• Back in secondary school, people starved for months just so they could use their pocket money to buy stupid gifts (or stage elaborate gestures ) for their then significant others. Tell me. How did those relationships turn out? Do you even still remember their names?

    You didn’t expect to be shamed when you opened this article, did you? Well, sit back, relax, and grab a snack because there’s more on the way. Here are 5 valentine’s day gifts you most likely gave or received in secondary school.

    1) A Card

    Full of mushy heartfelt and sincere wishes written by some poor child in a Chinese sweatshop. All you did was write your name at the end and hope that the sentiments expressed in the card were enough to get you to second base.

    2) Flower

    SAMSUNG CSC

    Notice how I said “flower” and not “flowers?” That’s because they usually bought that single synthetic rose (you know the one) that smelled like camphor. Seriously, one strong sniff of those things was enough to instantly get you to Chernobyl-levels of cancer.

    3) Perfume

    Perfumes that were more water than fragrance and had the most insane packaging e.g. having the bottle be shaped like a woman striking a sexy pose and the cover be a giant flower, making the woman look like a distant relative of Toad from Super Mario.

    4) Love-shaped picture frame.

    The ones nobody could ever use because no photographer back in the day developed pictures that small.

    5) Teddy Bear

    They were hella cheap too so they always fell apart slowly over a couple of months like a poorly-built build-a-bear project. It was the thought that counted, though.

    #ICYMI: We made a new show named Blind Date in which we sent a bunch of single people on an all-expense-paid date, interviewing them before and after they met. The first episode drops February 14 (Valentine’s Day) on our YouTube channel.

  • Valentine’s Day is almost here, and there are only so many things that you could possibly do — from keeping yourself company to tensioning all your single friends with your love. So, we created a quiz that tells you exactly what that stressful day has in store for you.

    Take it to find out:


    #ICYMI: We made a new show named Blind Date in which we sent a bunch of single people on an all-expense-paid date, interviewing them before and after they met. The first episode drops February 14 (Valentine’s Day) on our YouTube channel.

  • So, Valentine’s day is here again and like last year, you’ll be spending it alone. Now, you might have the urge to spend the day by yourself in a dimly-lit room drinking cheap burn-a-hole-in-your-throat type of alcohol while thinking about the fact that you still haven’t found love at your big age, and that’s fine.

     

    But I have a better idea.

     

    Spend the day by yourself drinking cheap burn-a-hole-in-your-throat type of alcohol while thinking about the fact that you still haven’t found love at your big age, but this time IN PUBLIC!

     

    I even took the liberty of putting together a list of places.

    1. Quilox

    At Quilox, you can do your best Viola Davis crying impression in the middle of the dance floor and no one will notice you (or your snot) because they’ll be too busy dancing Zanku in a circle around you while intoxicated.

    2. Elegushi

    Cry as much as you want while swimming in the ocean. No one is going to ask why your eyes are red and swollen because they’ll assume it’s the effect of salt water. You might want to delay drinking till after the swim/cry session though because the last thing you want is to drown and get eaten by mermaids.

    3. The Giant APC Broom In Abuja

    This spot is perfect because seeing as you’ll be crying anyway, you might as well throw in a few extra tears for what the structure represents: the batshit crazy nature of our country’s politics.

    4. Church

    Preferably, a Pentecostal church. If anyone asks why you’re a blubbering mess of tears, blame it on the effects of the holy spirit going through you. If you decide to go with this option, get drunk before. Because hitting the bottle in church is generally frowned upon. 

    5. Computer Village

    All the people here are too busy trying to rob and/or scam you to worry about your sobbing so you’re good to go. Just keep your wits around you sha.

  • Valentine’s day is almost here and once again, you’ll be spending it alone. You’ll have to endure happy couples rubbing their joy in your face by holding hands and swapping saliva everywhere you go.

    Well, your boy is here for you with ways you can make it through this disgustingly cute holiday. Even though at this rate, you’ll most likely die alone at the age of 89 surrounded by the 600 cockroaches in your apartment.

    1. First things first:

    Call in sick to work so you can stay home. Go shopping.  Eat an entire cake (icing included) while watching every rom-com you can find on Netflix. Is it cliché? Yes. Will it feel good? Yes. Will all that cake icing and excessive spending set you up for mega diabetes and crushing debt in old age?

     

    You betcha.

    2. Think of all the money you won’t have to spend.

    At least you don’t have to buy flowers and gifts and edible underwear and handcuffs…

    3. Detoxify your space. And by that I mean block anybody who uploads boo’d up pictures on your timeline.

    Because, how fucking dare they?

    4. Do this.

    Self love, am I right?

    5. Be happy within yourself knowing that your relationship status doesn’t define you.

    Then immediately realize that that Cosmopolitan article was full of shit.

    6. Go out and ruin people’s relationships

    Go to a restaurant and walk up to a couple having dinner. Then do this:

     

    “So this is the reason you couldn’t spend today with me?! You’ll meet me and the kids at home!”

     

    Then storm off, leaving chaos in the air.

    7. Try your luck with Tinder

    Nope.

    8. Hit up your spiritual wife/husband.

    Demons need love too.

    9. Take solace in the fact that every happy couple’s Valentine’s day sex is going to suck and that all the unmarried ones will be hit with unwanted pregnancies.

    You’re not evil, you’re just bitter. There’s a difference.

  • 1. Kiss Daniel’s romantic ‘Duro’.

    2. Adekunle Gold and Simi’s mushy duet, ‘No Forget’.

    3. Banky W’s timeless jam, ‘Strong Ting’.

    4. ‘Iyawo Mi’ by Timi Dakolo

    5. This soothing jam ‘Aduke’ by the underrated Tjan.

    6. Everyone’s favourite John Legend love song, ‘All of Me’.

    7. ‘Thinking Out Loud’ by Ed Sheehan.

    8. Reekado Bank’s break-out song, ‘Katapot”.

    9. This timeless classic by Wande Coal, Ololufe.

    10. Never Far Away- Lagbaja

  • 1. Peace of mind

    Take a small break from crucifying that brother, but resume again in March.

    2. Privacy! Leave his phone alone!

    A man has secrets, leave it like that.

    3. Forget boxers and singlets, get him a fine sidechick

    Or 2, so you’ll always know who your competition is.

    4. Make him happy by shouting ‘I HAVE A BOYFRIEND’ to wahala boys

    Does it matter that he has 3 side chicks on a low?

    5. Don’t forget to give him time to chase other women

    Sister, you’re not the only one, just free that guy.

    6. If he’s not treating you right, gift him with your dissapearance

    All he wants for Val is you. Gone.

    7. Leave him alone with his game wahala

    Let him spend the whole day playing it without nagging.

    Or is that what he REALLY wants? Come sef, how much do you know about your bae?

    Do you know him well at all??

    Let’s test this love now now!

    Ta da! Here’s the magic portal.
  • 1. Valentine’s Day, not choreography practice.

    https://twitter.com/sire_liljosh/status/828268514901422080

    2. Anybody that buys singlet and boxers this year is cancelled!

    3. That’s bae right there!

    https://twitter.com/DanielEgwede/status/829218061127401472

    4. Single people on Valentine’s Day be like:

    https://twitter.com/Yommie_Scream/status/828652436315369474

    5. For the sharp ladies out there.

    https://twitter.com/sire_liljosh/status/828920683803660288

    6. If you don’t have boxers, better don’t form.

    https://twitter.com/TheUfuoma_/status/829059202098327552
    a

    7. Bae that doesn’t want anointing, is that one bae?

    https://twitter.com/wanks_dc/status/829112261704871936

    8. Nigerian men, when their girlfriends start throwing Valentine’s Day hints.

    https://twitter.com/TheDejiBalogun/status/828965026694299648

    9. How to tension people this Valentine’s Day.

    https://twitter.com/HenRay_DS/status/829287103213219841

    10. When you’re actually single to stupor.

  • 1. So it’s another February 14, and you are here again.

    2. Just looking and looking because you’re single.

    3. Your frenemies have been asking, “What are you up to?” like they don’t know the answer is “Nothing”.

    4. And your social media is full of mockery of single people on Valentine’s Day.

    5. To avoid unnecessary stress, it’s important to plan because failing to plan is planning to fail.

    6. Make sure you create plenty of unnecessary work for yourself, even though it’s a Sunday.

    7. Because an idle mind is the devil’s work shop.

    8. Block that ex that always finds a way to start useless conversations, especially on holidays, special days and birthdays.

    9. Before desperation lands you in a sticky situation for another 8 months.

    10. Then bring your own lunch, so you wont have to go to eateries and see everyone with their lover.

    11. When your colleagues try to crack valentines day jokes, just look at them like:

    12. And when your parents try to use your single status on valentines day to talk about marriage, just tell them:

    13. You, the next day, when all the noise is over and it’s back to normal:

  • 1. This guy’s girlfriend

    2. Single pringles be like

    3. What on earth is Valentine’s Day anyway?

    4. This person who just wants to show food some love

    https://twitter.com/asassywhale/status/824225533231845376

    5. This guy has only had one val and it’s his mom

    6. These guys’ girlfriends

    7. This guy that is just angry for no reason

  • 1. When you see people tweeting about ‘valentine’s day’ again, you’re like

    Here we go again!

    2. When someone asks who your val is?

    Must I have?

    3. You, wondering why you always have to be single during valentine’s

    Every time o!

    4. You, when your best friend won’t shut up about her val’s day plans

    Let us hear word, please.

    5. How you block everybody that seems to be having some valentine fun

    I’m not here for that.

    6. When you see someone else that hates Valentine’s day, you’re like

    My padi!

    7. You, when you your friends start complaining about the gifts they want to buy

    Who sent you work o?

    8. When you realize you don’t have to waste money on anybody, you’re like:

    Too much sense here.

    9. How you secretely laugh at some babes, because they got dumped on valentines day

    Jesus will fix it for you sha.

    10. When you see people posting 2-page love story on Instagram but you know their boyfriend’s real girlfriend

    You dun play yourself!

    11. How you sit down in front of your TV on the 14th, because Dstv is the only val you need.

    Chilling life!