try to remind him about the money he promised you.

Jeez, Dad!
2. Or when you randomly ask him for anything.

I mean, you’re my dad right?
3. When you say something incredibly stupid.

And you just wish you had shut up.
4. When you offend your mom, and he has to discipline you…

…but he secretly doesn’t want to. And now he has to and it’s all your fault.
5. When you deliberately go against his advice and you get this familiar face.

You should’ve just listened.
6. When your teacher is reporting you to him.

You better be very afraid!
7. When he’s trying to let you know that your beatdown is coming.

Yup! It’s about to be lit.
8. When he’s watching the news or football and you change the channel.

LMAO! Are you mad?
9. When you embarrass him in front of his friends.

Oniranu!
10. When you’ve done anything to ‘disgrace the family name’ and he hands you over to your mom.

You’re her child now.
11. When you personally let him down.

You feel so crushed.
12. When he’s explaining the relationship between you and your phone.

But he’s not even mad.
13. When you tell him you’re going out of the house.

Be going. Sha come back.
14. When you come back home late and he’s waiting like…

…go back to where you’re coming from.
15. When you people are forcing him to watch Telemundo or Nollywood.

You cannot come and kill me.
16. When you come home with 1.4 CGPA and still ask for a new phone.

Are you stupid?
17. When you serve him food without water.

See your life!
18. When you start explaining the technicalities of your course to him.

Wo! Carry your wahala and be going.
19. When your father finds your Twitter page, and he cannot believe this is his child.

Kai!
20. When you ask your dad if he’s proud of you.

LOL, afi pride!
21. When your dad is punishing you sibling and you start laughing.

You want stray slap abi?
But sometimes, sometimes, your dad can turn up with the best of them.

Like when those traditional drums come on!
Listen, people — I know we’re all thinking these things, but don’t Google search them. Others will see them too.

Here’s everything Google Nigeria will suggest when you start to type:

1. We are the one of the most religious people in the world!

2. We care about money, love and weddings. In that order.

3. We tend to offend people a lot. So, you gotta get your apologies right in Nigeria.

4. Postinor takes precedence over Paypal and the internet over here. Don’t ask me why.

5. Hindsight is a powerful thing. Also we love Chris Brown. And Chris Brown’s I should have kissed you.

6. No one understands Nigeria’s conditions more than Nigerians.

7. We do not like Lagos. Not a lot, at least.

8. We obviously think Buhari has powers. He was sick, dead then back.

9. Obasanjo is still a mystery to us.

10. We are ALL about the money.

11. We care about babies – and peace.

12. We like to budget.

13. We ask the important questions.

14. We have an unhealthy view of GEJ. The illuminati? Come on!

15. And never mind that we condemn them everyday, we want to join the illuminati

Strange. That’s the word that comes to mind. Nigerians are the strangest people in the world. Share to confront others with this dose of Google reality!
1. When you are trying to find a bra that actually fits

And if/when you actually find one, it’s probably the price of a house in Lekki.

2. When you try to put on your bra when there’s no light

This is the biggest struggle ever

3. When you have to run unexpectedly

God why?

4. When your shirts just refuse to button up

Gap city.

5. Then they finally button up, but the button just pops…or worse

Safety pin time.

6. When you just can’t wear a push-up bra in peace

No one wants death by boobs

7. When you try wear a tent-style blouse and just end up looking like a house

Not fair.

8. Whenever you tell anyone that you’re thinking of getting a breast reduction, people act like you’re thinking about cutting your arm off

Is it your own?

9. When you lie on your back and it feels like your boobs are trying to choke you

Why me..?

10. When you realize everyone you meet is probably staring at your boobs

Jeez! Stop staring.

11. When you try to wear a strapless bra, and you start thinking about your life…

…because it keeps slipping off.

12. Everybody wants to hug you

Please no.

13. When you wear a seatbelt or a messenger bag and it divides your chest into two clean halves

Fix this lord!

14. When food falls down your cleavage, and you don’t bother to try to get it out because you know you won’t find it

Ugh why?!! It’s gone now.

15. When your mom asks, “Which bra are you wearing today?”

And you start to wonder if your boobs are sagging?

But ultimately you love yourself and your boobs, because you’re winning!
Happy Easter, guys!
1. When you realize it’s a 4 – day weekend.

This is the life.
2. When your boss gives you work today and says the deadline is Friday…

…but Friday is Good Friday and there’s no work.
3. When you keep hearing ‘Easter bunny’ and ‘Easter eggs’ on TV but you’re in Nigeria so you don’t even understand why they exist.

Rice and chicken. As usual.
4. When your friends start asking you why Catholics take Easter so seriously.

Is it ya concern?
5. When you realize that you will actually be in church from Thursday to Sunday.

And you have to follow Jesus to Galilee on Monday.
6. But all those non-Catholics are getting a holiday too, and they’re not spending all of it in church.

SMH!
7. And on Good Friday, you cannot eat meat, so it’s a fishy affair.

Which is probably not much fun, except it’s peppersoup.
8. When you do something bad on Easter Saturday but you cannot be sad, because Jesus already died for your sins on Good Friday.

Bless you, Lord.
9. “Bless me father for I have sinned. It’s been 8 years since my last confession…”

8 YEARS?!
10. When you’re at Peter’s fire and they get to the part where he betrayed Jesus and the guilt just washes over you.

And you start promising not to sin again.
11. When you sleep off during vigil so you’re not awake at midnight when Jesus rises.

No really, how do you feel?
12. When Easter Sunday service is so long, you’re sure it’s penance for all your sins.

I won’t sin again.
13. But you console yourslef with the fire jollof rice at home after church so you try to relax.

Take your time, Sir.
14. When your parents STILL waste time greeting their friends after church.

Even today? You saw them last week!!!!
15. When all your non-Catholic family friends come to your house for ‘Easter Party’ so you have to be a waiter on the day your Lord rose from the dead.

It’s not your fault.
16. But finally, you’re happy it’s Easter because it means lent is over, and so is the long fast.

*relief*
1. When you fall in front of EVERYONE!

Stand up and yell “FOUND IT”.

2. When that silent fart comes out loud in an elevator

Stare at someone till they apologize. You did it, but you’re living through it same as everyone else.

3. When your handshake ends up confused

LOL! That’s really funny, but don’t give up.

4. Or completely missed

Keep Trying. The hands will eventually meet.

5. When your highfive is ignored

Don’t stop trying to highfive them.

6. When you try to push a pull door

Keep pushing, mate. Don’t let the door win. Break it if you have to, just don’t stop pushing.

7. Or you walk right into a glass door

It’s the door’s fault for being too transparent.

8. When your food pours all over the floor

Delicious food is still delicious. No matter what surface you eat it from.

9. When you burn your dodo

Eat it. Because it’s still dodo at heart.

10. When you mistakenly wear your shirt inside out…outside of your house

What if it was intentional, right? They don’t know.

11. When you actually cannot walk in your heels

But you still believe in your slay, so it doesn’t really matter.

12. When a car splashes water on your work clothes

Just imagine you washed the trouser. It will dry. It’s all moisture.

13. Bonus mentions

1. When your heel breaks

Break the second heel. Might be a fashion revolution.

2. When you realize you missed a belt hole

Don’t redo it. Power through the day

3. When your slippers cut mid-walk

Remove the second one and do your walk of shame.

5. When you wear two different legs of socks

Don’t worry. Someone else will look like a bigger idiot than you.

6. When the wind blows your wig right off

If it can be blown off that easily, do you really want it? Go your way, sister.

7. When you’re riding okada and one leg of slippers falls off

Don’t look back. Never stop moving forward. It’s in the past now.

We’ve all been there. Please just own the awkward!

1. First of all you have to pick a Twitter. You have intellectual, economist, feminist, life coach, relationship advisor, political, LWKMD, football Twitter etc.

2. If you decide to go with intellectual Twitter, you need a proper grasp of the art of faking depth plus or minus several dozen ‘isms’.

3. You need an indepth knowledge of Twitter vocabulary and syntax.

4. There are only five topics that Nigerian Twitter recycles – feminism, women cooking, men paying for cab, rape and money.

5. Don’t laugh too much when someone is getting trolled. Your time will come.

6. ​When someone that’s being trolled calls you for defense, don’t respond.​

7. Learn to ignore. Many will tweet stupid things, but you should try to remain Christ-like.

8. Your comeback game must be 100.

9. Always join the correct (faux) outrage train. Know which side to be on.

10. And when they’re insulting the person with the difference of opinion, mildly join in too. Not enough to stand out though.

11. Realize that everyone is rich on Twitter and hide your struggle well.

12. Twitter is where everyone is an expert at everything, so have an opinion on anything and everything.

13. When a topic that you’re ACTUALLY an expert at comes up, please flourish.

14. When your tweet that was suppose to bang, doesn’t bang. Delete it and try again.

15. Your follower to following ratio should not exceed 3:1 at every point in time.

16. Tweet about how disgusting SubDeliveryMan is. But stalk his TL religiously because you cannot lag behind on gist.

17. When you want to steal tweets, steal tweets from like a million timelines away.

18. And lastly, when you want to lie on Twitter, make it believable.

1. The “I’m definitely going to report you” face

2. The “Please don’t tell mummy and daddy” face

3. The “You can’t compete with this” face

4. The “So you think this will work?” face

5. The “I can’t believe you still reported me” face

6. The “I can’t believe you’re not in trouble” face

7. The “So they bought for you and didn’t buy for me” face

8. The “I’m next in line for the beating” face

9. The “I’m DEFINITELY next in line for the beating” face

10. The “Mummy and daddy are going to kill me” face

11. The “Mummy and daddy are going to kill YOU” face

12. The “Mummy please stop talking, you’re embarrassing us” face

13. The “Why are mummy and daddy always lying about keeping our money” face

14. The “Everyone knows I’m the favorite child” face.

15. The “Don’t come and embarrass me in school” face

16. The “I know your secret” face

17. The “I can’t believe we are related” face

18. The “It’s all your fault” face

19. The “What’s this one saying?” face

20. The “Do it yourself” face

21. The “I’m not giving you” face

22. The “Well done” face

1. When you try to remind him about the money he promised you.

2. Or when you randomly ask him for anything.

3. When you say something incredibly stupid.

4. When you offend your mom, and he has to discipline you…

5. When you deliberately go against his advice and you get this familiar face.

6. When your teacher is reporting you to him.

7. When he’s trying to let you know that your beatdown is coming.

8. When he’s watching the news or football and you change the channel.

9. When you embarrass him in front of his friends.

10. When you’ve done anything to ‘disgrace the family name’ and he hands you over to your mom.

11. When you personally let him down.

12. When he’s explaining the relationship between you and your phone.

13. When you tell him you’re going out of the house.

14. When you come back home late and he’s waiting like…

15. When you people are forcing him to watch Telemundo or Nollywood.

16. When you come home with 1.4 CGPA and still ask for a new phone.

17. When you serve him food without water.

18. When you start explaining the technicalities of your course to him.

19. When your father finds your Twitter page, and he cannot believe this is his child.

20. When you ask your dad if he’s proud of you.

21. When your dad is punishing you sibling and you start laughing.

But sometimes, sometimes, your dad can turn up with the best of them.

1. We are the one of the most religious people in the world!

2. We care about money, love and weddings. In that order.

3. We tend to offend people a lot. So, you gotta get your apologies right in Nigeria.

4. Postinor takes precedence over Paypal and the internet over here. Don’t ask me why.

5. Hindsight is a powerful thing. Also we love Chris Brown. And Chris Brown’s I should have kissed you.

6. No one understands Nigeria’s conditions more than Nigerians.

7. We do not like Lagos. Not a lot, at least.

8. We obviously think Buhari has powers. He was sick, dead then back.

9. Obasanjo is still a mystery to us.

10. We are ALL about the money.

11. We care about babies – and peace.

12. We like to budget.

13. We ask the important questions.

14. We have an unhealthy view of GEJ. The illuminati? Come on!

15. And never mind that we condemn them everyday, we want to join the illuminati

1. When you are trying to find a bra that actually fits

2. When you try to put on your bra when there’s no light

3. When you have to run unexpectedly

6. When someone that’s being trolled calls you for defense, don’t respond.