1. When you’re buying your ticket and the person says there’s no change.
You will not build house with all my change please.
2. When someone forms smart and cuts the line.
Me I’m here to sell groundnut abi?
3. Then they lie about being there before and find one mumu to support their story.
Two of you are foolish.
4. When someone starts a conversation with you so they can cut the line in front of you.
LOL, no.
5. If you’re a girl, one old woman is always there to tell you that you’re dressed improperly.
Yes. You said so yesterday too.
6. When you’ve been queueing for the bus since yesterday and it gets full right in front of you.
I’m not crying.
7. When there’s traffic and all the passengers are yelling at the driver to take an alternate route.
Sha don’t pass where they’ll rob us and harvest our kidneys.
8. Then the driver takes an alternate route and the bus gets stuck in more traffic.
You people can see what you caused abi?
9. When you’re in the BRT and you start feeling better than people in yellow buses.
Obviously, your priorities are not arranged.
10. When someone says “owa o” in the one of the new buses when they are actually supposed to press the bell.
You must be new around here.
11. When you – expert BRT taker – notice too late that they’ve passed your bus stop.
Oh God!
12. When the same people you saw yesterday, are there today and now they think you’re all some sort of BRT family.
They might keep space for you on the line sha.
13. When a stranger gets too close to you on the bus.
Sorry, do I know you?
14. When you’re using your phone and someone is looking into the phone.
Jesus!
15. When someone on the bus starts preaching.
I left yellow buses for this?
16. When the person next to you tries to chat you up.
If he/she is fine, listen first sha.
17. When someone starts eating near you.
Do you not know this is a confined space?
18. When the BRT stops in the middle of the road and the driver is asking passengers to help push it.
Not today, Satan.
Thanks to @fosudo for his contribution to this post.
1. When the lecturer says ‘assignment’, but you’re okay because you got this.
We okay!
2. When you see your classmates stressing to do this assignment.
You people work too hard.
3. This is you the night before your assignment is due.
I cannot come and die.
4. But when it’s time to submit, you do it like a boss.
Yass!
5. When someone asks to copy what you copied.
The more the merrier.
6. When someone asks how you finished in such a short time.
Saviour!
7. When you realize that the assignment questions were slightly different for everybody.
*starts praying*
8. When the lecturer says he will run the assignments through a plagiarism checker.
WHAT?!
9. When the papers come and you see your score.
What could I have done different?
10. When the person you copied from passes and you fail, so you start wondering if you’re bad at dubbing.
And you can’t even go and meet the lecturer.
11. When the ‘C’ and ‘V’ keys on your laptop stop working.
Devil is a liar!
12. When the assignment doesn’t even count at the end of the day.
You see!
1. When you ask them to take a good picture of you and they take one that makes you look like melted amala.
Wawu!
2. And when they want to post a picture of you, they put the one where you look absolutely disgusting.
Who sent you?
3. When something good happens to you and instead of “congratulations”, you hear “you were lucky that..”
Hate..hate..hate…HATER!
4. When you’re around your crush of life and they start reminding you of every bad thing that has happened to you.
“Remember that time you fell inside the gutter?”
5. When they know your bae is cheating on you but they allow you act the fool and be forming love on social media.
God will remove you from my life.
6. When they go on Twitter and divulge all your business in the name of ‘bants’.
You are *clap..clap* CUT OFF!
7. When they publicly share screenshots of your chat in your private Whatsapp group.
Gbeborun!
8. When you tell them to lie to your bae for you and they ‘forget’.
He still won’t date you sha.
9. When they tell you someone is not good for you, and the next thing they’re engaged to him.
Wait what?
10. When you ask them if an outfit looks good on you and they say yes, but you out here looking like Dencia at the Grammys.
It’s like you’re mad.
11. When you use them to lie to your parents when you go out. And then your parents call them and they say “Ah, Seyi is not here ma!”
They better adopt your snitching ass.
12. When you look hot in an outifit and they say you should change because they don’t want you to look hotter than them.
Smh!
13. When you tell them a secret, and the next thing it’s on the internet.
Please exit my life.
14. When every compliment from them is a veiled insult.
“It’s so great, the way you don’t care about the way you look when you leave the house.”
Thank you. Please, come and be going.
15. When you buy something, and they buy the exact same thing the next day so that you don’t have anything nicer than them.
Wo! It’s not a competition now?
16. When you start talking about your problems and they find a way to make it about them.
Are you the sun? Because the earth must revolve around you.
1. Half the time, everyone forgets that you exist.
You can run away and no one would notice.
2. But when it’s time for chores you are stuck with the ones your older and younger siblings don’t want.
I’m not even mad.
3. When there are 4 of you and they even treat the second born better than you.
Na wa oh! I’m not even really in the middle.
4. When your siblings are arguing and you know you have to solve it.
I didn’t ask for this.
5. You’re constantly being bullied by the oldest and annoyed by the youngest.
This isn’t even life.
6. Somehow you’re blamed for everything. Because the oldest is too old to have done it and the youngest is too young to do it.
But I’m the perfect criminal? Great!
7. When your achievements don’t mean as much because your elder sibling already did it and your younger sibling will also do it.
So basically no need.
8. When your mom calls you every other siblings’ name except your own.
No, these are not tears.
9. When you suck up and do oversabi yet no one ever notices or gives you credit.
Hay God!
10. Whenever you remember that you were once the last born and you notice your younger sibling.
Kai God!
11. When your mom comes to pick her kids at school but she forgets you.
I’m here! Jesus!
12. Everyone in the house has a nickname but no one can be bothered to give you one.
Give me a nickname. Any nickname!
13. When your birthday isn’t enough of an event to be remembered.
Don’t mind me. This is only the day I came into the world.
14. For some reason, everyone assumes you require less attention than other kids.
Why?!
15. But you get away with doing so many things because everyone forgets that you exist.
Winning!
1. When your relatives give you money and your parents collect it from you immediately.
Wow, no chill at all.
2. And when you ask for it, you’re ungrateful because “All the food you’ve been eating here nko”.
I didn’t even know I had to pay for food, but okay!
3. When they say “Tell me the truth, I won’t get angry” and then proceed to start shouting.
I thought we had a deal!
4. When you tell your mum you’re in love and she calls a family meeting.
I’m not even here.
5. And these are your parents every Valentine’s day till you’re 21.
But they want you to marry o!
6. According to them, every bad thing that happens to you is because you’re always pressing your phone.
How??
7. When you say you want to visit your friends and they proceed to almost ruin that friendship by asking “How many times have they visited you?”
Thanks for that.
8. When they miss no chance to compare you to your ‘better behaved’ friend.
“Just look at how polite Mrs. A’s son is…and you you will be shouting like a conductor”.
9. When you tell them you want to study Theatre Arts and they just breakdown because you have disgraced the family.
You want all my hard work to be in vain?
10. When you make the mistake of enjoying yourself after failing an exam.
“Is this how you want to live your life?”
11. When you’re rude to your mom and she starts reporting you to everybody.
I’m so very sorry. Please.
12. When you ask for a little freedom and they start giving you examples of people who had freedom and are now misbehaving in society.
Okay! Okay! I’ll stay inside.
13. How they look at you when you bring your friend that is smarter than you home.
So do you people want to give me away now?
14. When visitors come to the house and your mom has downloaded your progress to them in less than five minutes.
WYD, ma?
15. When you’re gisting with your dad and he suddenly turns the joke into a lecture.
Every damn time!
16. When you’re sick or sad, but your mom tells you that the pot won’t wash itself.
WOW!
17. When you wear ripped or distressed clothes and attempt to leave the house.
What were you thinking?
Because our parents have #ZeroTolerance, best to have Orijin Zero to step down.
At least they can’t complain that it has alcohol…
1. When you go about starting a conversation with “As someone who is ripe for marriage”
Over ripe sef.
2. When you’ve enrolled in marriage counselling but you’re still single.
I’m starting for both of us. My husband can join me when I find him.
3. When you start randomly wearing rings on your left hand.
Lol! Please engage me.
4. When you’ve been a bridesmaid 15 times.
Ejoor. Me too I want to marry.
5. And caught the bouquet 14 times.
I caught it…again!
6. When people around you get engaged and you feel the need to update bae about them.
“Very nice ring too!”
7. When you’ve watched ‘Lord of the Rings’ with your bae like 6 times and they still haven’t gotten the hint.
Till I shout it in your face abi?
8. When you go to the mall and you take bae past the ring shop more than once but they still don’t get.
Tori Olorun, buy ring now?
9. When your instagram feed is full of Bella Naija weddings and aso-ebi Bella.
I’m ready.
10. When you dedicatedly trended the #seizethebae2015 and #commitorcomot2016.
Yes! Seize me, please.
11. When everytime your bae buys you a gift in a box, your heart skips a beat.
But then you open it…
12. When more of your friends are getting engaged and it’s upsetting you more and more.
I hope you’re miserable happy.
13. When every white dress starts looking like a wedding dress.
Is this a sign, Lord?
14. Everytime bae bends down, you assume it’s a proposal.
*faints*
15. When someone asks you out but all you want to do is skip dating and go straight to engagement.
It’s getting late abeg.
16. At this point, you don’t mind if someone tosses the ring at you as proposal. Sha propose.
Oya now!
How many weeks has it been since we had fuel and light simultaneously? Or you know, even one after the other. But you know, we are Nigerians, so we have to survive.
1. Always remember that this period is not the time to be moving up and down.
If it’s not urgent, you’re not going.
2. Instead of driving your own car or paying for bus, mount a truck.
You won’t spend money or fuel. Imagine the breeze though!
3. Before you visit anyone, ask them if they have fuel. If they do, will their generator be on?
Let’s not waste each other’s time.
4. Banish the spirit of shame that will not let you charge your phone at the meeting you’re attending.
We are all going through the same things.
5. When you plug your phone, go ahead and plug everything else that needs charging.
Yes. Even your rechargeable fan.
6. When you go to a bank with free sockets, plan to spend at least two hours there.
You need the full battery, and they have AC. This is your home now.
7. To extend your stay at the bank, allow people that enter after you to cut the line in front of you.
They think they’re doing you, but you know better.
8. To make your stay at the bank look legit, withdraw N1000.
It’s still money.
9. Sit in the bank, watch Buhari on CNN and get upset all over again.
This N1000 must be worth it.
10. The next day, go back to the bank to deposit the N1000 and repeat 5, 6, 7 and 8.
They won’t suspect.
11. Carry a water bottle around, you cannot tell when you will encounter a cold water dispenser.
Prepare for the best.
12. When you go to a reastaurant, sit near the sockets.
Take your time to select a seat, they’ll think you’re tush.
13. Then eat as slowly as possible so you can enjoy the AC and charge your devices.
You sha paid.
1. Just sleep.
You probably had to wake up at 5A.M. But keep one eye open, before they chance you.
2. Make friends with your fellow queuers.
Nigerians are nothing if not friendly in crisis.
3. Write a book.
We hear that suffering increases creativity.
4. Turn it into a picnic.
LMAO! Bring the rest of your family to join in the wait – along with food.
5. Start a small business – pure water, bottled water, cold drinks, novels, hand fan etc.
What do you think your boot is for?
6. Write a Nigerian song.
Eedris, African China…they found inspiration in our hopelessness. Honestly, it’s not that hard.
7. Find your bae. Your type will surely be on one of the queues.
With the amount of people queuing, if you don’t find someone in one of the petrol stations, it’s your fault.
8. Get your summer bod ready.
Those kegs and generator tanks are useful for lifting.
9. Take a faux-deep, over edited artistic shot of real Lagos life. Caption: Beauty Within The Madness.
Please. Please. We are all artists.
10. Create a snapchat film. You can still be woke in your suffering.
Yass Queen!
11. Start a Twitter fight about how fuel queues are killing feminism or slutshaming.
That should occupy you for an hour…or seven.
12. Test your partner for marriage readiness.
If they queue with you, walk down the altar.
1. When she doesn’t understand that FIFA and football things are more important than conversation.
Messi is more important!
2. When you say ‘yes’and she doesn’t get that it covers everything she’s been saying, so she starts the lecture all over.
Seriously?
3. When she starts being uncharacteristically logical.
Please go. I don’t know who you are anymore.
4. When you mistakenly cheat on her and she won’t even accept sorry.
But I said sorry now?
5. When she’s sending nudes and traps when there’s no fuel.
So what do you want me to do?
6. When you just insult her small and she gets offended.
Ordinary “man hands”.
7. When she starts stressing you to make sounds during sex.
Silence speaks a thousand words!
8. When she buys you a gift but it’s not a Hublot watch or a PS4.
If I slap you!
9. When she doesn’t understand that you’re supposed to be the only man in her life.
Please, please no competition.
10. When she wants to know ‘who was on the phone’ even though it would break her heart.
I’m protecting you!
11. When it’s been one hour and SHE hasn’t checked up on you.
She don’t care.
12. When she gets upset that you keep calling your ex-girlfriend.
She’s just a friend!
13. When she says she’ll cook for you and she still expects you to help out.
WOW!
14. When she continues to argue with you instead of agreeing that you’re always right.
When will your life be alright?
15. When you’ve been dating for five years but she can’t understand that it’s too early for marriage.
