Odunayo, Author at Zikoko!

1. When someone hits your car and you know your day is about to get bad.

Not today, Satan!
2. When you come down and the person first starts shouting at you.

Is this one mad?
3. When the person tries to lay the blame on you.

Oga fix your life.
4. When the person hits your car and starts begging.

Dun cry, dun beg please.
5. When the people around you start helping you blame the person.

“It’s his fault.” YES!
6. But there are others that are helping him to beg you.

“Oga forgive him.”
7. When you’re a woman and the man that bashes you says he wants to talk to your husband.

On top my own car?!
8. When the person bashes your car and tries to drive away.

Where is this one going?
9. When it’s only a scratch but you feel compelled to make trouble.

You have to pay oh!
10. When the person destroys all your tail-lights and is like “Oga it’s small now”.

HAY GOD! Somebody hold me!
11. When a policeman interferes and you know you have to give him money after.

Who sent you now?
12. When everyone tries to help you settle so you’ll stop causing traffic.

This is where we will all sleep.
13. When someone bashes your car and you come down and see it’s a military man.

Ahan! This small scratch? Don’t worry, Sir.
14. When the people in the traffic you caused start cursing you and the other person.

Jesus! It’s not my fault now!
15. When random people gather to watch the exchange.

Is it Nollywood?
1. When you want to borrow the money, be as humble as possible.

In fact, if you have to fall in love with them to get the money, do it.
2. Thank them well even when you have no intention of giving them the money back.

But they don’t know that.
3. For the first few days (or weeks) after borrowing the money, stay loyal.

You gotta make them feel comfortable.
4. When they ask you when you plan to return the money, never be straightforward.

If you’re in love it’s perfect. They won’t ask.
5. When they ask you for collateral for this money.

Give nothing!
Now to the hiding:

6. Make your Instagram account private.

Do not let them see you flexing.
7. If they’re on your Twitter timeline, you can’t tweet or even ‘lol’ at tweets.

Just save your fire tweets as drafts and ask God for help to gather the money.
8. When your phone is ringing and it’s them, do not pick.

Like, don’t touch the phone.
9. After a while, pick up and tell them your phone fell in the toilet or that you’ve been sick.

That scores you sympathy points or you can just say “I didn’t see your missed call”.
10. When they start shouting for their money, get angry too.

“Is it because of ordinary 45 million naira?”
11. If they catch you at a lit hangout, tell them your rich friend sponsored you.

Before they start thinking you have money.
12. When they don’t believe, ask if you can pay in installments.

1 million naira now, 44 million in 50 years.
13. But you already know it’s safer to avoid lit hangouts and just follow them online.

Sorry, but na you owe money.
14. When you see them walking towards you in public.

Run! Or hide.
15. If you think you might never pay them back, block them across the digital universe.

Just hope they don’t know your house!
16. Or die.

That way you win. You never have to pay.
1. When someone says “you’re lucky you have a job”.

Is that so?
2. When you have one job but you don’t mind another.

Please epp me.
3. When you realise you need another job even after your 2 jobs.

Kuku kill me.
4. When you have a Bachelor’s and a Master’s degree and people still want to pay you less than 100k.

See this foolishness.
5. When your boss tells you that your salary will be late.

Okay…
6. When your salary is finished before you even get it.

This is the way it is now?
7. When people think you can afford stuff because you’re employed.

Sorry to disappoint.
8. When you want to go out and you calculate the expenses.

Nope. No.
9. When your car spoils and you want to repair it. But the price, so you start taking the bus.

This too shall pass away.
10. When you finally manage to buy fuel and the thought of pouring it inside your gen makes you want to vomit.

You just want to hold it to your chest and look at it.
11. When your bank deducts an unauthorized 1000 from your account.

1000 is not beans please.
12. When your salary is now 4 months late but you keep going to work because “at least you have a job”.

May God not punish you.
13. When you finally decide to quit your job and make lemonade with the lemons life handed you.

As in entrepreneur sturvs.
14. When you hear someone in university say “I can’t wait to graduate and get a job”.

You’ll soon see.
15. When you hear students talking about starting salary of “no less than 100k”.

LOOOOOL!
And sometimes by excuses, we mean lies. In some cases, they cannot even be bothered to excuse their behavior.
1. “Why don’t we have fuel?”

2. “What is being done about those stealing Nigeria’s money?”

3. “Why don’t we have electricity?”

4. “Why is there a lack of women’s rights in Nigeria?”

5. “What is the cause of the high unemployment rate?”

6. “Why is the government not paying workers’ salaries on time?”

7. “Why’s the value of the Naira reducing so much?”

8. “Why is Nigeria in so much debt?”

9. “What is the current situation with Boko Haram?”

10. “Why is there so much corruption in Nigeria?”

11. “Why’s the educational system so bad?”
1. When you have to attend mass 7 mornings a week without fail.

Because you have to begin the day with Jesus and Mary.
2. When they expect you to stay awake through morning mass and also stay awake in class for the entire day.

Who do you people want to kill?
3. And there are still evening prayers 7 days a week.

The school life…
4. When the priest is preaching and he mentions how other churches are doing something wrong.

Okay.
5. When your CRK class is basically Cathecism class.

Did I offend you?
6. When you misplace something and the Sisters tell you to pray to St. Anthony to help you find it.

What is this nonsense?
7. When you mistakenly wear your skirt above your knee or sag your trousers.

Is the devil using you?
8. When your sex education was basically “If you talk to boys, you’ll get pregnant”.

And premarital sex is your ticket to hell.
9. And once it’s 12 noon or 6pm, you have to stop everything you’re doing. Because Angelus.

This is a lot! A lot of prayers!
10. When you’re not even Catholic but you have to learn all the prayers and now there’s no space for anything else in your brain.

Too many!
11. When the altar boys and girls were one of the coolest people in school.

Enjoy your godly fame.
12. When they leave space for the Holy Spirit between you and the next person during an exam.

You and the Holy Trinity.
13. When you’re in an only girl’s school and your brother school comes round but you’re not allowed to speak to them.

Just be looking sadly out the window.
14. If you’re not Catholic, the 40 days of Lent were your own personal hell.

I’m not even part of you people!
15. When you commit an offence and they tell you that you just nailed Jesus to the cross.

Jesus! Me?!
16. And now, even if you’re not in a Catholic church, your knee automatically bends when you enter a row.

Put respect in the church!
1. It’s hair day and you’re happy because you finally found the special one that understands your head.

Please never leave me. I love you.
2. And you know your salon is popping because there are pictures of Vivica Fox, Rihanna AND Beyonce on their poster

YASS!!!
3. When you realize you have to clear your schedule because it’s going to be an all day affair.

Gosh!
4. When you get to the salon and everyone there is your hairdresser’s customer.

I’m not sure I understand.
5. But your hairdresser continues telling you “I will soon be done”.

Stop lying to me please.
6. When the bad hairdresser tell you to come over because she’s free.

Not today, Satan.
7. When your hairdresser tells you to let her trainee ‘start’ your hair.

Don’t touch me.
8. When you haven’t even been in the salon 2 seconds and they’re already telling you to relax your natural hair.

I said no.
9. When it’s finally your turn and they spend about 10 minutes examining your hair and complaining about it.

You will sha still make it.
10. When you want to braid your hair and they plop your hair down between their sweaty legs.

Oh the smell…
11. When you tell them the style you want, but the hairdresser says it won’t fit you.

And you trust her so…
12. When they start combing your hair as if you’re not a human that feels pain.

In the name of God…
13. When you ask for a trim and the lady takes 3 inches off your hair.

Because “you needed it”.
14. When your hairdresser decides to take a lunch break midway through your hair.

Really?
15. You trying to understand all the gossip flying around.

I can’t keep up!
16. When there’s a fight among the hairdressers and yours is winning.

I always knew you were the best.
17. When you hear the price for your hair.

Nope. Cannot afford that.
1. When you want to fly from Lagos to Abuja and you see the price.

Let me kuku walk.
2. When you get a text that your 7am flight is now at 1pm.

Why me?
3. When you show up two hours before your flight, but they tell you that check in is closed.

Is it the whole Nigeria that’s entering the flight?
4. When you have been waiting forever for your flight to be called.

1pm flight has not left and it’s already 3pm.
5. After waiting for hours, then they tell you your flight is moved or cancelled.

So you know you have to come back tomorrow and wait again.
6. When they cancel your flight, but your refund has not reached you.

Let me use the money to be great.
7. When the captain casually informs you that your plane is on the fuel queue – with you inside it.

“But it’s not the airline’s fault though.”
8. When the captain is trying to enforce regulations while keeping everyone waiting, but the passengers are not having it.

Oya come and beat us now.
9. When your plane makes an unnanounced stop.

Is this not kidnapping like this?
10. When the plane is shaking from take off till you arrive at your destination.

Blood of Jesus!
11. When they finally announce that it’s food time.

Bring this food abeg.
12. But they serve you day old snacks, and drinks that taste like kolanut and sadness.

God will fight for me.
13. When the person beside you decides to use your shoulder as a pillow.

Is this one insane?
14. When you’re trying to sleep and your fellow passengers decide to have a plane-wide conversation.

What the hell man?!
15. When you’re trying to ask the flight attendants for help, but they’re basically Nigerian customer service agents, so they ignore you.

Bad customer service in the air too? Fix your lives.
16. When someone near your brings their own food on board and the whole plane starts smelling like egusi.

Why do bad things happen to good people?
17. When the captain announces that there will be turbulence.

*Googles: How To Accept Jesus Christ As Your Lord And Savior*
18. When you get down from the plane and you realize some people actually paid for first class on that flight.

Congratulations, you played yourselves.
19. And when you get to the counter in Abuja but your luggage is somehow on its way to Sokoto.

And you’ll probably get it 3 days after you’re back in Lagos.
To a Nigerian parent, failing = coming anything but first.
1. “Your mates that passed, do they have ten heads?”

Na wa oh!
2. “How will you pass when you keep following lazy people. Better change your friends and change your destiny!”

Just small failure.
3. “Shebi if you’ll stop following girls/following boys/playing football/living/breathing, you’ll have time to pass.”

Kuku kill me.
4. “Can’t you see so-so-so-and-so’s child?”

Okay…
5. “When you won’t stop pressing your phone.”

Oya take the phone now.
6. When you ask for anything at all. “this is where they will see you; if it’s to pass exam now, you can’t pass.”

Are you giving me or not?
7. “You want to bring shame to the family?”

When you’re all now looking at me nko?
8. “You think you’re doing us? Keep failing.”

Thanks?
9. “Someone will just be wasting money on school fees on you.”

I’m so confused!
10. “You can eat but you can’t pass.”

I should die?
11. When you want to go out with friends. “The friends you want to follow, did they pass their exam?”

But can I go out?
12. “When I was your age…”

You never failed…yeah I’ve heard.
13. “If you don’t want to go to school tell us.”

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that…”
14. When you mistakenly oversleep. “That’s why you failed.”

Wow.
15. First day of holiday. “Have you read your books.”

Fineeee!
16. When you try to explain why you failed the exam. “Did you write all these explanations down in your exams?”

So unpleasant!
1. When you ask your mother where she put something.

2. When you ask them what course you should study in the university.

3. When you ask your mother why she’s shouting.

4. When you ask your mother where you should place something.

5. When you ask your parents if you can go and visit your friends.

6. When you ask them why you cannot watch Harry Potter.

7. When you ask them if your friends can come and visit.

8. When you ask your mum why you have to eat rice every Sunday.

9. When you ask your dad for money.

10. When you ask your mother why you can’t eat at your friend’s house.

11. When you ask your mom why you have to drink the annointing oil.

12. When you come home with a bad result.

13. When you tell your mother you’re not attending fellowship or vigil.

14. When you ask your mum if you have to go to church on Sunday.

15. When you ask your mum what she just said.

16. When you score 98% on a test.

17. When you ask your dad to increase your pocket money.

18. When you ask your parents why you cannot have a Valentine.
First of all, you need to know that Nigerian mothers and blaming witchcraft

So here are some situations where they don’t hesitate to blame the witches:

1. When a child gets food poisoning.

2. When it suddenly starts raining heavily in the middle of a sunny day.

3. When it’s cloudy but it doesn’t rain.

4. When their child isn’t married.

5. When their child married someone they don’t like.

6. When their child fails CRK at school.

7. When they experience bad financial situations.

8. When they trip while walking.

9. When their child does anything bad.

10. When they hear about a cheating husband.

11. When their child’s nails are too long.

12. When their child asks why he/she cannot watch Harry Potter.

13. When their child fails to do housechores.

14. When they call you repeatedly and you don’t answer.

15. When you talk back to them.

16. When you say you like cats.

1. When someone hits your car and you know your day is about to get bad.

2. When you come down and the person first starts shouting at you.

3. When the person tries to lay the blame on you.

4. When the person hits your car and starts begging.

5. When the people around you start helping you blame the person.

6. But there are others that are helping him to beg you.

7. When you’re a woman and the man that bashes you says he wants to talk to your husband.

8. When the person bashes your car and tries to drive away.

9. When it’s only a scratch but you feel compelled to make trouble.

10. When the person destroys all your tail-lights and is like “Oga it’s small now”.

11. When a policeman interferes and you know you have to give him money after.

12. When everyone tries to help you settle so you’ll stop causing traffic.

13. When someone bashes your car and you come down and see it’s a military man.

14. When the people in the traffic you caused start cursing you and the other person.

15. When random people gather to watch the exchange.

1. When you want to borrow the money, be as humble as possible.

2. Thank them well even when you have no intention of giving them the money back.

3. For the first few days (or weeks) after borrowing the money, stay loyal.

4. When they ask you when you plan to return the money, never be straightforward.

5. When they ask you for collateral for this money.

Now to the hiding:

6. Make your Instagram account private.

7. If they’re on your Twitter timeline, you can’t tweet or even ‘lol’ at tweets.

8. When your phone is ringing and it’s them, do not pick.

9. After a while, pick up and tell them your phone fell in the toilet or that you’ve been sick.

10. When they start shouting for their money, get angry too.

11. If they catch you at a lit hangout, tell them your rich friend sponsored you.

12. When they don’t believe, ask if you can pay in installments.

13. But you already know it’s safer to avoid lit hangouts and just follow them online.

14. When you see them walking towards you in public.

15. If you think you might never pay them back, block them across the digital universe.

16. Or die.

1. When someone says “you’re lucky you have a job”.

2. When you have one job but you don’t mind another.

3. When you realise you need another job even after your 2 jobs.

4. When you have a Bachelor’s and a Master’s degree and people still want to pay you less than 100k.

5. When your boss tells you that your salary will be late.

6. When your salary is finished before you even get it.

7. When people think you can afford stuff because you’re employed.

8. When you want to go out and you calculate the expenses.

9. When your car spoils and you want to repair it. But the price, so you start taking the bus.

10. When you finally manage to buy fuel and the thought of pouring it inside your gen makes you want to vomit.

11. When your bank deducts an unauthorized 1000 from your account.

12. When your salary is now 4 months late but you keep going to work because “at least you have a job”.

13. When you finally decide to quit your job and make lemonade with the lemons life handed you.

14. When you hear someone in university say “I can’t wait to graduate and get a job”.

15. When you hear students talking about starting salary of “no less than 100k”.

1. “Why don’t we have fuel?”

2. “What is being done about those stealing Nigeria’s money?”

3. “Why don’t we have electricity?”

4. “Why is there a lack of women’s rights in Nigeria?”

5. “What is the cause of the high unemployment rate?”

6. “Why is the government not paying workers’ salaries on time?”

7. “Why’s the value of the Naira reducing so much?”

8. “Why is Nigeria in so much debt?”

9. “What is the current situation with Boko Haram?”

10. “Why is there so much corruption in Nigeria?”

11. “Why’s the educational system so bad?”

1. When you have to attend mass 7 mornings a week without fail.

2. When they expect you to stay awake through morning mass and also stay awake in class for the entire day.

3. And there are still evening prayers 7 days a week.

4. When the priest is preaching and he mentions how other churches are doing something wrong.

5. When your CRK class is basically Cathecism class.

6. When you misplace something and the Sisters tell you to pray to St. Anthony to help you find it.

7. When you mistakenly wear your skirt above your knee or sag your trousers.

8. When your sex education was basically “If you talk to boys, you’ll get pregnant”.

9. And once it’s 12 noon or 6pm, you have to stop everything you’re doing. Because Angelus.

10. When you’re not even Catholic but you have to learn all the prayers and now there’s no space for anything else in your brain.

11. When the altar boys and girls were one of the coolest people in school.

12. When they leave space for the Holy Spirit between you and the next person during an exam.

13. When you’re in an only girl’s school and your brother school comes round but you’re not allowed to speak to them.

14. If you’re not Catholic, the 40 days of Lent were your own personal hell.

15. When you commit an offence and they tell you that you just nailed Jesus to the cross.

16. And now, even if you’re not in a Catholic church, your knee automatically bends when you enter a row.

1. It’s hair day and you’re happy because you finally found the special one that understands your head.

2. And you know your salon is popping because there are pictures of Vivica Fox, Rihanna AND Beyonce on their poster

3. When you realize you have to clear your schedule because it’s going to be an all day affair.

4. When you get to the salon and everyone there is your hairdresser’s customer.

5. But your hairdresser continues telling you “I will soon be done”.

6. When the bad hairdresser tell you to come over because she’s free.