Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Tife: It was at the NYSC orientation camp in Benin in 2021. Right from that first day, I saw Quam and thought he was doing too much. He was assisting other corps members, giving directives, and acting like he was a camp official. In my mind, I was like, “Who is this over sabi guy?” We were all new, so I didn’t understand why he was moving like he had been here before.

But funny enough, about three hours later, I needed help with a document I was supposed to print. I didn’t think twice about approaching him. He was so eager to help that I actually felt bad about my earlier assumptions about him.

Quam: This is entirely news to me. But yeah, that was our first encounter. I remember Tife walking up to me to ask for help with a form. I had already assisted other people before, so it wasn’t a bother. But something about her made it seem like she was in the wrong place. I mean, we were all JJCs, but she looked like she wasn’t built for camp life.

So, did you start talking from then on?

Tife: Not at all. After that day, I didn’t see him for about five days. It was almost like he vanished from camp. I remember asking one of my roommates about “the over sabi guy from day one,” and she also said she hadn’t seen him. At that point, I started searching for him—not an active search, but I kept my eyes open, hoping to run into him.

Quam: I fell sick after the first two days in camp, so I spent most of that first week in the hostel. The camp director knew how helpful I was on the first day, so they didn’t bother me when I missed some activities. But on the sixth day, a friend came to tell me someone was looking for me. I stepped out of the hostel, and it was Tife.

Tife: Guess you could say my search was fruitful. Someone directed me to his hostel and told me he wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to visit him and check-in.

Quam: That was when we properly started talking. She’d come around, bring me food, and we’d gist about camp activities. We got close really quickly.

Sweet. Was this when you realised you both liked each other?

Tife: I don’t think there was a specific moment. We just started spending all our time together. We’d go to Mammy Market together, sit together during lectures, and even pretend to be interested in camp activities just to have an excuse to hang out.

There was one night when we were gisting about our childhoods, and I realised I didn’t want our conversations to end. That’s when I knew I liked him.

Quam: For me, it was when camp was ending, and I started getting anxious about what would happen next. I had gotten so used to her being around that the thought of not seeing her every day made me uneasy.

What happened after camp?

Tife: We were both posted to different places in Benin for our primary assignments, but we were lucky to still be in the same location. That was when we really got closer.

Quam: Yeah, camp was just the foundation. The real bonding happened during the one-year service. We were practically inseparable. We’d meet up every weekend, try out new food spots, and go on small road trips whenever we had the chance. We also helped each other through the adjustment period. NYSC can be frustrating, and it was nice having someone to vent to. She was my safe space.

Tife: I think being in the same place for a whole year made us even more sure of what we felt for each other. About six months into our service year, we’d both gotten to the point where we knew what we wanted, and that’s when we officially started dating.

What were the early days of your relationship like?

Tife: It was sweet. Since we had already been close friends, transitioning into a relationship felt really natural. We didn’t have that awkward getting-to-know-you phase because we had already spent months practically joined at the hip.

Quam: But even with how much we knew each other, dating still revealed new things. Like, I always knew Tife was stubborn, but dating her showed me just how stubborn she really was. If she set her mind on something, convincing her otherwise was a full-time job.

Tife: Actually, Quam is one of those people who think they’re always right. He would argue and argue, even when it’s obvious he’s wrong.

Hmmm

Quam: That’s not true.

Tife: Case in point. But seriously, some things surprised me about him. For example, I knew he was caring, but dating him made me realise how deeply intentional he is. If I mentioned something I liked in passing, he’d remember and bring it up later. He paid attention to details in a way that made me feel truly seen.

Quam: Meanwhile, I discovered that Tife can cry for Africa. The tiniest thing could make her tear up. I remember the first time she cried in front of me, I was so confused. I kept asking, “What did I do?” because I thought I had offended her. But I got used to it. And I also realised that her emotions were a big part of how deeply she felt things. If she was happy, you’d know. If she was upset, you’d know. It was refreshing, actually, because I’ve always been more of a bottled-up person.

Tife: We balanced each other out. I made him more expressive, and he taught me how to slow down and process things before reacting.

Sounds like you guys were perfect for each other

Tife: We really were, or at least that’s what we thought.

What do you mean?

Tife: The one-year service ended, and reality set in. We had to decide what was next for us, individually and as a couple. Quam got a better job offer in Lagos, and I had to return to Ilorin because my parents weren’t exactly thrilled about me staying back in Benin.

Quam: It was a no-brainer for me. The job in Lagos was a great opportunity, and even though leaving Tife behind was hard, I told myself we could make it work. We had survived NYSC and built this strong connection and I thought, “Distance won’t change anything.”

But it did. The first few months were okay because we were still in the honeymoon phase, calling each other constantly and texting all day. But slowly, the cracks started to show. I was always busy with work, and she was trying to settle back home while figuring out her next step.

Tife: The thing with long distance is, there’s a lot of room for misunderstanding. In person, you can read someone’s body language and hear their tone properly. But over the phone, a simple “I’m tired” can be interpreted as “I don’t want to talk to you.” And for me, it was harder because I was used to having him around. Now, I was back home, where my parents were subtly reminding me that they never really approved of our relationship.

Why did they disapprove?

Quam: To be honest, her parents weren’t exactly anti-me, but they were just like your typical Nigerian parents. They wanted her to settle down with someone closer, not a  guy living in another state with no clear plans yet.

Tife: I won’t lie, there were moments when I wondered if they were right. Not because I didn’t love Quam, but because I didn’t know how we would make it work long-term. And that uncertainty led to small fights, which became big fights. Before, if we had an issue, we’d just meet up, talk, and sort it out. But now, when we argued, we had to sit with the frustration because there was no easy way to resolve things.

Did you ever find a balance?

Quam: We tried. We really did. For months, we kept adjusting, trying different ways to make the distance feel smaller. We scheduled video calls, virtual movie dates, and even started planning visits in advance. I came to Ilorin when I could, and she also tried to visit Lagos. But it still wasn’t the same. No matter how much effort we put in, there were always moments when the distance felt too overwhelming . 

Tife: Like on days when I had a rough time at work and just wanted a hug. Or times when he went out with friends, and I’d feel left out, wondering what it’d be like if I was there. And then there was the time difference…

Wait, what time difference?

Tife: Not literally, but it felt that way. Our schedules became so different that even finding time to talk became an issue. I’d call when he was in the middle of something, he’d call when I was already asleep. Little things like that started to add up. And before we knew it, our relationship started feeling like a chore.  It became something we had to actively remember to maintain rather than something that flowed naturally.

Quam: I always tell Tife that it was never a question of love, even now, we still love each other. But we were growing into different versions of ourselves, and those versions weren’t as compatible as we used to be.

And that’s when we started having the conversation about whether holding on was really the best thing for us.

How did that conversation go?

Quam: It wasn’t just one conversation. It started as small, passing comments. Things like, “This distance is really getting to me” or “Do you think we can keep doing this?” We were both feeling it, but no one wanted to be the first to say it out loud.

Tife: I remember one night, after another argument about something so stupid I can’t even remember, I just blurted out, “What are we even doing?” And there was this long silence. That was the first time we both admitted to ourselves that something wasn’t working.

Quam: We didn’t break up immediately. We kept trying, maybe out of habit, maybe out of fear. But the seed had been planted. After that conversation, every fight, every missed call, and every moment of frustration just felt like more proof that we were forcing something that wasn’t meant to work anymore. 

Tife: And that’s when I suggested we meet up in person. I didn’t want us to end things over the phone. We agreed that if we were really going to break up, we should do it with love, not resentment.

Quam: It was on Valentine’s Day, and I thought, Iif this is going to be the end, at least let it be a good ending. So I travelled to Ilorin without telling her.

And how did you feel about his surprise visit, knowing the intention behind it, Tife?

Tife: I won’t lie, I was shocked when he showed up. I had no idea he was coming, and when I saw him standing outside my house, my heart just sank. I knew why he was there, and a part of me wanted to pretend I didn’t.

But the thing is, even with the heaviness of what we were about to do, there was no tension between us. We spent the day together, ate at my favourite amala joint, drove around the city, and laughed at old memories. It didn’t feel like a breakup; it felt like two people just appreciating what they had shared.

Quam: That was the goal. I didn’t want it to be a sad, messy breakup where we both left feeling bitter. I wanted us to be able to look back and say, “We tried, we loved each other, and it was beautiful while it lasted.” Later that night, when it was finally time to talk, we sat in my hotel room, and I just said, “You know we can’t keep doing this, right?” And she nodded. There were no tears, no drama. Just an understanding that we had reached the end of this chapter.

Tife: We promised to stay in touch, and at first, I didn’t know how that would work. But surprisingly, breaking up took a lot of the pressure off. We weren’t fighting over missed calls or feeling guilty about not having enough time for each other. Whenever we did talk, it was easy, like two old friends catching up.

Nice. What’s your relationship like now?

Tife: We still talk, but we’ve given ourselves space to redefine what we mean to each other. We don’t want to rush into friendship while emotions are still fresh.

Quam: We’re both single, but there’s a freedom that comes with not having the boyfriend-girlfriend tag lingering over us. We’re taking our time figuring out what we want, but we still have a lot of love and respect for each other.

Do you think there’s a possibility of rekindling things in the future, or is this chapter completely closed?

Tife: I won’t say never, but I also don’t want to hold onto the idea of maybe. Right now, we’re both focused on our individual lives and if somewhere down the line, we find ourselves in the same place—literally and emotionally— who knows? But I don’t want to cling to that thought and stop myself from being open to new possibilities.

Quam: I feel the same way. I care about Tife deeply, and if life ever aligns for us again, I’d be open to seeing where it leads. But for now, I think we’re exactly where we need to be—separate, but still rooting for each other from afar.

I see. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?

Tife: Right now? Maybe a 6. I’m in a good place emotionally, but I won’t lie, love still feels a bit uncertain. I’m not actively looking for a relationship, but I’m also not closed off to it. I guess I’m just letting things flow.

Quam: I’d say a 7. Breaking up was tough, but I think it was the right decision for us. I’m enjoying this phase of self-discovery, figuring out what I really want in a partner and a relationship. With Tife, when the time is right, I know I’ll be ready to try again.

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