Blessing Onyelobi, Author at Zikoko!

Relationships do not begin and end with cute couple pictures hashtagged relationship goals branded with deep cute captions on instagram. No dear, it is deeper than that. Which is why committing yourself into one should not be done for the wrong reasons. Before you commit someone’s child and start reciting “I love you more”, be sure you are actually ready for that commitment.

1. You haven’t gotten over your last relationship yet.

If you’re still hung up on your ex then what you need is this zikoko guide to getting over him. Not a new relationship. Getting into a new relationship while still mourning your last one is classic very easily predictable a recipe for disaster.

2. You don’t compromise easily.

Which in itself is a great thing. But in a relationship, not so much. You need to be open to hearing your partner’s perspective and finding a way to merge both for the greater good of the relationship. A relationship involves two people and a lot of compromising.

3. You don’t like sharing your space.

The max you can go with sharing a space with other people is 24 hours. After that you start contemplating throwing them out the window because their breathing suddenly becomes too loud. If this is you then you’re not ready for a relationship quite yet. People in relationships tend to spend a lot of time in each other’s space. A lot. Like a lot.

4. You are only getting into the relationship because you are bored.

Wrong move. It will end in tears dear. If you’re bored start binge watching a series on Netflix. Or rewatch our blind date series. A relationship is not the cure to boredom. That’s like going for surgery when good old panadol can take your pain away. Again, it will end in plenty tears dear.

5. You are getting into the relationship because everyone else you know is in a relationship too.

And they won’t shut up about it. But still, a relationship is not like a bag that you get because all your friends got one and you all need to post a squad goals picture with it. Take a chill pill and come down from that bandwagon you want to ride dear. Then mute your friends so you will hear word.

Then take this quiz to figure out why you are still single.

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Apparently there is a method to Nigerian relationships. We noticed it like we notice everything and we made a list to share this discovery with you.

Meet the 5 major stages of Nigerian relationships;

1. The honeymoon phase.

This is when you both just started dating and you still can’t get enough of each other. You talk all day and video call all night while still texting each other in between. You spend 2 hours apart and it’s all “I missed you” when you see again (*insert eye roll plix*). This is basically the time and part where you just annoy everybody.

2. The cute social media announcement.

Then comes the cute social media update. You finally found love and you must let your virtual friends and followers know because why? Because pepperdem! Plus in the guide to being a millennial a social media announcement is an important relationship level to unlock. Plus you also want to let your ex know you’ve moved on- pepperdem.

3. The first fight.

And then comes the first big fight. And sometimes an ex even makes a cameo appearance to make things more complicated. The opening statement is usually “Who is she?”. This is also usually when the first red flag comes up but the bliss of the honeymoon phase will not let you see road. If you look well enough (as you should be doing) you would see that this fight tells you a lot about your partner too. Like where are all these insults coming from? I thought you said I was perfect.

4. Then shit gets real.

At this point romance gives way to reality. Shit gets real and the reality of the heavy weight commitment that a relationship demands comes into play. For some people the weight becomes too much and they cave in to it. Thus bringing an abrupt end to the forever they promised each other.

5. The comes the Bloom.

This is when the relationship survives all the initial gragra and grows into something you are both now comfortable and happy with. When it becomes less about the sex and more about the time you spend with each other. And even more importantly- you both now know each other. This is where the real relationship starts.

Do you think we skipped a stage? Drop it in the comment section.

Meanwhile, if you want to know why you are still single this ingenious quiz will tell you why. You’re welcome.

Click here for happy thoughts.
We’ve been watching Hollywood movies for years now and there is no doubting that they are entertaining. But they have also been taking us for a ride and we think it’s time to call them out.

Here’s a list of 5 things Hollywood movies have been lying about for a while now.

1. People taking bullets for other people.

And they do it in split seconds. But in real life nobody wants to die so just like you I am wondering where they got this very selfless idea from.

2. Bullets never hitting the target.

Case in point James Bond. Cats may have 9 lives but James Bond is actually immune to death. 10 supposedly well trained men chasing and shooting after him but somehow he dodges every single bullet. We stopped buying this magic show in primary 5.

3. Working all night and still killing the presentation the next morning at work.

No boo, don’t be fooled. In real life this ends in tears because you will first wake up by 10; 25 am. And spend 30 mins in traffic so that by the time you get to the office the meeting for presentation would have ended and worst case scenario you would have a query sitting pretty for you.

4. Waking up with your eyebrows still in line.

Another lie, this never happens. Sleeping is like wrestling with your pillow so there’s no way you’ll emerge a battlefield with your brows the way you drew them. We know these actresses be wearing makeup just when they wake up.

5. Glorious sex scenes.

Sex is always ends in a glorious mutual orgasm? Let’s be realistic please. And we actually have a list of 7 ways movies have lied to us about sex.

Which lie did we miss? Drop it in the comments.

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The fact that Zeeworld actually has loyal fans keeps me up at night wondering 3 things- “How”, “Why” and “Why” again. Anyways, I am more than just a hater, i am the most dangerous type of hater. A hater with a comprehensive list.

Here’s a list of the most annoying things about Zeeworld;

1. Unnecessarily long and descriptive dialogue.

“Look the baby is crying, she is crying because her mother is not with her. Oh what a sad world where mother’s no longer stay with their children to hold them and comfort them. What kind of mother goes out without her child? Huh? You tell me. What kind of mother behaves this way?”. Normal people would pick up the baby and make a mental note to have a word with the mother later but no, not the people in Zeeworld. The scriptwriters make it a point to have the actors explain the story even as we watch it. But why?

2. Clichéd storylines.

It always boils down to the beautiful love story that the parents are against. Although to be honest 3 more scenes and you will most likely take the parents side. Like don’t you have a job to get to? Or is falling in love the entire KPI of their existence?

3. Lip syncing.

Yes we can tell the actors are not the ones saying those English words. And it’s disconcerting when the lip movement doesn’t match the words. It really is.

4. Robotic acting.

Of course this list would be very incomplete if we didn’t give a shout out to the perfectly lifeless robotic acting the actors always deliver. My church drama department could do better.

5. Stupid plot twists.

Just when you think the conflict is about to be resolved, a new villain emerges and our pretty heroine falls for another stupid gimmick. We also want to use this opportunity to tell Mehek that the fastest way to reach Shaurya is to call him on the phone. We know you both have phones so why are you always confused when you want to reach him? Seriously, why?

6. And how come the family is always rich but they never go to work?

Another mystery. Somehow these families always have enough money to throw on expensive clothing, matching jewelry and host mega parties. And yet they never go to work. But where is all the money coming from?

7. Forced suspense.

Someone needs to tell their production team that zooming and awkward pauses does not suspense make.

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As the world continues to fight COVID-19 and implement new routines to curb its spread we on the other hand are learning more about ourselves. Here’s a list of 7 ingenious things COVID-19 has taught Nigerians;

1. There are lot of dirty people among us.

Proven by the fact that before this pandemic hit, bath time was the only time people actually washed their hands. And don’t even get us started on the special demographic of people that no longer bath since they won’t be leaving their houses.

2. There’s a lot about our planet that we still don’t know yet.

We are in 2020 and no one knew about COVID-19 until just last year. Anyone else wondering what else lies in the unknown? 5 months later and we still don’t know a cure or vaccine yet.

3. Health workers are the real heroes.

Of course by now you must already know this. They are the ones at the forefront of this war against COVID-19, showing up daily and working round the clock to keep people safe and treat infected patients.

4. We need to stop eating in the rubbish.

There’s a reason “edible” is a word. First the Ebola Virus, and now this new Coronavirus. The message is clear, stop eating in the nonsense please.

5. Healthcare is the most important sector.

Barely 4 months into the fight against COVID-19 and health care systems around the world are already overwhelmed. If we had pumped more into the healthcare sector we would be more equipped against this virus.

6. A lot of people are willing to believe anything and everything.

Ergo; 5G conspiracy theorists, whatsapp broadcasts envoys, social media people constantly talking in the nonsense about further nonsense.

7. Men can actually live without sports.

Of course we noticed that it’s almost been 3 months without sports and there has been no single report of a fatal case of Sports Withdrawal Syndrome. Who would have thought people could go 3 months without starting another Messi/Ronaldo debate?

What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!
Much like Yoruba men, Igbo men have built a reputation in the Nigerian dating scene. But because we like to bring you only original and unfiltered gist we decided to ask some women who have dated Igbo men and here’s what they told us;

Ogonna, 26- He believed money could solve every problem.

They are mostly core traditional men and our values conflicted. One believed that money could solve every problem, so he could stand you up, send you money and expect the money to give you amnesia. They think there’s something wrong with showing emotions, so they don’t want to bother you with their struggles because you may think them weak.

Vivian, 27 – It was so good I ended up marrying him.

It was so good I ended up marrying him and I have never had a reason to question the decision. I know Igbo men have a reputation for being controlling and all but I think it’s a function of tribe. Generalisations are silly.

Nelly, 23 – Things changed when i started earning more than him.

He was a great guy and the relationship was one of my best at first. But things started to take a sour turn when I started earning more than him. I guess he felt threatened in some way.

Ivie, 30 – It was not pleasant.

It was not pleasant, as an Edo woman, they always came up with the excuse of tribe. Dated one for 6 years and his mother disapproved and that was the end.

Dora, 25 – He couldn’t overcome his sexist ways.

I’ve dated five Igbo men. Three were great. The other two were assholes. The last one was the sweetest. He was huge and confident, unafraid to show his love for me in public. Always wanted to go out. He cooked for me, bought me gifts, pulled up to take me for drives around town. We had the hottest public sex then. It had to end however because he couldn’t overcome his sexist ways even though he was better without them. I guess that’s something the next generation of Igbo men need help with.

Chiamaka, 26 – They treated me like I was a baby.

They treated me like I was a baby literally. Maybe cos they were always 10 years older. So, it was a nice time. Still is.

Chidera, 25- The best boyfriend I ever had was Igbo.

The best boyfriend I ever had was Igbo. He was a good guy. Genuinely cared about me and everything I was doing. Wanted to know how I was faring and what I was up to with my career. It’s the best relationship I ever had.

Hi there, while you are here we would love a review of our “What She Said” series. Let us know what you think so we can bring you juicier content. Be a darling and drop it HERE please.
While we are all self isolating and practicing social distancing it’s important that we still stay in touch with the people in our lives. Even if you can not see your friends physically, there are tons of ways you can still show love while social distancing. Here are six of them;

1. Check on your friends regularly.

But don’t say, “So you forgot me” – we’re all too old for that. And don’t forward a Whatsapp BC either, nobody likes that. And when the chat starts don’t reply paragraph’s with “Ks”.

2. Send them hilarious videos or memes you find on the internet.

Honestly, we need all the laughs we can get. And nothing bonds people like humour does. Passing along funny content is a great way to show love while social distancing.

3. Send them money.

Because money solves a lot of problems, for example food and data. So if you can afford it, by all means go ahead.

4. Ask them if they’ve eaten.

Because you care, not because you don’t know how else to start a chat.

5. Insult them or call them big head.

Because somehow “big head” has been elevated to the status of cute, accepted and popular term of endearment for Nigerians.

6. Host virtual meetups – zoom parties, house party, skype, etc.

If you’re staying with your family for the lock down your parents may or may not make unwanted cameo appearances and embarrass you.

What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!
Apparently going on a date is not always the perfect romantic exercise the movies have lead us to believe. We asked eight women about their worst dates and some answers sounded like a badly written scene from a low budget romantic comedy.

Alex, 30 – This man took be to a bar!

My worst date was when the man took me to a bar! A bar oh! I got all dressed up and wore heels to be taken to a date at a bar! I didn’t realize that was what he had in mind the whole time. He just drove us to the bar with a silly grin plastered on his face. I sha just went along with it but blocked him afterwards. I was looking forward to champagne and I got shots on shots instead. Affliction shall not rise again.

Nonye, 25 – All he talked about was himself.

We were at the restaurant for 3 hours and all he talked about was himself. I felt like I was attending a class and not actually having a conversation. Like watching a badly scripted reality TV show.

Kehinde, 27- He invited his ex to join us.

We ran into his ex and the man actually invited her to join us. Said I was just a friend.

Precious, 23- He kept touching me.

He picked the right spot, the food was great, the ambience was perfect but I just wasn’t feeling it. He just wasn’t my type. Plus he kept touching me even when he saw it was making me uncomfortable. I don’t even know why I agreed to go on the date with him.

Lilian, 31- The venue was his low budget house.

He said we were going to the movies. The movies turned out to be his one bedroom apartment, his 4 year old HP laptop and some tacky weed. I have suffered in this life sha. One look at the bedroom and I booked me an Uber home. I know I was bored. But not that bored. I’m still waiting for his twitter call out because he seems like the type.

Jasmine, 24- He came with his friends.

I thought we were going to have something intimate with just me and him and some romantic pledges. But he showed up with one of his friends and 1 hour into the date another friend joined him. Why do guys do stuff like that? Apparently it wasn’t a date, it was a hangout. And to think I wore 6 inch Nine West heels for this man. The was definitely the worst date.

Dora, 26- He stood me up.

The man stood me up. 3 times! Why did I keep falling for it? One question I keep asking myself. Later found out he actually has a girlfriend.

Ada, 24- It was a blind date.

It was a blind date, saw the guy for the first time and was disappointed asf.

Did you relate to any experience on the list? Or do you have more tea to spill? Send a mail to blessing@bigcabal.com if you do and we’ll get right to it

Hi there, while you are here we would love a review of our “What She Said” series. Let us know what you think so we can bring you juicier content. Be a darling and drop it HERE please.
One of the things you realize when you start living on your own is that figuring out what to eat is as much a chore as actually making it. But we’re here with a simple list to make it easier for you during this lock down. Here are 8 simple Nigerian breakfast ideas to try while you self isolate.

1. Good old bread and tea.

Easy to make, no more than 5 minutes spent in the kitchen while at it.

2. Because bread goes with anything, bread and egg.

With tea on the side of course.

3. Okay so there’s no bread in the supermarket close to you, don’t panic yet, try pancakes.

Especially if you are self isolating with your partner and want to give them a breakfast in bed treat.

4. Plantain and egg.

It looks complicated but it’s not. The hot oil does half the job for you. Of course you have to be attentive to be sure it doesn’t become an overkill.

5. Garri for the culture.

Another effortless very Nigerian breakfast choice.

6. If you’re a man or woman of culture, eat your swallow in the morning.

Sure it would knock you out but who cares.

7. Pap.

And because we are not trying to start another custard VS pap debate, we will simply put custard as the next item on the list.

8. Custard.

And here’s pretty custard on the list. But seriously, how is there even a debate between these two? One is clearly outside the other’s league. No, don’t answer that. We are not trying to start a debate remember?

While you are here we have a list of 4 Nigerian shows on Netflix you can binge on during this lock down.

What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!
Have you ended a relationship before? Do you wish you did it better or are you proud of the way you handled it? We asked 12 women how they ended theirs and here’s what they told us;

Jane, 24 – I Updated My Facebook Status.

I wrote a long-ass Facebook post about being single. He called immediately he saw it, but I didn’t pick. I blocked him afterwards. I know you think I am a demon, but he deserved worse. That relationship was a nightmare and that’s all I’ll say.

Jenny, 23 – I Made Him Do It.

I made him do it. I cheated and told him about it, so he would be the one to end it. In my defence, the relationship had been dead for a while, but I didn’t want to be the one to say, “It’s over”.

Ada, 26 – Sent a Text.

I sent him a text message that I could not continue. He did not reply, so I guess I was speaking for both of us.

Kelly, 26 – I Sent a text and blocked his number.

He was a good guy, but he had ego issues. We would go out for dates and he would pick spots without my consideration, especially since I stay on the mainland and he is on the island.

He just didn’t think he did anything wrong with all the crazy behaviour he sometimes exhibited, so I just ghosted on him during one of his work trips. Sent a text and blocked his number.

Sharon, 30 – Told Him To His Face.

I told him to his face we should break up.

Yvonne, 25 – I Called Him and Told Him.

I called him and told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t tell him to his face because he wasn’t in the same state as I was at the time.

Nene, 26 – Told Him During a Phone Call.

We were talking on the phone and I was like, “You know what? Just fuck it.” Then, I hung up. Seconds later, I sent a text saying it was better we just went back to being friends since the relationship thing wasn’t working anymore.

Ifeoma, 27- I Told Him I Was Done.

I was done, I told him I was done and that was it. I blocked him everywhere he could possibly contact me (this helps me move on more quickly).

Chrissy, 23 – I Don’t Think It Should Be Through a Text.

I’ve always ended all my relationships myself. Felt like a stone-cold bitch saying that. LOL. It was always through a phone call — I’ve never done it through a text. I always believe they should be said not sent as a text message.

Oluchi, 22- I Started Avoiding His Calls.

Confronted him with his flaws that I couldn’t deal with again and then started avoiding his calls and stopped texting back.

Steph, 23 – I Just Quietly Back Out.

Called them out on their BS and watched how they react, then slowly and quietly back out. Never really said, “it’s over”.

While you are here, we would love a review of our “What She Said” series. Be a darling and drop it HERE please.

1. You haven’t gotten over your last relationship yet.

2. You don’t compromise easily.

3. You don’t like sharing your space.

4. You are only getting into the relationship because you are bored.

5. You are getting into the relationship because everyone else you know is in a relationship too.

1. The honeymoon phase.

2. The cute social media announcement.

3. The first fight.

4. Then shit gets real.

5. The comes the Bloom.

1. People taking bullets for other people.

2. Bullets never hitting the target.

3. Working all night and still killing the presentation the next morning at work.

4. Waking up with your eyebrows still in line.

5. Glorious sex scenes.

1. Unnecessarily long and descriptive dialogue.

2. Clichéd storylines.

3. Lip syncing.

4. Robotic acting.

5. Stupid plot twists.

6. And how come the family is always rich but they never go to work?

7. Forced suspense.

1. There are lot of dirty people among us.

2. There’s a lot about our planet that we still don’t know yet.

3. Health workers are the real heroes.

4. We need to stop eating in the rubbish.

5. Healthcare is the most important sector.

6. A lot of people are willing to believe anything and everything.

7. Men can actually live without sports.

Ogonna, 26- He believed money could solve every problem.

Vivian, 27 – It was so good I ended up marrying him.

Nelly, 23 – Things changed when i started earning more than him.

Ivie, 30 – It was not pleasant.

Dora, 25 – He couldn’t overcome his sexist ways.

Chiamaka, 26 – They treated me like I was a baby.

Chidera, 25- The best boyfriend I ever had was Igbo.

1. Check on your friends regularly.

2. Send them hilarious videos or memes you find on the internet.

3. Send them money.

4. Ask them if they’ve eaten.

5. Insult them or call them big head.

6. Host virtual meetups – zoom parties, house party, skype, etc.

Alex, 30 – This man took be to a bar!

Nonye, 25 – All he talked about was himself.

Kehinde, 27- He invited his ex to join us.

Precious, 23- He kept touching me.

Lilian, 31- The venue was his low budget house.

Jasmine, 24- He came with his friends.

Dora, 26- He stood me up.

Ada, 24- It was a blind date.

1. Good old bread and tea.

2. Because bread goes with anything, bread and egg.

3. Okay so there’s no bread in the supermarket close to you, don’t panic yet, try pancakes.

4. Plantain and egg.

5. Garri for the culture.

6. If you’re a man or woman of culture, eat your swallow in the morning.

7. Pap.

8. Custard.

Jane, 24 – I Updated My Facebook Status.

Jenny, 23 – I Made Him Do It.

Ada, 26 – Sent a Text.

Kelly, 26 – I Sent a text and blocked his number.

Sharon, 30 – Told Him To His Face.

Yvonne, 25 – I Called Him and Told Him.

Nene, 26 – Told Him During a Phone Call.

Ifeoma, 27- I Told Him I Was Done.

Chrissy, 23 – I Don’t Think It Should Be Through a Text.

Oluchi, 22- I Started Avoiding His Calls.

Steph, 23 – I Just Quietly Back Out.