Blessing Onyelobi, Author at Zikoko!

It’s all fun and liberated hoeing until you catch a background infection with no cure or you fall pregnant with a bank account still on life support. Fun fact; according to WHO 1 million sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are acquired every single day worldwide. This means every time you have unprotected sex you are basically auditioning to join the statistics of people who just got infected. Ok, now that your attention has been successfully acquired here’s your way out;

1. Protection.

Protect yourself, protect yourself, protect yourself. With sexually active people there are two teams. People in team A who practice safe sex and always use protection. In return they get to live a life free of any form of STI’s and their attendant discomforts like itching, abdominal pain, holes in their pockets from STI treatments and all of that. And then there are the people in Team B. They hold on to silly philosophies like “you can’t eat a banana with the back on” while auditioning for “Mr Raw” status. You know it almost always ends in tears for them.

2. Routine STD tests.

Just like your genotype and blood group, you need to be aware and up to date on your STI status. Especially because some of them can be asymptomatic, but as always the earlier you start treatment the better for you.

3. Birth Control.

Except of course you are ready to start contributing to the next generation. And PS? Pulling out is not birth control. The adult and reliable thing to do is to talk to your doctor about the best birth control options suitable for you. A bag full of Postinor is also not birth control dear. Postinor is the back up plan, not the plan.

PS: You can get an STI from oral sex so free advice? Before you go down on them, be sure you won’t be coming back with a nasty souvenir.

While you are here we would like a review of our “What She Said” Series. Be a darling and drop it HERE please.
As the lock down continues everyday style has understandably become over sized tees over shorts. Maybe a crop top over joggers if you’re feeling a bit funky. You have a wardrobe full of slay but nowhere to slay the slay to. While we go lax on our clothes, our hair however needs a tad more attention. Being the thoughtful friends we are, we have highlighted 5 very easy ways you can take care of your hair during a lock down.

1. Wash your hair regularly.

Even while indoors you need to keep your hair clean. Dirty hair is never comfortable. And dirty hair is bad for your hair. So once every week, grab your bottle of shampoo and give your hair a proper wash.

2. Moisturize your hair.

Moisturizing the hair keeps it healthy, soft and makes it easier for you to style. It’s another quick thing you can do to take care of your hair while we all self isolate.

3. Put your hair in neat cornrows

Cornrows are easily the go to style now. They are easy to make and you can have them on for at least a week. You let your scalp breath and if you want to glam all you have to do is throw on a wig.

4. Wear a hair bonnet to sleep.

To keep all the oils in your hair away from your pillowcase and your face. Also to keep the moisture trapped in your hair.

5. Cut it if this all sounds like too much stress to undergo in the middle of a pandemic.

And to be honest, no will hold it against you. We are all too busy trying to survive this COVID-19 phase.

While you are here, we would love your feedback on our “What She Said Series”. Be a darling and leave it HERE please.
Ending a relationship is one thing, but moving on from it is like on the next page. Sometimes you get so caught up in the hurt that moving on starts seeming impossible. We’re here to help you get past this tough phase. Here are 10 fun ways to get over your Nigerian ex boyfriend.

1. Kindly ask him to return your mumu button.

Chances are that he would not, maybe because he has misplaced it or he sold it to buy sharwama. In the event of that keep reading, we’ll get you through this one way or another.

2. Don’t ignore the hurt.

And don’t tell yourself you should not be feeling hurt. Your feelings are valid. Feel the pain, but don’t let it make you bitter.

3. Reach out to your girlfriends.

Now is the time to call in your girl squad and have some fun with them. You need your support system around you and chilling with your favorite girls will do the trick.

4. Keep your self busy.

Find something fun to keep yourself busy with. It could be a new hobby like going to the gym, learning a skill you have always been interested in or just pouring yourself into work.

5. Mute or Block him.

If you can’t handle seeing him all over your timeline then by all means mute or block him. This is not you being petty, this is you putting your mental health first and acting in your best interest.

6. Return his stuff.

Yes boo. You need to give back all the mushy sentimental things you are holding on to. They will only remind you of him and make it harder for you to move on.

7. Binge watch old Nollywood movies with their ridiculous plot lines.

If not for anything, at least to get a good laugh.

8. Write about your feelings.

Writing about your feelings can be very therapeutic. It’s like giving yourself an outlet to vent and rant about how you are feeling and possibly make sense of it. You can get a journal if you want it to be private.

9. Have some Me time.

Now is the time to date yourself/hang out with yourself. The beautiful thing about being alone is that you get to spend time with yourself. You get to reflect about your life and the choices you make.

10. Give yourself time to heal.

zikoko- getting over your nigerian ex

It may take a little longer than the books say, but you will heal eventually. And this will be a phase you will look back on and probably even make jokes about. But for now, don’t put yourself on any timer.

While you are here, we would love a review of our “What She Said” column. Be a darling and leave it HERE.
While we are sorry that the relationship ended and left you with a broken heart, we are also interested in seeing you move on and glow sis. If you can relate to the signs you are not over your ex yet on this list then you need to put more effort into moving on. You’re allowed to mourn the end of a relationship but you shouldn’t put your life and happiness on hold because of it girl.

1. You keep stalking him on social media.

If you’re still significantly contributing to the profile views on his social media accounts then there’s a problem. You my dear, are slowly becoming the stalker ex girlfriend the movies talk about. And you need to stop before the embarrassing plot twist comes. For your own good.

2. You keep engineering accidental run-ins with him.

And it keeps getting awkward. You need to stop bumping into him too girl. At this point he can probably already tell that it is no longer coincidence.

3. You are almost always texting him.

…or even outrightly texting him. Both of which are unhealthy choices if you really want to move on with your life.

4. You keep wanting other men to be like him.

Because you have made him the bar. But he is not be the bar. You determine what or who the bar is. You need to take control of the narrative.

5. Everything reminds you of him.

And not in a good way. But rather in that deep melancholic my-life-is-in-ruins without him kind of way.

6. You are always talking about him.

You keep talking about him to anyone who cares to listen. So much that even friends who don’t really know him can write a full essay on him complete with an accurate picture of his personality.

7. You have decided to maintain beef with his new girl.

Even when she didn’t do anything to instigate it. You keep beefing his new girl for no reason other than that she replaced you. But she is not the problem dear, she is living her best life. The problem is that you somehow think she stole the key to yours. But she didn’t.

While you are here would love some feedback on our “What She Said” series. Please be a darling and drop it HERE.
It is indeed sad that even in this day and age the Nigerian society still holds onto archaic notions about women. People still reference the silliest stereotypes about women, most of which are rooted misogyny. In this year of our Lord, 2020, and it is time for these ridiculous Nigerian stereotypes about women to die.

1. “Women are their own enemies.”

This would have been true if it wasn’t so ridiculous. Going by this logic every Nigerian woman hates every Nigerian woman. But in reality Nigerian women are collaborating together to start companies, run businesses, form supportive girl squads and change the narrative. The gaslighting this this stereotype is simply trite.

2. “Women are weak.”

You must not be acquainted with the fact that women as breadwinners in Nigerian families is on the fast rise. Women are holding down jobs while juggling other side hustles and raising children but somehow “weak” is still considered the right adjective?

3. “Women need men to make money.”

Wait, people actually believe this? They must have not heard of the 23 year old woman chilling with a 300k/Month salary, or the 28 year old female IT expert grinding 960k/month. Oh did we forget to mention the 27 year old woman slaying her 10 million naira yearly savings target? You need to get up to speed, stop slowing us down.

4. “Women are jealous in nature.”

Jealousy is a human trait sufficiently present in both genders. That’s why some men still consider “seeing you with him made me jealous” a cute thing to say. It’s not cute bruh.

5. “Women cannot play politics.”

A cursory google search will get you a long list of Nigerian women killing it in politics. But we’ll do you one and mention 2 of them here; Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala and Oby Ezekwesili. Google really is your friend.

6. “Women should get married in their 20s if not there is a problem.”

Pele o, accurate time keeper. What else do you want us to do before we hit 30? Cook a maximum of 1357 times? Invent 56 indigenous recipes? Talk to us, we brought our jotters.

7. “Women don’t know what they want.”

Ok, we are going to need the source for the research that deemed clarity a function of gender. Please use the 7th edition of APA with your reference. Thank you.

8. “Women who wear anklets are ashawos.”

The idea that an accessory is an accurate indication of anything other than the wearer’s style is simply ridiculous. You must have stumbled into 2020 by mistake so we’re going to wave you bye as you find your way back to 1816 where you belong. Bye!

9. “Women are too emotional.”

We’re the emotional ones but we’re not the ones devoting years of loyalty to football clubs that consistently disappoint. What is the logic behind football fanship? Yes, we know why you are still an Arsenal fan because the first jersey your grandpa bought for you was an Arsenal Jersey.

10. “Women spend too much.”

And men exist on nothing and indulge in nothing? Before you answer, keep in mind that PS4 comes with a 6 figure bill and we have receipts.

While you are here we need your review of our “What she said” series. Please be a darling and leave it here.
There’s a lot of mystery surrounding why women cheat in relationships. To help broaden humanity’s scope of knowledge we decided to conduct a study using the most logical tool of all time- by simple asking the subjects.

And here’s what 7 women told us about why they cheated.

Lilian, 23: “I wanted something different”.

I just wanted something different. I was already dating my current boyfriend for a while and but we slipped into a routine that was beginning to bore me. I just wanted a different kind of sex I guess, and attention.

Jennifer, 26: “I did it to get back at my boyfriend“.

I’m not proud of it. But I did it to get back at my boyfriend because he was cheating too. And the sex turned out to be so good I couldn’t stop.

Jasmine, 25: “I just wanted to”.

I just wanted to, probably me being adventurous. But it did not end in praise sha.

Ivie, 29: “I stopped investing in one person”.

I cheat all the time because I stopped investing all my emotions in one person. It always ends in heartbreak, so why not catch fun.

Ada, 26: “I wanted to be spoiled”.

I wanted to be spoiled. My boyfriend at the time knew nothing about making a women feel special. But I loved him because he was smart and ambitious. Although sometimes it felt like he was numb to my emotions. Then I met someone else who was willing to give me the baby girl treatment. Of course I was not going to deny myself the pleasure.

Ij, 22: “Distance was taking a toll on me”.

Distance was taking a toll on me so I just found myself doing it. But i stopped before it ruined my relationship. Besides, long distance relationships are too stressful. And it hits harder if the relationship did not start as one.

Hi there, we need your review of our What She Said column. Be a darling and drop it here please.
“Why are you single” seems to be the new million dollar question for busy bodies and lifestyle detectives in Nigeria. Because silly questions deserve equally silly answers we’ve coined 5 bomb responses you can easily reach for the next time anybody asks you.

Why are you single? – Because nobody is worthy.

Yasssss, there’s a geng named “too fab for commitment” and I hold chair lady position so go figure.

Jesus is the only man for me.

Jesus is the only man I need. And I hope you know he sacrificed his life for me so our bond is pretty tight.

I am actually waiting in line for your boo. So let me know when it’s over.

This is for the people in relationships who keep badgering you about your single status. This response will put an end to their badgering and most likely your friendship with them too. Which would probably be a good deal.

Oops, nobody told me it was against the law to be single.

People be acting like staying single is a known way to break the law. Well i’m single so sue me.

Why are you so obsessed with me? Don’t you have a life to live? What’s the obsession with mine about?

For the nosy people who have a trouble with minding their own business.

My soulmate is still stuck in traffic somewhere in the world. I was even planning on borrowing yours while i wait.

I actually ordered for a boyfriend but the package is still in quarantine. Which store did you get yours from?

Since silly questions are now the order of the day.

While you’re still here we need you feedback on our “What she said” pieces. We know you love them and we would love a review from you. Click here.
Granted, dating is the most complicated adult game invented. Yes, there’s chess and 3D chess but trust me when it comes to unnecessarily confounding technicalities, plot twists and plot turns dating easily takes the lead.

Owing to this fact naturally people would seek dating advice from supposed experts and rule books. We understand that, but we also need you to know that as you take in advice there are 4 sources you should not consider.

1. Romantic Novels

Romantic novels are for teenagers who want to get unsupervised insight into adult romance. Not adults who need guidance on building a relationship. When you become an adult you realize that they are a scam. Every male protagonist is the same man with a different name and hair color. And the female protagonists are all the same with different hair and eye colors. So predictable.

2. Nollywood Movies

The world is moving on and becoming more progressive but Nollywood is still consistently and diligently dishes out story lines steeped in archaic gender profiles. If you’re going to date in 2020, you need references from a source whose source is not the 1800’s.

3. Hollywood Movies

Hollywood might be more socially advanced, but they are too dramatic. Love at first sight, one soulmate per person and the relationship arch where they almost break up but one last dramatic gesture saves the day only belong in movies. Best believe; real life hits differently, taking dating advice from hollywood would be a recipe for disaster.

4. Zee World

Hollywood might be dramatic but you see Zeeworld? The dictionary won’t tell you but they are the reason the word “dramatic” was coined. The overstating of the obvious, the needless slow motion breaks and the ridiculous story lines should be enough of a warning.

While you are here we would like you to know what you think of our “What She Said Series“. Be nice and drop your review here.
As a grown adult woman there are a lot of awkward scenarios you would have to wade through on your path to becoming. One of such is introducing your boyfriend to your parents. The stricter the parents the more awkward and delicate the entire thing becomes.

Here is our guide to helping you slay this feat.

1. Consult your family’s constitution to make sure you are of the right age

First of all you need to make sure that it is the right time to take this step as dictated by the rules of engagement in your home or better put- the constitution guiding your house. Just so we’re on the same page, this constitution is the one signed by your father, co-signed by your mother and strictly revered by you and your siblings.

2. Then make sure your Boyfriends is ready to be introduced

This is the part where you start double checking to make sure you are not dating yourself. Ask him if he is ready for this yet. Don’t ambush your boyfriend into it or trick him into it. This has to be a scene he walks clear headed into.

3. Tell your sister/ any sibling first

Because she is your first team member in the house. You get bonus tips if she has done it before if not you will still need the moral support. She’ll be there to jump in when conversations get awkward or the silence gets awkward or anything gets awkward.

4. Chip it to the parent you are closest to first

This is for extra moral support and to have them relay the news to the other parent.

5. Give your boyfriend a mini lecture on your family so he comes prepared.

You need to give him a mental tour of how your family works. Think of it as giving him a heads up as to what to expect and a lecture on topics to avoid.

6. Wear your Sunday best

Yes, you need all the right impressions you can make. A good choice would be an outfit that expresses the home training your parents deposited in you. This is the time to wear what your dad would have picked and accessorize it the way your mum always wishes you would. Hopefully that looks good too.

7. Prep your family on what to expect first

Give your family a little background about him like where he is from, what he does for a living, what he looks like, what you love about him and all the good things about your relationship. This will also make the conversations they have with him less of an interrogation and more of an interaction because they’ll already know a bit about him.

8. Send us a mail about how it went

Yes girl! Let us know how it went down. It’s only fair seeing as we helped you work through it. Send a mail to Blessing@bigcabal.com to give us the tea.

Have you read what 9 women told us about dating Yoruba Demons? You absolutely should. Please let us know your review here.
Self-isolating sounds a lot like the opposite of anybody’s best life. How can back to back hanging out with your furniture and window be a best life. It is ridiculously painful, we know. But guess what? There’s a method to these things and we’ve devised one to get you living your best life even while self-isolating from COVID-19.

Grab a pen because you are about to get schooled.

Stock Up On Your Faves

First you need to make sure that your quarantine buddies are all your favs. Especially favorite food. If you’re going to be stuck indoors for a while, it only makes sense that you get stuck with things you actually love. Secure the food yo!

Back Up Your Electricity

By now you must already know that NEPA lives to disappoint. Come through for yourself with your generator. Make sure it is in good shape so that nothing spoils your groove. Then get a big keg and fill it up enough fuel.

Block False News Carriers on Social Media

This is for your own sanity dear. You can’t be living your best life if you keep getting minor heart attacks courtesy of fake alarms from false news casters online.

Subscribe to Zikoko

Yasssss, subscribe and sit back as we keep you informed and entertained. We have the latest updates on COVID-19 too so it’s a total win-win for you. You can also watch our Youtube videos and follow us on social media (Facebook and Instagram) @zikokomag so you don’t miss out on all the fun we’re spreading this period.

Create Your Jamming Playlist

This play list will come through for you when you get bored and just want to dance. Or twerk. Or do both. Think of it as your personalized DJ.

Read a Nice Book

Books are like movies you can watch without a television or electricity. Pretty genius if you ask me. And you probably need to give your eyes a break from all the screen time.

Stay in Touch With Friends and Family

Don’t forget to check up on your friends and family while you’re at it. Now is the time to respond to your mother’s Whatsapp broadcast messages. Just so you’re sure she is also up to date with the latest news on COVID-19

Exercise while indoors

You need to stay active and keep your body in good shape too. At least once a day do some activity like push ups, skipping or even dancing. Dancing is a fun way to exercise. See why you need that playlist?

And while you stay home in comfort and safety, Guardian has put together a useful resource on Coronavirus in Nigeria. Click here to get the latest COVID-19 information in Nigeria.

1. Protection.

2. Routine STD tests.

3. Birth Control.

1. Wash your hair regularly.

2. Moisturize your hair.

3. Put your hair in neat cornrows

4. Wear a hair bonnet to sleep.

5. Cut it if this all sounds like too much stress to undergo in the middle of a pandemic.

1. Kindly ask him to return your mumu button.

2. Don’t ignore the hurt.

3. Reach out to your girlfriends.

4. Keep your self busy.

5. Mute or Block him.

6. Return his stuff.

7. Binge watch old Nollywood movies with their ridiculous plot lines.

8. Write about your feelings.

9. Have some Me time.

10. Give yourself time to heal.

1. You keep stalking him on social media.

2. You keep engineering accidental run-ins with him.

3. You are almost always texting him.

4. You keep wanting other men to be like him.

5. Everything reminds you of him.

6. You are always talking about him.

7. You have decided to maintain beef with his new girl.

1. “Women are their own enemies.”

2. “Women are weak.”

3. “Women need men to make money.”

4. “Women are jealous in nature.”

5. “Women cannot play politics.”

6. “Women should get married in their 20s if not there is a problem.”

7. “Women don’t know what they want.”

8. “Women who wear anklets are ashawos.”

9. “Women are too emotional.”

10. “Women spend too much.”

Lilian, 23: “I wanted something different”.

Jennifer, 26: “I did it to get back at my boyfriend“.

Jasmine, 25: “I just wanted to”.

Ivie, 29: “I stopped investing in one person”.

Ada, 26: “I wanted to be spoiled”.

Ij, 22: “Distance was taking a toll on me”.

Why are you single? – Because nobody is worthy.

Jesus is the only man for me.

I am actually waiting in line for your boo. So let me know when it’s over.

Oops, nobody told me it was against the law to be single.

Why are you so obsessed with me? Don’t you have a life to live? What’s the obsession with mine about?

My soulmate is still stuck in traffic somewhere in the world. I was even planning on borrowing yours while i wait.

I actually ordered for a boyfriend but the package is still in quarantine. Which store did you get yours from?

1. Romantic Novels

2. Nollywood Movies

3. Hollywood Movies

4. Zee World

1. Consult your family’s constitution to make sure you are of the right age

2. Then make sure your Boyfriends is ready to be introduced

3. Tell your sister/ any sibling first

4. Chip it to the parent you are closest to first

5. Give your boyfriend a mini lecture on your family so he comes prepared.

6. Wear your Sunday best

7. Prep your family on what to expect first

8. Send us a mail about how it went

Stock Up On Your Faves

Back Up Your Electricity

Block False News Carriers on Social Media

Subscribe to Zikoko

Create Your Jamming Playlist

Read a Nice Book

Stay in Touch With Friends and Family

Exercise while indoors