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  • 1. Being born into the PHCN struggle:

    God, why not the abroad na?

    2. Your generator’s best friend:

    Except when there is fuel scarcity sha.

    3. When you are about to put on your gen for the night and they bring light.

    See what God can do.

    4. You, checking that house everyone uses to know if they have brought light.

    Their own gen is never on.

    5. When they bring light and none of your neighbours come to tell you.

    Is it like that you used to do?

    6. When NEPA shows its true colours.

    I knew it was too good to be true

    7. You, sitting in the dark and waiting for them to bring the light back:

    I’m sha not risking it again.

    8. When they bring light and nobody in your house wants to go and change over.

    It’s not me sha

    9. You, when your generator dies in the middle of the night.

    Who is doing me from the village?

    10. When your generator dies but your neighbour’s own is still on.

    It will now be sounding louder than normal.

    11. When you put on the small gen but you forgot to turn off the AC.

    The struggle.

    12. How you look at your generator when the rope cuts:

    Hay God!

    13. When you realize your phone wasn’t charging and it’s time to put off the gen.

    Kuku kill me.

  • 1. The eba stick that doubles as a weapon:

    Your mother’s favourite.

    2. The iron sponge that is always on the brink of death:

    Your only friend when washing that evil pot.

    3. The Nylon bag full of even more nylon bags:

    For what? Only God knows.

    4. The only seasoning that matters:

    More important than water sef.

    5. The bowl every visitor uses to wash their hand before they eat:

    Because God forbid they enter the kitchen to wash their hands.

    6. The almighty microwave cover:

    Nigerian mothers swore it would prevent cancer.

    7. That bowl with a wedding or burial sticker:

    If not for Owambes would Nigerians even have kitchen utensils?

    8. That handle-less pot that is “older than you”:

    You mother had the pot before she had you. Show it respect.

    9. The eva bottle filled with palm oil:

    The realest oil ever made.

    10. The infinite number of unwashable plastic containers:

    That stain will NEVER go out.

    11. Those plastic covers with their matching bowls nowhere in sight:

    Always more covers than actual bowls.

    12. The blender that smells like pepper no matter how much you wash it:

    Can even try and blend anything else without tasting pepper.

    13. The morning fresh that is more water than actual morning fresh:

    It always lasts longer than it has any right to.

    14. The ice-cream bowl full of disappointment:

    It will never not hurt,

    15. The “there is rice at home” bag of rice:

    How rice is not on the Nigerian flag is beyond us.

  • 1. How your parents come to wake you up in the morning:

    You people should chill, biko.

    2. When you open your eyes and it’s still pitch black outside.

    Hay God! What time is it?

    3. When your whole family is waiting for you to lead opening prayer.

    Why me na?

    4. When your mother decides to lead praise & worship, so you know you will clap tire.

    Get ready for at least 10 songs.

    5. You, trying your best to not fall asleep.

    The struggle is real.

    6. When your mother starts using what you did during the week to preach.

    Sub me jeje.

    7. Your father, when he hears you and your siblings gisting.

    We are sorry, sir.

    8. When your parents turn the devotion into a full-blown Sunday service.

    Kai!

    9. Your parents, when they catch you dozing off:

    You are now possessed, abi?

    10. When the devotion was meant to last 30 minutes and 1 hour has already passed.

    Somebody save me.

    11. When the person that is meant to lead closing prayer starts off with another song.

    How is it doing you?

    12. When your mother still prays right after you just lead closing prayers.

    Ah! You don’t trust my own prayer to reach God?

    13. When you think it’s over, then this song restarts it.

  • 1. When hair decides to grow everywhere else on your body except your chin.

    Is it fair?

    2. When you go to the salon and your barber shaves off the 3 strands you’ve been managing.

    See this bastard.

    3. You, rubbing methylated spirit and indian hemp on your chin like:

    Baba God, do it for your son.

    4. Your face, whenever you see a Gillette ad on TV.

    Stop the torture.

    5. When you see an Igbo babe that has more hair on her chin than you.

    I’m jealous.

    6. How you look at men that actually have and decide to shave it off:

    God will judge you.

    7. What your chin looks like if you decide to go months without shaving:

    See my life.

    8. You, remembering all the lies your Biology teacher told you about puberty.

    Where is the facial hair you promised?

    9. When the only hair growing on your face is just a useless moustache.

    Who sent you?

    10. When your hair finally decides to start growing on your chin but it now refuses to join your sideburns.

    What is now the point, biko?

  • 1. God, let my enemies not recognize me like Cynthia Morgan.

    2. God, add colour to my life like Yemi Alade’s wardrobe.

    3. God, relax the exchange rate like Korede Bello’s hair.

    4. God, airbrush my problems like Rita Dominic’s picture.

    5. God, let my future be as bright as Toke Makinwa’s new skin.

    6. God, let my account balance glow up like Mo’ Cheddah.

    7. God, take me from razz to royalty like Uncle Olamide.

    8. God, turn my ratchet to riches like Mummy Omotola.

    9. God, add plenty flesh to my testimony like Skales.

    10. God, upgrade my career like Seyi Shay’s style.

    11. God, give me a reason to smile like Oga Davido.

    12. God, turn my night to day like Tonto Dikeh’s complexion.

  • 1. How all the class efikos sit in front during speech and prize giving day:

    Let’s do this.

    2. Those unbothered students that only came for free drinks and food:

    Where is the meatpie, biko?

    3. You, when just one student is collecting all the gifts for your set:

    Who is this one?

    4. How the students that get called out for best in Maths and English walk out:

    WINNING!

    5. All your classmates, when the class olodo’s name gets called:

    Say what?

    6. How your mother looks at you when it’s almost over and they still haven’t called your name:

    See your life.

    7. When your father comes with all his friends and you haven’t won anything.

    Hay God!

    8. When your friend that always stabs class with you gets called out and you’re still empty-handed.

    WOW! So it’s like that?

    9. When your mates are getting called out for ‘best in Physics’ and you hear your name for ‘best in Yoruba’.

    To use and do what?

    10. When the efikos open their prizes in front of you and you’re just seeing water bottles.

    See nonsense.

    11. You, when the class oversabi’s name doesn’t get called out.

    OUCH!

    12. How you leave the speech and prize giving day empty-handed:

    It can pain.

  • 1. You, devising new tactics to catch your prey.

    Have to be prepared.

    2. When you finally meet a light-skinned Igbo babe that is stronger than you.

    This one has passed me.

    3. When your girlfriend catches you in bed with her sister so you vex till she apologizes for coming home too early.

    Next time call before you come home.

    4. When you see your girlfriend you’ve cheated on 70 times shaking her male co-worker’s hand.

    These women ain’t loyal.

    5. When your girlfriend is bringing up marriage after just 7 years, so you dump her.

    Impatient woman.

    6. When you see your ex being happy and fulfilled without you in her life.

    See me see trouble.

    7. When your girlfriend accuses you of cheating but you’ve been faithful for 2 whole days.

    With all my effort?

    8. When you realize you have finally fallen in love.

    Hay God!

    9. When you see a babe you like and she is telling you she is married like that one is your business.

    Is that what I asked you?

    10. How you use N200 credit to call the 27 women in your life:

    As a professional.

    11. You, trying to deceive all your side chicks that your heart belongs to them.

    Only you baby.

    12. When you hear one of your 26 side chicks is leaving you to get married.

    The pain.

  • 1. The common entrance book of life:

    Ugo C. Ugo for the win.

    2. When your school forces everyone to do mock exams to prepare.

    Don’t add to my stress.

    3. When your parents force you to attend one local common entrance lesson:

    What is all this?

    4. When you ask your parents for a new math set and they start asking you JAMB questions.

    “What about the one we bought for you 4 years ago?”

    5. How you look at Primary 4 students that want to follow you and do common entrance too:

    Wait your turn biko.

    6. You, jacking the Friday before your common entrance like:

    Secondary school is my portion.

    7. How you see the maths and quantitative common entrance questions:

    Wetin be dis?

    8. You, waking up on the Saturday of common entrance like:

    The day has arrived.

    9. You, looking for your friends when you get to your common entrance centre:

    Where are my people?

    10. How you stroll into your centre with 12 extra pencils and 10 biros:

    My body is ready.

    11. When you see them repeat questions you crammed in your Ugo C. Ugo.

    WINNING!

    12. You, when the invigilator starts dictating answers for some of the students.

    Ah! Is it like that?

    13. You, waiting for your parents to come and pick you from the centre when it’s over:

    I want to go oh.

    14. When your result finally comes out and you passed the cut-off mark.

    YES LORD!

    15. Your face, when you remember you still have interviews to do:

    Hay God! It’s not over.

  • 1. When your mother sees you resting and lets you be.

    https://twitter.com/chidimma_rita/status/744634407739228161?lang=en

    2. When your mother actually gives you a straight answer.

    3. When your father gets the remote by himself.

    https://twitter.com/VixenKouture/status/744645076048056320

    4. When your parents support your non-medical profession.

    5. When there’s no ‘African time’ at play.

    https://twitter.com/l0velystephey_/status/744667899483152386

    6. When your parents actually do a chore by themselves.

    7. When you don’t have to wash plates.

    https://twitter.com/callmeminxiemay/status/744625285220417536

    8. When the oyinbo teacher actually gets your name right.

    https://twitter.com/Allison__OG/status/744655741047345152

    9. When the girl vomiting in the Nollywood movie just has malaria.

    10. When your parents don’t shout at the top of their lungs.

    https://twitter.com/tribe_zuzu/status/744689868706570240

    11. When the person you parents call your aunty is actually your aunty.

    12. When your parents actually like the person you’re dating.

    https://twitter.com/callmeminxiemay/status/744626838727757826

    13. When your parents don’t think your left hand is of the devil.

    14. When your parents don’t compare you to your classmate with 2 heads.

    This is post is brought to you by MAGGI @ 50:

    The big idea for the MAGGI 50th anniversary campaign is: Let’s Celebrate. We intend to do this primarily by sending gift boxes containing specially curated ingredients and gifts to women influencers pan Nigeria & beyond for trusting MAGGI in the past years, and in the future ahead. Click the link below to learn more.

  • 1. When you are broke:

    2. This subtle shade at igbo names:

    3. The fear of MOPOL:

    4. The Nigerian “wrong number” epidemic:

    https://twitter.com/PRINCE_VIII/status/704048196167868416

    6. This Christmas curve:

    https://twitter.com/Lamide_/status/674390895186329600

    7. The real use of Nigerian ovens:

    8. Flavour’s accurate new name:

    9. This valid concern:

    10. This tweet about the “giant of Africa”:

    11. This perfect Nigerianism:

    https://twitter.com/Adeola_Cule/status/761107613291388929

    12. This tweet about 50 cent:

    https://twitter.com/BrianJDennis/status/761475614415159296

    13. This tweet that is as funny as it is sad:

    14. This tweet about traffic in Nigeria:

    15. When your boyfriend is an enemy of progress:

    https://twitter.com/tolaakinn/status/756512035672821760

    16. This I-Just-Got-Back’s story:

    https://twitter.com/Ralph_Lewis/status/241160101002637312

    17. This tweet about Caitlyn Jenner:

    https://twitter.com/IBRAHEEYM/status/751831152315490304