I’m not saying that I go to weddings because of food, but if there’s no food, I’m not going anywhere! If you’re someone like me, then I’m sure you’ve noticed these stages of getting food at Nigerian weddings.
Like, we all know that after small dancing, they will serve food. So tell me why you’re delaying my joy with your dance if you’re not wicked.
All of us have almost died, but you’re there doing shoki.
When they finally bring the food out, but keep skipping you.
Eskis me, sah. Am I invisible?
When the hunger gets too much, you just have to find the person that invited you.
See how your people are doing me. I’m hungry, epp.
When the waiter eventually heads your way to take your order.
Then comes back again and again… for the same order.
The same waiter comes back with a tray high above his head, and you’re excited for your food.
Only for him to lower it and give you water.
Then the gods finally smile on you and they bring you small chops.
Wawu… So I survived this torture?
Finally, they bring the jollof rice to your table.
By this time, you’re already shaking. And as your fate will have it, the plates finish before they reach you. You want to start shouting, but home training.
The waiter comes back with his tray, only to give you yam pottage and tell you that jollof rice has finished.
Whattt??? Jesus, is this a heart attack?
Have a wedding food nightmare story? Share with us, let’s laugh at you too!
Nigerian weddings are the best from the small chops to the outfits to the music, what’s not to love? Well, these ten things.
You’ll spend 4 hours in Lagos traffic trying to get to a wedding, you get there and they tell you food has finished.
Better bring out the small chops if you don’t want me to show my true colours
When your primary school friend’s sister’s cousin brings a bill for Aso-Ebi for her wedding
Where do I know you from, please?
When you get a wedding invitation for yet another Saturday you wanted to spend in your bed
Must you people marry sef?
When your friend brings the Aso-Ebi bill and it’s almost the same amount as your monthly salary
Are you trying to send me to an early grave
When after buying 50k Aso-Ebi the person serving small chops tries to walk past you
Do you think I’m here to play? Abi you thought the Aso-Ebi was free?
When they tell you that the wedding is strictly by invitation so you stroll in at 4 expecting to find a seat
It’s first come first serve my brother
How the bouncers block you if you make the mistake of coming without your invitation
Ahan it’s wedding now not Escape
When they tell you it’s a destination wedding after you’ve paid for the Aso-Ebi
Did I tell you I have money to go to Enugu, you want me to follow you to Seychelles??!!
When the couple tells you it’s just a small wedding so you keep it simple only for you to get to the wedding and it’s bigger than OLIC
So you people’s plan was to disgrace me
After buying Aso-Ebi and the souvenir doesn’t get to you
You people had better go and bring out my own bucket
While we are on the topic of weddings, do you think bride price is necessary?
1. The Food is INSANE!
FAM! I AM DROOLING!!!
2. The Dancing is LIT!
Konko Below!
Look at how much fun they’re having!
3. The Outfits are to DIE FOR!
So stylish!
4. The MCs are HILARIOUS!
Their job is to make sure your wedding is on point and they NEVER fail.
5. The Bridesmaids and Groomsmen are always dressed to SLAY!
6. Sometimes when there are white people there, you get to laugh at them as they try to mimic our cultural dances.
Work it Ladies!
It’s cute to watch them try. LOL
If you enjoyed this, read this next article that teaches you how to throw a proper Nigerian wedding.
So what if the girl had been in an accident when she was running? Or worse, developed a heart attack and actually died?
If it were us ehn, the kind beating we go hammer him ehn, his head will reset sharply!
Would you like this sort of proposal, though?
Guys, would you take a proposal this far?
1. When it’s a family wedding and your parents volunteer you for all these nonsense activities.
Who told you I want to be in charge of RSVP’s?
2. When you have to pay for aso ebi by force.
Especially if you don’t even like the couple like that!
3. When random family members start announcing “don’t worry it will soon be your turn”.
Thank you oh! Prophet of marriage!
4. When the caterers and waiters collude to frustrate you from getting the small chops and alcohol you deserve!
You people want all of us to be unfortunate here abi?
5. When the MC calls you out to catch the bouquet.
Is it by force? Or is there money inside?
6. When your ex is at the wedding and starts giving you “this could have been us but you’re an olodo” looks.
Better carry your eye from here please.
7. When the live band and DJ are competing and the whole place is just noisy.
You people please don’t burst my eardrums!
8. When you’re tired but the people you came with are still forming “I’m having fun” so you can’t leave.
Can’t you dance at home?
9. When people start introducing you to every Tom, Dick and Harry as though you are now a desperate person.
Please all of you should leave me alone!
10. When after all your dancing you don’t get sprayed up to 500 naira.
Is it because I’m not the person marrying?
1. When your friend starts crying over tablecloths and centrepieces.
Is this one normal?
2. When she chooses ugly bridesmaid dresses and expects you to pay for them.
Aunty you have lost your mind?
3. When she brings out diet and a menu for everyone months before her wedding.
What is all this one now?
4. When there is fight everyday in the bride and bridesmaids group chat.
Because of gown I am now being insulted!
5. When she tries to guilt trip you for not caring enough about her wedding.
Aunty bye bye please!
6. When she is fighting half of the vendors in Nigeria and expects you to help her sort it out.
No thank you. Fix your own mess.
7. When she starts using family members to harass you and your friends because of the wedding.
Association of wedding wahala!
8. When she thinks she can call you at any hour because everything is suddenly “urgent”.
This has now turned to a spiritual issue.
9. When you refuse to do something for her or are unable to, she looks at you like:
“You’re so selfish”.
10. When she starts dispensing relationship advice because she has a strong case of ‘I’m getting married syndrome’.
Keep quiet, please!
11. When the wedding is over and she comes back to her senses, you’re like:
God has finally brought her back to her senses!
12. But now another friend is planning her wedding so you are about to suffer all over again.
Stress!
These days, it appears couples are in a competition to have the most extra and oversabi wedding on earth, just check out these pre-wedding shoots and cakes.
1. It appears people have started losing their home-training o!
https://www.instagram.com/p/BKn6FI_D86m/
Their dance moves are not even fire.
2. This bride kuku turned her wedding into a Beyonce concert.
Na wa o! See how bored the groom looks.
3. These ones were just doing bad things up and down.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BKlbbtrDrRg/
Na wa!
4. This one is a club party o!
https://www.instagram.com/p/BJq-leijlOg/
See miming!
5. This couple that threw their home-training away.
