You’ve heard the term “work bestie”, and you want to take it a step further because nothing can stand in the way of your crushing — not even HR.
There are some things to consider before potentially wasting your feelings though:
Do they have sense?
How can you start mentally planning your wedding colours only to find out that they think semo is elite? Or that they think agege bread is overrated? The horror.
Are they actually attractive or are you just bored at work?
Let’s face it — anyone that says “I think we should wrap up” during a three-hour-long Zoom meeting is bound to look like a genius. Do your due diligence.
What could possibly attract you to someone that uses jargon like “circle back” or “run up the flagpole”. What happened to normal English?
Can you fight?
You’ll likely not be the only person crushing on your crush. They might even have crushers outside work. We ask again, “can you fight?”
Do they hit “reply all” to every email?
Will you honestly be proud to associate yourself with the person that keeps every other recipient of one email in an endless loop of notifications? We think tf not.
Do they like Mondays?
We don’t need to tell you that they aren’t normal. It’s obvious. But if they like Wednesdays? Run o!
Do you really want to date someone where you work?
Let’s not even get into how messy it can get. Imagine getting into a fight and then having to sit with them at work for eight hours.
Will they get you in trouble?
Scenes where you’re trying to share your screen in a meeting and accidentally share your folder full of your crush’s pictures. LMAO
How chaotic would Zikoko on TikTok be? Follow us to find out!
The workplace is a mixture of the most annoying people you’ll find. Which one are you? Take this quiz and we’ll tell you:
Office romance is a thing in every workplace, whether HR likes it or not. It’s very normal to have one or three office crushes. But when the person you like is your boss, that’s a whole different conversation.
Just in case you’re not sure, these are the signs that you’re in love with your boss.
You’re always excited to be at work
When other people are grumbling and complaining about having to be at work, you’re excited. Only you will be smiling on a Monday morning at the office, and it’s definitely not because you love your job.
You’re always the first to arrive
Work resumes at 9 a.m., but you’re there by 6:30. What time do you even wake up? When do you leave the house? You’ll tell your colleagues it’s because you’re trying to avoid rush-hour traffic, but you and I know the actual truth.
You find yourself doing things outside of your job description
You’re in HR but doing sales work because your boss needs someone to attend to a client immediately, and for some reason, you thought you were that person. Better go back to facing the staff you’re supposed to be taking care of.
Once it’s Friday, you’re sad because you have to spend two days away from your crush, and you’re not sure you can survive that. Working during the weekends isn’t a problem for you as long as your boss is also there.
You almost die when you get compliments from your boss
Small “Well done, Samuel. You did a good job,” your chest is beating fast, and you’re smiling from one end of your face to the other. You’re very close to calling your family and friends to tell them what happened as if you just won an award.
Nothing is better than having them come over to explain things to you
You didn’t really need help with how to create a folder on Google Docs. But anything to get your boss to come over and speak with you.
Salary isn’t your favourite thing about work
Getting paid your salary isn’t the major thing you look forward to. Neither is it the work culture of the place. If they ask you, you’d say it’s the people at work. To be specific, one particular person, the person who pays your salary.
You laugh a little louder at your boss’s jokes
The joke they made wasn’t that funny. Even your boss is finding it weird that you’re laughing so much. Your thirst is showing, relax.
You spend a lot more time getting ready for work
It’s not because you genuinely care about your appearance or you’re trying to look good to feel good. You decide to get a nicer haircut or wear the longer bone straight because you’re hoping a certain someone will notice you at work.
What to do now that you’ve realised you’re in love with your boss:
Give yourself a dirty slap
That slap is to reset factory settings. You’ve clearly lost focus as to the reason why you’re working.
Resign
If you truly cannot get over your oga, then resign. Because, whether you like it or not, nothing can happen between you and your boss. You can’t have any other relationship with them aside from a professional one (for many many reasons). So just do yourself a favour and leave that place.
Having a Gen Z coworker can be very fun when they like you. When they don’t, it’s more hostile than living with Nigerian parents. Here are 9 signs that your Gen Z coworker likes you… as friends.
1. They send you memes or TikToks
If your Gen Z coworker sends you memes or funny TikTok videos, you’ve made it. You’re alright, not necessarily cool, but alright.
2. They have called you bestie once
This is one of the highest levels of respect a Gen Z coworker can give you. Don’t try saying it back though, you might sound sus.
3. They are comfortable making millennial jokes with you
The thing with millennials is, they can have a mean temper. If your Gen Z coworker is comfortable making millennial jokes with you, it’s because they are sure you know it’s good-natured fun.
4. They let you follow them on social media
Gen Z’s are very pro setting boundaries, especially in the workspace. If they let you follow them on social media, they like you, they’d also be impressed that you could find them easily.
5. They might make you a playlist
If they make you a playlist or recommend songs to you, they either think your taste in music slaps, or they want to make your taste in music better. Either way, it means they like you.
6. They give you advice based on your zodiac sign
Gen Z only gives a shit about the zodiac signs of people they care about. If they give you zodiac compatibility advice or send you weekly zodiac sign predictions, you’ve made it.
7. They let you use Gen Z slang without mocking you
One thing Gen Z won’t do is be a gatekeeper, especially not for slang. You’re just less likely to get mocked for using the slang wrong if they like you.
8. They check in on you
This is the final boss that shows that your Gen Z coworker likes you. They care about mental health, a lot. If they regularly check on your mental health, they care about you and want you to be fine.
9. They let you give them advice
Gen Z’s are very sure of what they want, believe in and want to do. If you find yourself being asked for advice by your Gen Z coworker, it means they rate you, congratulations.
There are many different kinds of employees. Which one are you?
There’s only one thing more painful than stubbing your little on the sharp edge of furniture – watching other people take credit for something you worked really hard for. I spoke to four Nigerians who recount their experiences under glory-thieving bosses. Here’s what they had to say.
Tola
I was an assistant producer working on two weekly shows and reporting to two producers at a popular TV station. While my job was only to write the show and supervise the production, I ended up doing both of the producers’ jobs. I decided the direction of the shows and even identified the guests to be invited. I did this every week. Sometimes, I’d sacrifice my weekends to cover events as favours to my bosses, but when it was time for the after-parties and dinners, they’d take the passes and ask me to leave. I worked on an in-depth documentary where I risked my life and spent days in the slum to produce it. My boss applied for a journalism award with that documentary. I just couldn’t bring myself to be happy for her because it was my hard work that won that award.
It made me feel used, and feelings of resentment grew. I understood that they were my bosses but I didn’t quite understand why they couldn’t be fine with taking credit for supervising the process? Why make it look like you did all the work? I was also worried that I would seem unproductive to HR during appraisals since my bosses were claiming to do all my work. They never gave me credit. They would even make up stories about how the idea for the stories came to them in a moment of epiphany. When cash rewards were given for really good stories, the bosses will give me a part of it in private but nobody would ever say, “It was Tola who put it together.” It was a very frustrating time of my life.
Onyela
I am part of the digital team as a content/social media executive. When my team reduced from three to two people, most of the workload fell on me. My team lead was shoddy and never did his job, leaving me to do all the team’s work. Last week, I got feedback from a client to my lead that they were impressed with the LinkedIn captions I came up with and told my team lead to “take a bow.” I was furious. I had to prove to my other colleagues that I actually wrote the captions for the client. My team lead still takes credit for all the team’s work, which I’m responsible for. He earns what I’d call an “armed robber’s salary” while I earn a paltry 100k before tax and pension. I’m hurt and very tired.
Damisi
This topic just reminds me of the time I used to freelance for a popular newspaper while I was a student in Ife. I was writing articles about school-related stuff until I decided to write a long feature article about the glut of private universities and the problems they might pose. I sent it to my usual editor in the newspaper, only for me to find out he had published it in his own name. I never wrote another article for that publication.
Alice
My job description began from one role and has now gone up to about five roles in one. Last year, a fraction of the company staff left at the same time last year, so most of the company’s work was left to me. At the end of the year, I failed to get a bonus like everyone else. When I asked why the CEO said he couldn’t see anything I had achieved that year. He introduced new vague parameters for measuring performance such as ethical values, transparency, etc. When I asked how he measured these parameters, he couldn’t answer. I didn’t get a bonus for last year, despite single-handedly raising the customer satisfaction index from 90% in 2019 to 96.4% in 2020.
This year, a new boss took over. Recently, I discovered that every sale in the company earns a commission and that my new boss has been taking all my commission. The bulk of commissions came to about N270,000. I tacitly asked him about the commissions, hoping he’d feel ashamed and give me the N70,000 on top. Instead, he gave me 10k and called it “pocket money.” To date, he still hasn’t made any sales of his own. I’ve been asking for a raise for a while now but he keeps saying he’s in talks with the CEO. How could he ask the CEO for his commissions but not for my raise, despite the fact that I made most of the company’s sales?
Working in Nigeria is the ghetto. No shade to my boss. Last week, I asked Nigerian women to tell me the worst things they have experienced working in Nigeria. Here’s what eight of them had to say.
Jumoke, 25
My former boss used to gaslight me, to the extent that I began to doubt my sanity. She would call at odd hours of the night to either brainstorm or give me instructions. During general meetings, she would deny the conversations.
One time, she told us we had to incorporate one of our client’s companies to avoid paying tax. I spoke to my friend to help us with it. I communicated the charges to my boss when she called and she agreed. My friend started the process. A few days later, she asked what’s up and I told her where we were at. She denied agreeing to the amount and asked to halt the process so her lawyer who she was paying more would do it instead. I had to pay my friend with my money. I felt like I was crazy.
Kachi, 25
I worked in a liberal space with a boss I assumed wasn’t homophobic — I didn’t know I was the token gay hire who was filling a diversity role. Whenever I tried to contribute, she would make demeaning jokes but she would always try to include me when sexual topics are being discussed. It never made sense to me that she would ignore my work input but include me in conversations about orgies. For my birthday, she got me a strap, which was the weirdest thing ever and then when I got a new job, she called my new boss to out me as a lesbian and lie about my character.
Temi, 22
Because I am fat, they complain at my office that I don’t dress corporate enough but I wear the same type of clothes my female colleagues — button-down shirts or blouses with skirts. My male boss often calls my outfits inappropriate and questions what I eat while I am in the office. Not just him — my other colleagues as well. If I have breakfast and lunch at the office or I opt to eat a burger instead of a whole meal, they would ask me if I am not fat enough. I am legit scared of eating at work.
Sunshine, 23
I worked for this life coach who used to make us dance every morning to ‘Better When I’m Dancin’ by Meghan Trainor every morning. She said it was supposed to get us hyped for work. I hate the idea of it because I believe that I should be hyped for work without being forced so I quit after three days. The song was on a loop in my head for weeks after I left.
Oby, 26
The first red flag was that they interviewed me for the role of a growth manager and I got the job. In the offer letter, they were offered the position of the Director of Growth. It was strange to me. It wasn’t like I couldn’t do the job — I did something similar at my old office. It’s just that I had planned to do less work because I was tired but I still wanted to earn income. These people didn’t change the pay but gave me more work. I complained and they said when the business picks up, more people will join my team.
In the first month, they slashed my salary by 50% due to Coronavirus — I never earned the salary of a director throughout my stay there. It was hell. We used to have zoom meetings every day till like 9 pm, even on Sundays. I was always so tired.
One time I fell sick. I suspected it was COVID-19 so I told my boss. He expressed sympathy and connected me with his doctor. The next day, he hit me up with a task expected to be delivered before the close of business that day. That was the last straw for me. As soon as I received my salary for that month — because they were always late — I sent in my resignation letter.
Blessing, 22
I work as an On-Air Personality. Every query I have gotten is about my dressing which I find nothing wrong in but the mindset of people working in my office is archaic.
One time, the Chief Financial Officer sent me home because I was wearing a crop top. He told me to change or not come back to work. I changed but by the time I returned to the office, it was too late to anchor a program. I try to keep a low profile but that day I heard them refer to me as a Marlian.
Adesuwa, 25
I used to work at this law firm, where a man was the principal partner and his wife was the managing partner. Around the time I got the job, the principal partner won an important prize and the managing partner sent a message to the office WhatsApp group inviting us for a party at their residence.
When I got there, some of my colleagues were seated outside at the table with other guests. As they were about to serve my colleagues food, the managing partner ordered them to get up and help the ushers out. She asked how they could eat when her guests had not eaten. I saw my colleagues serve the other guests drinks and direct other esteemed guests to their seats. One of the associate partners came to tell us how she had been putting in work in the kitchen. She was sweating so much. I couldn’t understand it — this was supposed to be one of the top law firms in the country. I knew I couldn’t stay there for long.
Vowhero, 26
At the place I did my NYSC, there was this woman always saying I was rude and I didn’t know how to greet my elders. In my mind, I was like, will I roll on the floor for you?
One day, I went to my boss’s office to collect a file for a client. When this woman entered the room, I greeted her. Next thing, she told me to shut up that I am very rude and have no respect. She called me a fool, an idiot with no home training. She kept following me around, calling me names. I cried that day. Later she came to apologise but I had lost the opportunity of being retained.
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How good are you at balancing work with other aspects of life? We’ll tell you in this quiz.
Sign-offs are the core of every work email. There’s no reason why it should be boring. Which one is “Best regards” or “Yours sincerely”? Where’s the spice in that?
Read this to make your work experience more interesting.
You can use this when your team lead has emailed you like ten times in one day. You too are someone’s child, abeg.
2. I said what I said
This one is for when your coworker forwards an email back to you and asks if it’s for them. You don’t even need to write anything in the body of the email, just sign-off with this.
3. Yours vaccinatedly
Honestly, it’s a thing of pride that you’ve gotten the vaccine and why shouldn’t everyone know? You’re doing your part as a good citizen to encourage people to get the vaccine.
This one should always be used as an insult. There are no two ways tbh, especially when someone sends you a mail in the middle of the night. Something must be doing them.
5. You know the vibe
This sign-off should be used on Fridays only because it means don’t text me again, my weekend has started.
6. E go be
If you use this, you are telling them that if they reply to that email they’re on their own because they will be aired.
7. Reply if you’re bad
This is a nicer way of saying e go be. They’ll waste so much time wondering if they’re bad and before they know, it’s close of business.
This is clearly a threat because why are you bringing spiritual forces into human matters? Use at your discretion.
9. Gbogbo wa la ma je breakfast
This is for when you get fired for signing off with all these. The least you can do is end it with a bang. As it has come for you in the morning, it will come for them in the evening.
If you are an introvert who would rather exist in isolation if you can help it, you know things get real for you a lot of time. But only a few things come close to when you have to start a new job and go into an unfamiliar territory. Do the following scenarios sound familiar to you?
The dread you feel the on the day before your first day
https://gph.is/g/aXx7nna
You like the promise your new job holds, but that also means a new space and new people to get used to. The anxiousness that starts on the eve of your first day can really be overwhelming.
You try to avoid everybody on your first day
https://gph.is/g/aXYpnRA
You’re the new kid on the block, so naturally, everyone wants to be nice to you. But all you want to do is to be as invisible as much as you can, so you try to avoid all contact and just bury yourself in the work.
You run off to the toilet every time you need a break
http://gph.is/2HDe9OJ
No one is really bothering you, but you feel their gazes on you. The clicking sound of keyboards and overlapping conversations is getting too much for you too, so you bolt to the bathroom to get your shit together. It really doesn’t work, but you have to try.
The horror you feel when you have to introduce yourself to your new co-workers
http://gph.is/1J5WLNK
New kid on the block duties means you have to let your new colleagues know who you are. You can manage if you have to do it on an inter-personal basis, but the amount of mental energy that goes into preparing for this if you have to stand in the middle of the office and introduce yourself is really exhausting.
You try your best to fit in ASAP so they wouldn’t think you are fake
You feel like they are giving you or your existence much thought, and you would really hate to the guy everyone thinks is the proud, fake co-worker, so you put on your best act to be as natural as much as possible, which is pretty exhausting and futile. You fit in eventually, but it’s a slow, agonising process.
You overthink every word you say every time you have to speak
Collaboration matters a lot in a workspace. You would prefer to be the resident mute, but you have to talk to people sometimes. You think about every single word you utter moments before you say them, and you think about them hours later, hoping they came out in the way you’d hoped.
We were all a little mad when we were younger.
How else do you explain girls between the ages of 9-13, actively anticipating a river of blood coursing out of their bodies for days on end? I remember feeling downright robbed, but having to fake excitement when everyone else got their first period.
When mine finally came, I only half-heard what my mother said about being responsible now that my ‘menses’ had started. I was already happily three-tap texting the news to my friends on my little Nokia 6230i.
These days, the only thing I feel when my period arrives is dread
When I get that first tell-tale pimple or crink in my back, I take 5 minutes to seriously consider getting pregnant – just so I don’t have to bother with my period for 9 months.
But then I remember my very Nigerian, very Yoruba mother and I’m forced to await my punishment for being a responsible, celibate adult – pretty much. Most times, it feels like my period is looking for the most innovative way to off me, trying out a different pain metric every month until it finds the one. Seeing as women have on average 500 periods in a lifetime, I need to survive about 360 murder attempts till I’m off the hook.
Great.
Periods have always been tough for me.
I remember a dreary day when I had to get my Bencher’s Form signed (a requirement to write the Nigerian Bar Exam). It felt like someone had shackled an anchor to my hip-bone, just so they could intermittently practise puppetry with my insides. All pain meds refused to stay down and I remained affixed to the floor. That floor was a toilet’s – fervent diarrhoea and vomiting are just some of the goodies in my menstrual package.
Hours later, with the pain unrelenting, I was forced to drag myself — back pain, cold sweats, diarrhoea and nausea in tow, to get my form signed.
While my dramatic pain is symptomatic of dysmenorrhea – a condition affecting almost 72.5% of female students in Southern-Nigeria alone – another condition that is nothing but horror to live through while being on your period is endometriosis.
Endometriosis is a condition in which the tissue lining the uterus grows outside of it, resulting in terrible pain during periods, intercourse and in certain instances – infertility.
To get an idea of what the pain of endometriosis feels like, one woman described it saying: “it feels as if someone took a pickaxe to my uterus and is trying to break out”
With many women, pain during periods is the rule and not the exception.
It’s maddening how little talk there is about it. Not in the media — where the most period representation you’d get is a bunch of school-girls just frolicking in glee at the thought of their periods, merrily check-checking each other for stains.
And most certainly, not in the workplace.
I’d always wondered how to handle the monstrous duo of work and having periods thrown in the mix.
With secondary school, I’d always been able to contain the worst of my period pains by befriending the school nurse (she still sends me the best parental Whatsapp BCs) and turning the sick-bay into a second home of sorts. Uni, I could dip at the first sign of period troubles.
With work, there was no telling what would happen – there’s a whole other energy.
The whole purpose of your presence is productivity. Work in Nigeria involves people dodging queries and doing their best semblance of productivity while sneak-watching the fifth season of SGIT. It’s the last place you’d want to display weakness or vulnerability, even if it is beyond your control.
In the third month of my service year, I was attacked by the period Chimera.
I was having the worst cramps in recent memory, I had no painkillers and 0 pads on me. In my defence, my period was uncharacteristically late, so I thought the universe had done me a solid and skipped my period that month. I was wrong.
After twenty minutes of being doubled over and performing my usual period theatrics in the office toilet, my God-sent colleague brought back sufficient pads and painkillers to stave off an army.
While attempting to commiserate and drown out my groans, she told me of past period experiences around the office. There was the lady who slept in her car during lunch-break just so she’d have the opportunity to lay down. There were ones who had to make up family emergencies to leave work. And those who grudgingly told the truth in order to be excused from work. And though we laughed – or at least she laughed while I waited for the meds to kick in – I couldn’t help but consider the very bad hand women had been dealt.
Despite making a significant part of the nation’s workforce, no concessions are granted to women for their monthly dispositions. I’d be almost impossible to find an office that stocks up on pads and painkillers for women, yet every toilet has tissue paper and hand wash.
We’re guessing HR is yet to receive the 3000-year memo that women are susceptible to involuntary bleeding every month.
While I was all too eager to enjoy the trappings of being a Corps member, with more leniency allowed for missing work, my current full-employment prospects have me weighing my options
Do I ask for days off when my period strikes and risk being pegged dramatic (not that I’m too bothered by that)? Or do I go the way of my forebears, grinning and bearing the pain like many colleagues before me?
Times like these, I wish I were born in a country like Japan or even Zambia – where period leaves are called Mother’s Day.
While this is no sure fix-it for the woes women bear with menstruation and the workplace, at least they understand the import of a pain that has made me Google, at my worst; ‘how to perform a uterus autonomy’.
Back to pregnancy as a solution.
My friend – who read an early draft of this story – said to tell you that you can, in fact, get pregnant and still see your period.
So, there goes my plan –haemorrhaging away, like my next period.
