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So you finally found a way to get your work crush to promote you from colleague to work wife/husband, but like a typical Oliver Twist, you want more.

TBH, I’m not judging. Anyone can catch feelings. Obviously, you have, and now, you want to leave the work-bae zone. Let me help you.

Find them on social media

Many people block their coworkers on social media, so you’ll have to put on your best Fashola Holmes impression. If that fails, find a way to get them to give you their WhatsApp number, then send them memes every day. They’ll fall in love with how funny you are.

Buy them food

Food is the way to everyone’s heart. But don’t buy them food only at work. Invite them out.

Move in close to them

If they’re proving stubborn, get their house address from HR and move in right next to them. Now, you won’t just be in their faces from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. anymore.

Oh. Hi! Didn’t see you there

Make sure they see you everywhere

Since you now know their address, set up billboards with your face on them around the route they take to work daily. Buy them mugs with your face on them too. By the time they see you every day, the feelings will be activated.

Make their significant other disappear

Arrange for their partner to be kidnapped by ungun known men. Then be a shoulder to lean on when they cry to you about it at work. It’s the price to pay for love.

Or make the partner cheat

If you don’t want to go as far as kidnapping, find a way to make your work spouse’s partner cheat then show them the evidence. Of course, you’ll also be there to help them heal and forget the heartbreak.

Carry their picture to the mountain

If you’re religious, then you should know prayer works. Take their picture to a mountain, preferably in the dead of night with only a white wrapper around you. The white colour will catch the attention of the spirits, and they’ll answer you immediately.

Resign from your workplace

Maybe the reason they’ve not promoted you to actual spouse is simply because they don’t want to date their coworker. Resign and that problem is solved.

Or make them lose their job

The point is you won’t be working in the same place anymore. The end justifies the means.

NEXT READ: The 10 Times It’s Okay to Cry at Work
If you happened to stroll into football Twitter this past weekend, you’d know Mykhailo Mudryk went viral for his impressive €100 million (£88 million) Chelsea signing from Shakhtar Donetsk.

Another reason behind the plenty talk is Arsenal initially approached Mudryk’s club, Shakhtar, with £55 million, and then £62 million— the footballer had even accepted salary terms with the Gunners. But Chelsea swept in like a rich Nollywood sugar daddy, his club agreed, and the rest was history.

Sure, all the money isn’t going to him, but Mudryk accepted his club’s decision and chose money. I may not know much about football, but I’m proud that he did. To my fellow 9-5ers, here’s why you should do as Mudryk did and always choose money.

Account balances don’t recognise passion

If it’s not the work of your village people, why would you have passion for a job that pays you ₦30k?

It’s better to cry inside AC

Every job will stress you. It’s better to cry inside an air-conditioned office and clean your tears with dollar bills than to motivate yourself with, “I love my job”.

RELATED: Believing in Dream Jobs Is a Capitalist Trap

Your coworkers don’t like you like that

You think your team is your “family”, but even your work spouse would leave you in an instant if another job promises to 2x their salary. Don’t play yourself.

Neither does your boss

Especially if they always motivate the team to “believe in the collective dream”. Let someone else shove money in their face first.

The economy is economying

Everything is expensive. The noodles you bought for ₦100 yesterday can be ₦500 tomorrow. Do you get where I’m going with this?

Bad bitches are rich bitches

How do you want to reach the full extent of your bad bitchery with only ₦5k in your account two days after payday?

Don’t you want to be a baller?

Because why are you even choosing anything over money?

NEXT READ: Now That You Have Money, Do These Things to Stay Humble
Unfortunately for you, work has resumed. Since you can’t manufacture a public holiday, it’s time to do the job you’re paid to do.

God, abeg

But how do you work when every cell in your body either wants to rewind time so it’s December again, or fast-forward it to payday? Just use these tips.

Start counting the days

Anytime you get tired of work, remember you’re a few more hours closer to salary day.

Throw in pointless office lingo

Because what says performance-driven employee like throwing words like “bandwidth”, “circle back” or “drill down”? It doesn’t even need to relate to the subject matter. Just say it so it sounds like your mind is on your job.

Look serious

Even though you aren’t currently doing anything, everyone will think you’re brainstorming the next big idea.

Blame MTN and their cohorts

I’m not saying you should use bad internet as an excuse for not doing your work o. But it’s not within your control, abi?

Set up meetings

You don’t even need an agenda. Everyone knows most meetings are just a waste of time. You can even say the purpose is for everyone to share what they learnt during the holidays. That should knock at least two hours off the day.

Just look busy

If you need to @channel on Slack for no reason, or walk up and down your office to look busy, just do it. Others may call it eye service, but you’re just protecting your job.

Remember the state of your account balance

Can you really afford to leave your job? We’ll leave you to answer that yourself.

Beg God to let you blow this year

At the end of the day, who even likes working? Just blow so you can tell your oga to eat their job.

NEXT READ: How to Play Nigerian Office Politics and Win
If you haven’t noticed already, typical Nigerian offices are mini Nigerian governments — everyone’s trying their darnedest to be the top players of the game.

To play office politics and win, you need a particular set of skills, and we’ve got you.

Embrace passive-aggressiveness

God forbid you’re upset and are actually upfront about it. You want to lose your job? It doesn’t matter if Amaka asks you for a document you’ve already sent 200 times before, or your oga keeps fixing pointless meetings. Hug passive-aggressiveness. It’ll save you.

Just smile

Especially if you have nothing to be happy about. Do you want to be accused of having “low energy”?

Do oversabi once in a while

Forget whatever you believe. Eye service is very important in a Nigerian workplace. How else do you want to show you carry the work on your head?

Learn to keep quiet

You want to be visible, not known as the office “radio without battery”.

…and mind your business

Don’t go about announcing how you saw oga looking for ants inside his secretary’s mouth, or how Banke was watching “Blood and Water” with office WiFi.

But not all the time sha

Not when you need people to know you helped oga prepare the presentation everyone’s raving about. Blow other people’s trumpet too. Everyone likes whoever makes them feel good.

It’s all in the balance

Be serious, but not too serious. Your boss needs to know you’re working, but your colleagues shouldn’t hate you for being too excellent. Figure it out.

Keep your personality at home

If you’re an introvert, better borrow a sprinkle of extraversion when it’s time for work. If you’re an extrovert, learn to hold your mouth small. You don’t want your superiors to think you’re hoarding the spotlight.

And finally, don’t care about money

Because aren’t you working because of “passion”? Don’t join others to agitate for a salary increase. Even if you get promoted, don’t even mention salary. Use the “employee of the year” award you’ll get after following these rules to buy bread at the market.

NEXT READ: 8 Ways Working in Local Government is Better Than Tech
Are you guys closing with immediate effect? Would you even be closing at all? Take the quiz to find out.
I’ve always wondered how fellow 9-5ers turned up on weeknights. How are you at the club on a Tuesday night? Don’t you have work the next day? I figured something must be giving them the special magic powers to get up to work the next day. After doing some research (LOL, please), I discovered these eight things they do to party on weeknights and still survive work the next day.

Give a sacrifice to the gods

First, you must appease the gods of turn-up so they can go easy on you. Take two boiled eggs, a bottle of whiskey and a tuber of yam to the entrance of Quilox, and leave them there. When you wake up the next day, you won’t even feel like anything happened the night before.

Drink 20k gallons of water

Okay, exaggerate much? Just drink as much water as you can while you’re partying. It’ll especially help with the hangover.

Quit your job

Just stop working entirely so you can party every day of the week and have nothing to worry about. Although I’m not sure how you plan to bankroll your partying without a job.

ALSO READ: The Zikoko Guide to Drinking at a Party

Maybe don’t party on a weeknight

Maybe wait till Friday and Saturday. But this life na one sha; we’re supposed to enjoy it as much as possible, so don’t listen to me.

Sleep and wake up two minutes before work resumes

So you can get in as much sleep as possible. This only works if you work from home sha. Sorry to you if you live in Lagos and have to be at the office.

Call in sick

And use the entire day to recover. I’m not encouraging you to lie o. But this can only work one or two times, so good luck.

Take *redacted*

Whatever ‘redacted’ is to you, take it.

Coffee

Coffee is the ultimate saviour of people’s jobs. A cup of coffee will help you get through the day after doing ijo laba laba and legwork all night.

But be careful because caffeine addiction is a serious thing.

ALSO READ: How to Throw a Chaotic Good Party, According to Chiby Iwobi
So, you just got a new job — or you’re considering accepting one — and you’re happy to finally get something to cushion the effects of poverty. Don’t get too excited. You need to watch out for these signs.

The office is at Ikeja

Ikeja is like the epicentre of Lagos hustle and scam activities. Remember Computer village and those fake job interview invites? Do we need to explain further?

HR is too motivational

“We’re all one big family here” or “We’re all rockstars”. Run for your life.

They have a banging social media page

You’d be trying to complete your one million deliverables when Oga sends a memo that every staff member should report to the conference room to do TikTok video. What if I don’t want to dance?

The office has a recreation area

They have a gaming area, and you aren’t scared? They’re indirectly telling you they’ll give you headaches that’ll make you avoid reality.

Office is at Lagos Island

They use fine office and aesthetics to cover up for the fact that they’re about to suck your blood.

You have too many Gen Z co-workers

Your biggest headache with them may be deciphering all the slang they use every day. Who sent you work?

Your co-workers are old people

These ones are just typical Nigerian parents raised to power infinity.

You don’t have a clear job description

If they say they want someone who can “hit the ground running” and “make things happen,” they want to stress you.

Your coworkers are too happy

It’s giving “smile through the pain”. Don’t fall for it.

They’re sad

This one is self-explanatory. Carry your mental health and run away.

NEXT READ: Kill It at Any Job Interview With These 8 Hacks
If there’s one thing that’s infinitely funny about workplaces, it’s how you can be a Gen Z leading a team of baby boomers and millennials. Like an unknown wise woman said, “Skill is seniority at work. Keep your age in your pocket.”

Asking for my age and subtly telling me I’m your last child’s agemate won’t stop me from responsibly delegating tasks as at and when due. You’ll do that work you’re getting paid to do ma🤭🤗
— Àtóké✨Big Smoke♨️ (@detoke__) October 5, 2022

Even if you aren’t currently in this situation, you may experience it one day, so you should prepare your mind for these things.

So, you just got a fantastic new job with a salary that looks like it can last two months

Finally securing the bag. Purrr.

Only for you to resume to see old faces everywhere

Wait first, these people look like they can give birth to me o.

You start getting used to calling them by name

Even though your Nigerian mother’s by-force home training makes you feel like you’re committing a sin.

You may be lucky to work with the cool ones…

The ones who are more interested in ensuring the work is done and couldn’t give a rat’s ass who’s older than who.

Or the ones who’ll carry it on their head

These ones will forever have a hard time understanding why oga is a “small child” and will try multiple ways to undermine you.

They’ll try the “I’ve been working for 20 years” card

Yes, we know you’ve been working here even before I was born, but kindly work on this task I’m delegating to you. You know, a job you’re being paid to do?

They’ll play the age card

Nobody:

Them: Oh, you’re 25? My last child is 27 years old.

How’s that my business?

They may try to teach you your work…

Sure, it’s great to learn from more… experienced colleagues, but there’s a reason you’ve been hired to bring innovative ideas. So, innovate.

Or they make you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing

Nobody:

Them: You want to cut down on hard copy reports? I hope this won’t lead to complicated processes sha.

But you should never doubt yourself

It’s very easy to develop imposter syndrome when you’re the youngest person on a team, or managing a bunch of older people. Don’t. You’re darn good at what you do, and don’t stop believing it.

NEXT READ: How to Kill It on Your First Day at a New Job
I love my job (don’t worry, I’m not being threatened to say this); it gives me the freedom to express myself and my creativity while also working with the best colleagues. But even as much as I love my job, I hate having to wake up every day to sit in front of a desk.

My company pays me to create funny, ridiculous TikToks — TikToks where I get to slander my colleagues — and I still hate working. I hate that enduring capitalism will be my life for the next 15 – 20 years. Doesn’t matter if it’s answering to an employer or working for myself. In an ideal world, I’d wake up every day and do whatever I want, whenever I wanted, without any financial pressure.

I asked the seven other young Nigerians how they felt about working. Their opinions:

Ibrahim*, 23, Writer and Content Creator

For some people, the fact that they have the opportunity to work is a blessing. Also, people say they hate work until they stop working. I know a few people who quit their jobs, and after a few months, they got bored. As for me, I hate work. I don’t want to work ever again in my life. I just want to have enough money to travel once in a while and live a happy life with my family.

ALSO READ: This Public Relations Writer Is Tired of Writing for Money — A Week in the Life

Adeola*, 24, Lawyer

Even if I liked painting. I would still hate waking up and picking up a brush to paint instead of watching series on Netflix.

Amanda*, 23, Banker

I love working. My dislike for work started when I began working a 9–5. Before then, I was making and selling different types of braided wigs, and I thoroughly enjoyed doing that. I don’t mind having a ton of work to do, as long as I get to do it on my own time. A 9–5 doesn’t give you that, and that’s the major problem I have with work.

Fred*, 26, Architect

What I hate about work mostly is the commute. The fact that I have to get up, leave my house and enter traffic every day makes me not want to work. Also, I hate work when it becomes monotonous and begins to feel like a chore. Other than that, I actually enjoy working.

Amina*, 28, Director, Writer and Producer

I don’t mind working, but does it have to be every day? I want to work when I feel like it. For me, that’s like twice a year; I spend six months writing a script and use the other six to shoot and edit. There’s a lot less pressure on me this way. The pressure is what I hate the most about working.

Nnamdi*, 35, Entrepreneur

Everything gets stressful to do at some point. Athletes have some days when they just don’t feel like playing. Artists sometimes hate that they have to perform, and even actors sometimes hate that they have to wake up early and go on set. You love it o, but some days, it’ll be wahala. The love for it is what keeps you going. But even sleeping can get stressful once it becomes a job.

ALSO READ: 9 Nigerians Talk About Being Overworked And Underpaid

Bob*, 22, Writer

Sometimes I like my job. Often enough to forget how much it sucks. But I hate the fact that I have to work. Knowing it’ll be my life for a couple more years is scary. It kills me that I’ll have to wake up every day before 8 a.m, and my life belongs to someone else until 6 p.m. I’ll always be tired, and it’s not going away anytime soon.

ALSO READ: 4 Ways To Achieve A Better Work-Life Balance

Debo*, 27, Writer

I hate my job. I genuinely do. Maybe it’s because I’m exhausted, but I don’t even care for what I do anymore. No matter how much you’re making or love your job, you’ll start to resent it if you don’t take breaks. It’s a “too much of a good thing turns into a major problem” kind of thing. We all just need to dissociate from work once in a while.

Next, read about how Young Nigerians Are Breaking the Monotony of Working From Home in 2022
In a patriarchal society, Nigerian women have to put up with things like being sidelined in government or being the subjects of tweets like this:

For those of you who find it hard to cook even at 3am for your man if need be. If you don't cook, another woman out there will wake up all night to cook that your husband you are doing shakara for and you'll have no choice than to share that husband of yours with her. O ri e a pe
— 👑 UncleRay♉️ 🐂 (@rayzor776) July 18, 2022

But we aren’t spared in the corporate world either. In this article, six Nigerian women tell us what it’s like to be female bosses in male-dominated offices:

“I have to work twice as hard to be taken seriously”

— Bella*, 42, real estate consultant

I own a real estate company, and if I got a dollar for every time I heard someone say, “A man must be bank-rolling her,” I’d be a billionaire now. If people paid more attention to making money for their children, maybe they wouldn’t be so quick to assume that everyone has to sleep with people to get wealth.

I’ve been in this business for close to eight years, and while it’s a lot better now, my earlier years were tough. I felt like people didn’t take me seriously, and I remember having to take a loan to buy a bigger car just so I could command respect when conducting site inspections. I’d be the first to get to work and the last to leave because I needed everyone to see how hard I worked.

But now? My achievements speak for me, and I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks.

“Stereotyping is so annoying”

— Dara*, 26, human resource lead

I lead my team at my workplace, and I’ve noticed that I need to pay special attention to treating people nicely just so I don’t fall into the “female bosses have wahala” stereotype.

I’m quite certain that my male colleagues don’t have to reread their emails five times before sending them to confirm that they don’t sound domineering. It’s a peculiar situation, but I’m happy to put in the work if it means that just one more person can attest to the fact that not all female team leads are out to stress you.

RELATED: Seven People Talk About the Nigerian Stereotypes They Face

“My imposter syndrome is worse”

— Kira*, 30, software engineer

Before I even started leading my team, there were multiple times when I questioned my abilities.

Imagine being the only woman in a department, in an organisation that has more women occupying the non-technical roles. Even though people treated me with respect, I subconsciously felt the need to prove that I deserved a place as “one of the boys”.

Now that I lead my team, I struggle to delegate tasks because I still feel the need to prove myself. It’s an internal struggle, but my team members are nice.

RELATED: Five Nigerian Women in Tech Talk About Why There Are Fewer Women in Tech

“They have no choice but to listen when I speak”

— Funmi*, 30, operations manager

I manage operations at a real estate firm, and it’s a very challenging environment. It’s been an interesting ride, but I’ve not had any issues relating to my gender.

I’m very much respected because I know my onions, and they have no choice but to listen when I speak. I don’t feel any special need to prove myself because I’m confident in the value that I bring. If any organisation moves mad, I can just move on to the next one.

“Funny enough, ladies are my problem”

— Tosin*, 35, creative producer

I work in media, and most of my team members are male. They’re cool for the most part, with the odd case of expecting me to take notes in meetings just because.

It’s the ladies that stress my life. I think most ladies don’t like working with female bosses because of this stereotype that we’re difficult to work with. So when deliverables are delayed, and I crack down on them, it’s almost like I’m reinforcing this stereotype, but they don’t see that it’s because they’re slacking.

“It’s great”

— Neema*, 29, finance professional

I’m just one of two female team leads out of seven in my organisation, but I wouldn’t say it’s due to sexism. It’s a startup, but the culture is great — I don’t feel disrespected or targeted because of my gender.

I once worked at an organisation where sexual harassment was rife, but I left immediately I noticed it. The people in my present company know they’ll lose their jobs if they even think about it.

I think it’s up to us as women to enforce a standard on how we want to be treated, or at least who we decide to work for. Companies also have a role to play in ensuring healthy work cultures for everyone, irrespective of gender.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity, and statements have been lightly edited for clarity.

READ ALSO: Six Women on the Burden of Being Breadwinners in Their Families