How To Be The ‘Perfect’ Nigerian Child

July 5, 2016

1. You have to come out of the womb knowing how to wash dishes and sweep the house.

Why else do you think you were born?

2. You have to be very talented but you cannot become a musician.

Use your talents to entertain us around the house.

3. If you are having academic issues, keep it to yourself.

All your parents want to see are those As.

4. As a Nigerian child, your career options are limited to Doctor, Engineer, Lawyer…maybe Accountant.

In that order. The lower you go, the more disappointing you are.

5. You’re a child, so everything that goes wrong in the house is your fault.

…even when it isn’t, just accept the beating.

6. As a Nigerian child you need to be self sufficient from babyhood.

Wake yourself up, dress yourself up and drive yourself to school.

7. You should have no social life, but you must get married at the appointed time.

No one cares how you do it, just make it happen.

8. Remember to never ask questions, challenge your parents or disagree.

You’re a child, you have no opinions.

9. Don’t try to have a conversation with your parents. You should be seen not heard.

Okay?

10. Anticipate your parents’ needs, so that you can fulfill it before they even ask.

That’s a good boy!

11. You should have all the available meanings of ‘kini’ at your fingertips so that when your mom says “Bring my Kini”, you’re there.

This is it!

12. If your mother ever has to make her own meals or wash a dish, you have failed as a child.

Just so you know.

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

February 4, 2020

Food is life, we agree. But do you know that while you’ve been playing it safe with food, some people are out there engaging in culinary BDSM? We know you don’t, and that’s why we brought you this to help you move your meal time from basic to advanced. Below is a list of weird […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

April 14, 2020

Every friend group consists of very different and specific characters — from the parent to the fun one — and it can be a little tough figuring out where you fall. So, we’ve created a quiz that lets you know exactly what kind of friend you are. Take to find out:

October 29, 2019

We are going to be attempting to guess when you’ll marry based on your favourite Nigerian foods. What does your fave swallow have to do with when you’ll tie the knot? Please, don’t ask complicated questions. This quiz is rigorous and accurate (don’t quote us), so just take it already. QUIZ: Why Do You Have […]

November 20, 2019

Last month, we thoughtfully made a quiz telling you guys exactly when you’ll marry, but some of you claimed that your spouse was nowhere to be found. Well, now we’ve created one that’ll tell you exactly who you’ll be dragging down that aisle. Take and start planning that wedding: 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are […]

November 14, 2019

The fourth season of Big Brother Naija came to an end over a month ago, but the conversation surrounding the housemates is far from over. So, in a bid to keep the fire burning, we decided to create a quiz that tells you which famous member of the ‘Pepper Dem’ gang is your soulmate. Take […]

More from Oldies

May 27, 2021

Children’s day, a day set apart for kids. Like they don’t win at life already? You’re not paying bills or rent and you have a day to celebrate yourself? Get me their manager, please. On days like this, we can’t help but remember how good we used to have it so we wrote this article […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

September 13, 2022
Vs The World is a Zikoko original video series that follows best friends Astor and Hassan as they take on the world.
August 23, 2022
Zikoko Ships is a Zikoko Original series where we invite two people who share a relationship to play the Zikoko card games
December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X