Odunayo, Author at Zikoko!

Originally published four years ago in November 2015, The Complete Guide To Being A Yoruba Demon is a Zikoko classic that we’ve brought back due to popular demand.

Lagos big boy =/= Yoruba** Demon; But they do share some similarities. And contrary to popular opinion, anyone can be a Yoruba Demon.

**Yoruba: (adj) Yoruba, as used here, does not refer to the tribe. The Term ‘Yoruba’ describes a heartless, cheating, lying person. Usually male.

1. The White Trad.
If you don’t have a white trad – Agbada, Buba and Sokoto – starched with tears and broken hearts, you’re honestly not ready to undertake this journey.

2. The Black Trad.
Wear it. Look devastatingly hot in it. This is for the elite club of lucifer’s henchmen. The Black Trad is for the higher ranking Yoruba Demons.

3. A main phone…usually an iPhone.
Always the latest iPhone. I’ll explain the reason in coming numbers.

4. A supporting phone…Usually a Samsung Galaxy Mobile.
Also always the latest model. I swear there’s a reason why.

5. Dark shades.
Aviators or Ray Bans. These are to protect your eye movements. You can be talking to one girl and ~~impregnating~~ scoping like 4 others.

6. A Plush Ride…Toyota Camry and Above.
Now, Lagos Big Boys can just show off their car keys. That’s not enough for a Yoruba Demon. You have to have the actual car. Girls have to see you in that car. How else will you convince them that you can take care of them?

7. A main chic…an actual main girlfriend.
The girl you show to the world. This is the person whose number you store on the iPhone. The one you love and plan to marry. Almost always an Igbo* girl. She can match you heartlessness for heartlessness.

*Igbo: (adj) Igbo, as used here, does not refer to the tribe. The Term ‘Igbo’ describes a heartless – sometimes cheating – person. Usually female.

8. Like 23 Side Chics.
You populate the Samsung Galaxy contact list with these ones. They’re the ones you spend all your money on. But you never, EVER get photographed with them. That never ends well.

9. A sincere smile.
This is how you melt all girls’ hearts. When you smile, panties should drop, hearts should open, intestines should sing!

10. A lying tongue.
You cannot let them suspect you. You have to be a smooth operator. Lie circles around them. It’s your legacy.

11. A gaping hole where your heart should be.
See, this is the only way you can justify what comes next. You didn’t honestly think you could do this and remain human did you?

12. Roaming eyes.
Your eyes are constantly scouting for the next target. It’s a hard knock life, really.

13. A Cheating Spirit.
When you have no heart, a cheating spirit settles into where your heart should be. And you take your final place as a Yoruba Demon.

14. A string of broken hearts in your wake.
Break them! All of them. 10 broken hearts is nothing to a true Yoruba demon. Break them and walk way like a superstar!

15. A long line of willing hearts in your future.
As a Yoruba Demon, your work is never done. So you keep moving forward. Break more hearts and don’t look back.

You’re welcome.

Last, last sha, it’s you guys we will still marry.
1. When you get a mail about clearance sales from one of these online stores.

Everything is 40% off. Jesus!
2. When ASOS sends you a mail in this high exchange rate period.

Get away from me, Satan!
3. When you finally open the site and you still cannot afford the items.

Don’t you dare send me any more emails.
4. When you’re knee-deep in window shopping and your browser tab starts looking like this:

*tears*
5. When you realize that there isn’t really money to buy anything.

Help me, Lord.
6. You, lying to yourself that you really need the product and it’s a good deal.

It’s a good deal. I can’t get it anywhere else. I’m so lucky.
7. When you finally decide to spend your next month’s salary and order something.

It’s just money.
8. When you want to check out and you see the delivery price.

No free delivery?
9. After all the high prices, then you notice there’s no Pay on Delivery option.

I’m not doing again.
10. When they say your item will be delivered in 5 – 7 days but it’s been 8 days.

Thank God it’s Pay on Delivery.
11. What you ordered online vs. what gets delivered.

What is this?!
12. When your item is delivered and it’s in the wrong size.

JESUS!
13. Online shopping sites, when you try to return a damaged item.

It’s mission impossible.
1. When you can feel that the time is around the corner.

Do I have to go through this?!
2. When you’re emotional for no reason and everything around you makes you want to cry. Or laugh. Or roll around.

I don’t even know again.
3. When someone points out that you’re emotional for no reason.

Is this one mad?
4. When you want to attempt movement even though you’re in pain.

I can’t.
5. When you sneeze while on your period.

Gosh!
6. When someone dares to breathe around you.

HOW DARE YOU?!
7. You when someone touches your food/ hair/ anything without asking.

Kuku kill me oh!
8. When everyone talking around you sounds like they’re shouting.

Shut up now?!
9. When you finally find pain killers.

I love you!
10. You, waiting for the painkillers to kick in.

Na wa oh, is it not just to dissolve?
11. When you have taken the maximum painkiller dosage for the day but the pain just won’t go away.

Should I take more?
12. When you’re nursing your pain and someone invites you to go out.

NO!
13. When your pain starts on Sunday but you have to suck it up and go to work on Monday.

It’s hard outchea!
14. When your colleagues try to interact with you in your state.

Not today, Satan!
15. When bae asks “How are you feeling?”

You can’t understand me. You don’t know my pain. You don’t know my struggle! Co-written by Zikoko Contributor, Obeyaa Atta
1. When you first get admission into university.

Watch out for me.
2. But your WAEC results are not out yet, so you have to go without them.

We dey wait.
3. When people who already have their results are talking.

I don’t blame you.
4. When all the lecturers keep saying how your name isn’t written in biro because you’ve not matriculated.

But you don’t even have result yet.
5. When you hear that result is out.

Jeso Kreste!
6. When you see people starting to pack their stuff to leave the school.

HAY GOD!
7. When you’ve not even seen your own result but someone is complaining about getting a credit.

Will you shut up!
8. You, about to check your result.

God please…
9. When one of your compulsory courses is outstanding.

Why me?!
10. When someone asks “What did you get in Maths?”

What’s ya business?
11. When you hear that you can combine results.

Thank you, Lord!
12. When you fail one subject in WAEC but now you’re hoping to pass it in NECO.

I shall not be sent home.
13. When you see all the non-awaiting result students just enjoying themselves.

Congrats.
14. When your lecturer starts suggesting ‘change of course’.

Not today, Satan.
15. When your results are finally complete and you can matriculate.

Finally!
1. When you first get your phone and your autocorrect is not even correcting you.

WYD???
2. After a while, autocorrect starts acting like it knows more than you.

Stay in your lane please.
3. When autocorrect starts correcting and replacing your name in your own phone.

Time to deactivate you.
4. When you’re angry and want to swear but it won’t even let you.

Did I buy you or did you buy me?!
5. When you’re typing nonsense thinking autocorrect has your back and it leaves your nonsense for you like that.

What a betrayed!
6. When you’re typing in your native language and it’s still trying to mind your business for you.

Mo ti gbo –> Month to go. Be careful please!
7. When autocorrect changes ‘food’ to ‘good’ in your worst moments of hunger.

How dare you?!
8. When you’ve typed and retyped a word six times because your autocorrect won’t let you move forward.

I’m not doing again.
9. When you type an insult to someone and send it but you can blame it on autocorrect.

Wasn’t me.
10. When autocorrect changes ‘OMW’ to ‘On my way!’, even though you’ve still not left your house.

Why so excited?!
11. When autocorrect starts suggesting words to complete your sentence.

You don’t know me.
12. When you’re helping your parents type messages on their ‘unsmart’ phones and you’re missing autocorrect.

I’m sorry. Come back please.
13. When it tries to correct your slang.

Better behave.
This post was inspired by everyone who contributed to this trend.
1. When you had to go to the beach, but it wasn’t for fun.

I’m not crying.
2. When being a child didn’t stop you from being a soldier of Christ.

Never too early, bruh!
3. When it looked like attending church was all you ever did.

Sigh!
4. When you hear the song, “Jesu ja” and you lose all home training.

Give me space to dance plis!
5. When a Woli is beating you and your siblings and your mom just unlooks.

<_< >_>
6. When you already bought your ticket to travel but a new prophecy says you can’t.

Jeso Kreste! Who will refund this money?!
7. When the person delivering messages starts walking towards you.

*replays entire life in 5 seconds*
8. When they mention your name during Visions and Dreams.

Me?
9. When C&S people come to the Celestial Church for harvest and it’s time to clap.

Lord!
10. When you invite your friend to church & 3 prophets prophesy about him that day.

Lmao, what?!
11. When you bow at the wrong time during the 7 Hallejuahs, Hosannahs, and Ebenezers.

Please don’t judge me.
12. How people from other churches look when you tell them about your church.

Ah pele oh!
13. ‘When you hear “Jerri ri mo ya ma”, and you’re happy because service is almost over.

Thank God!
14. When the Olusho is preaching and one of the choristers hits the keyboard, and you’re in the choir.

Wasn’t me!
15. When the Woli says someone is going on Ori-Oke for 7 days.

I don’t want it.
16. When you hear “the time has now come for 7 elders prayer…”.

This is where Monday will meet us.
17. When people are starting to go into trances and you’re just wishing your mum isn’t one of them.

Please now!
18. When you turn to the wrong corner of the earth during Halleluyah.

Sorry neoww! So many bad eyes.
1. When you hear Ramadan, and you’re already thinking of the 2-day public holiday at the end of it.

God bless you guys!
2. And all the food that you’ll be going around eating.

Imma need these days to move fast.
3. When they finally announce the public holidays and it’s not a long weekend.

What’s all these?
4. How you greet all your Muslim acquaintances.

Where that meat at?
5. When you dress up on Eid day and people start asking if you’re a Muslim too.

No, I’m just going to eat.
6. When you see your Muslim friends receiving Sallah money from their relatives.

Y’all get Sallah money? Why don’t Christians give Easter money though?
7. When you’re keeping an eye on your neighbor’s house to know when they start serving the meat, so you’ll ‘unintentionally’ walk past.

Don’t mind me. Just running an errand.
8. When you hear some people saying this is not the ram holiday.

Are you kidding me? Are we here to joke?
9. You, yesterday, when the government added one more day to the public holidays.

Yass!!!
10. When you secretly wish that they won’t still sight the moon so that Friday can be a public holiday too.

The moon should lost please.
11. But now you’re confused about which day to go about eating.

Is it today or tomorrow?
12. When your boss calls to ask if you can manage to come to work on Thursday.

NO!
13. When you finally get the reward you’ve been waiting for.

Happy Eid!!!
1. You have to come out of the womb knowing how to wash dishes and sweep the house.

Why else do you think you were born?
2. You have to be very talented but you cannot become a musician.

Use your talents to entertain us around the house.
3. If you are having academic issues, keep it to yourself.

All your parents want to see are those As.
4. As a Nigerian child, your career options are limited to Doctor, Engineer, Lawyer…maybe Accountant.

In that order. The lower you go, the more disappointing you are.
5. You’re a child, so everything that goes wrong in the house is your fault.

…even when it isn’t, just accept the beating.
6. As a Nigerian child you need to be self sufficient from babyhood.

Wake yourself up, dress yourself up and drive yourself to school.
7. You should have no social life, but you must get married at the appointed time.

No one cares how you do it, just make it happen.
8. Remember to never ask questions, challenge your parents or disagree.

You’re a child, you have no opinions.
9. Don’t try to have a conversation with your parents. You should be seen not heard.

Okay?
10. Anticipate your parents’ needs, so that you can fulfill it before they even ask.

That’s a good boy!
11. You should have all the available meanings of ‘kini’ at your fingertips so that when your mom says “Bring my Kini”, you’re there.

This is it!
12. If your mother ever has to make her own meals or wash a dish, you have failed as a child.

Just so you know.
1. When you haven’t even finished your graduation ceremony but your mother is already looking at you somehow.

I literally just finished!
2. How Nigerians see you when your above 24 and female…and unmarried.

Hian!
3. When one person actually asks why you’re not married yet.

Nigeria.
4. Everyday you log on to Facebook and someone from your secondary school is getting married.

Is it everyday?!
5. When your married friends start telling you “God will do your own”.

Did I ask you?
6. When someone is getting married and their aso ebi is 100k.

Will the souvenir be gold?
7. When someone tries to involve you in their elaborate proposal plans.

I no dey do!
8. When someone tries to insult you with “Go and Marry”.

Try again.
9. When your relatives start talking to your mother about your “condition”.

You will not mind your business now.
10. When you hear that people go to weddings to find marriage prospects.

Ehen?!
11. But you’re just always there for the food.

Plis don’t skip my table.
12. How people imagine you feel because you’re single.

Is that so?!
13. How you actually feel.

Does my crown bother you?
14. When everyone around you starts trying to set you up.

No! No!
15. When your parents ask what are your marriage plans.

I don’t understand the question.

1. The White Trad.

2. The Black Trad.

3. A main phone…usually an iPhone.

4. A supporting phone…Usually a Samsung Galaxy Mobile.

5. Dark shades.

6. A Plush Ride…Toyota Camry and Above.

7. A main chic…an actual main girlfriend.

8. Like 23 Side Chics.

9. A sincere smile.

10. A lying tongue.

11. A gaping hole where your heart should be.

12. Roaming eyes.

13. A Cheating Spirit.

14. A string of broken hearts in your wake.

15. A long line of willing hearts in your future.

1. When you get a mail about clearance sales from one of these online stores.

2. When ASOS sends you a mail in this high exchange rate period.

3. When you finally open the site and you still cannot afford the items.

4. When you’re knee-deep in window shopping and your browser tab starts looking like this:

5. When you realize that there isn’t really money to buy anything.

6. You, lying to yourself that you really need the product and it’s a good deal.

7. When you finally decide to spend your next month’s salary and order something.

8. When you want to check out and you see the delivery price.

9. After all the high prices, then you notice there’s no Pay on Delivery option.

10. When they say your item will be delivered in 5 – 7 days but it’s been 8 days.

11. What you ordered online vs. what gets delivered.

12. When your item is delivered and it’s in the wrong size.

13. Online shopping sites, when you try to return a damaged item.

1. When you can feel that the time is around the corner.

2. When you’re emotional for no reason and everything around you makes you want to cry. Or laugh. Or roll around.

3. When someone points out that you’re emotional for no reason.

4. When you want to attempt movement even though you’re in pain.

5. When you sneeze while on your period.

6. When someone dares to breathe around you.

7. You when someone touches your food/ hair/ anything without asking.

8. When everyone talking around you sounds like they’re shouting.

9. When you finally find pain killers.

10. You, waiting for the painkillers to kick in.

11. When you have taken the maximum painkiller dosage for the day but the pain just won’t go away.

12. When you’re nursing your pain and someone invites you to go out.

13. When your pain starts on Sunday but you have to suck it up and go to work on Monday.

14. When your colleagues try to interact with you in your state.

15. When bae asks “How are you feeling?”

1. When you first get admission into university.

2. But your WAEC results are not out yet, so you have to go without them.

3. When people who already have their results are talking.

4. When all the lecturers keep saying how your name isn’t written in biro because you’ve not matriculated.

5. When you hear that result is out.

6. When you see people starting to pack their stuff to leave the school.

7. When you’ve not even seen your own result but someone is complaining about getting a credit.

8. You, about to check your result.

9. When one of your compulsory courses is outstanding.

10. When someone asks “What did you get in Maths?”

11. When you hear that you can combine results.

12. When you fail one subject in WAEC but now you’re hoping to pass it in NECO.

13. When you see all the non-awaiting result students just enjoying themselves.

14. When your lecturer starts suggesting ‘change of course’.

15. When your results are finally complete and you can matriculate.

1. When you first get your phone and your autocorrect is not even correcting you.

2. After a while, autocorrect starts acting like it knows more than you.

3. When autocorrect starts correcting and replacing your name in your own phone.

4. When you’re angry and want to swear but it won’t even let you.

5. When you’re typing nonsense thinking autocorrect has your back and it leaves your nonsense for you like that.

6. When you’re typing in your native language and it’s still trying to mind your business for you.

7. When autocorrect changes ‘food’ to ‘good’ in your worst moments of hunger.

8. When you’ve typed and retyped a word six times because your autocorrect won’t let you move forward.

9. When you type an insult to someone and send it but you can blame it on autocorrect.

10. When autocorrect changes ‘OMW’ to ‘On my way!’, even though you’ve still not left your house.

11. When autocorrect starts suggesting words to complete your sentence.

12. When you’re helping your parents type messages on their ‘unsmart’ phones and you’re missing autocorrect.

13. When it tries to correct your slang.

1. When you had to go to the beach, but it wasn’t for fun.

2. When being a child didn’t stop you from being a soldier of Christ.

3. When it looked like attending church was all you ever did.

4. When you hear the song, “Jesu ja” and you lose all home training.

5. When a Woli is beating you and your siblings and your mom just unlooks.

6. When you already bought your ticket to travel but a new prophecy says you can’t.

7. When the person delivering messages starts walking towards you.

8. When they mention your name during Visions and Dreams.

9. When C&S people come to the Celestial Church for harvest and it’s time to clap.