How To Be The ‘Perfect’ Nigerian Child

July 5, 2016

1. You have to come out of the womb knowing how to wash dishes and sweep the house.

Why else do you think you were born?

2. You have to be very talented but you cannot become a musician.

Use your talents to entertain us around the house.

3. If you are having academic issues, keep it to yourself.

All your parents want to see are those As.

4. As a Nigerian child, your career options are limited to Doctor, Engineer, Lawyer…maybe Accountant.

In that order. The lower you go, the more disappointing you are.

5. You’re a child, so everything that goes wrong in the house is your fault.

…even when it isn’t, just accept the beating.

6. As a Nigerian child you need to be self sufficient from babyhood.

Wake yourself up, dress yourself up and drive yourself to school.

7. You should have no social life, but you must get married at the appointed time.

No one cares how you do it, just make it happen.

8. Remember to never ask questions, challenge your parents or disagree.

You’re a child, you have no opinions.

9. Don’t try to have a conversation with your parents. You should be seen not heard.

Okay?

10. Anticipate your parents’ needs, so that you can fulfill it before they even ask.

That’s a good boy!

11. You should have all the available meanings of ‘kini’ at your fingertips so that when your mom says “Bring my Kini”, you’re there.

This is it!

12. If your mother ever has to make her own meals or wash a dish, you have failed as a child.

Just so you know.

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

October 15, 2019

Life is full of mess ups, some that can be contained, others that cannot and then there are some that are so hilarious, if you are not the one dealing with it, you can’t fathom how they could happen in the first place. Here’s a list of mishaps that you may have had: 1) Texting […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

how much of an ajebutter
February 12, 2020

Are you an ajebutter or not? Well, if you’ve gone through life blissfully unaware of its harshness, then you probably are. Now, we want to know just how high you rank on that ajebutter scale, using your food preferences as a (very accurate) measure. Take to find out:

November 25, 2019

We already guessed how many people you’ve slept with, and y’all were out here denying the truth. Anyway, we won’t hold that against you. This time, however, we’ve created a quiz that predicts who you’ll sleep with next — so you can either prepare or try (unsuccessfully) to prevent it. So, take and see:

March 24, 2020

While we know that a lot of the best Nigerian artists deservedly have fans across generations, that won’t stop us from attempting to guess how old you are based on your taste in Nigerian music. So, take this quiz to see if we got it right:

October 29, 2019

We are going to be attempting to guess when you’ll marry based on your favourite Nigerian foods. What does your fave swallow have to do with when you’ll tie the knot? Please, don’t ask complicated questions. This quiz is rigorous and accurate (don’t quote us), so just take it already. QUIZ: Why Do You Have […]

What are you like in a relationship?
February 7, 2020

Your taste in music can say a lot about you, and this time, it’s going to reveal what you are like in a relationship. So, pick a few of your favourite Nigerian love songs, and we’ll let you know if you’re typically a distant, passionate or unbothered partner. Here you go:

More from Oldies

May 27, 2021

Children’s day, a day set apart for kids. Like they don’t win at life already? You’re not paying bills or rent and you have a day to celebrate yourself? Get me their manager, please. On days like this, we can’t help but remember how good we used to have it so we wrote this article […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X