Are you the type that stands in front of the TV while screaming frantically? Or do you only watch shows long after everyone has slept? This quiz knows the answer.
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We’ve waited for some real weave-flinging drama for a while, and the gods have finally decided to bless us with Real Housewives of Abuja. The franchise showcases the lifestyles of the wealthiest housewives all over the world, but forget that. We’re here for moments like this…
And this
Oh, let’s not forget this too…
In 2022, Real Housewives of Lagos delivered peak drama week after week, setting the bar high for the women of Abuja to deliver premium content. So before we get into the show, let’s meet our Abuja housewives.
OJ Posharella
If you thought Toyin Lawani, AKA Tiannah Styling, had the most unhinged fashion looks in the Real Housewives multiverse of madness, don’t hold your breath because OJ Posharella has entered the building.
Just like Tiannah, OJ (real name Ojoma Sule) runs her own company, Posharella Empire, which she describes as a “one-stop store for luxury and finesse”. OJ’s style is a cross between ZeeWorld villain and Dubai heiress. The gist is she’s single, so we don’t have to worry about her wanting to go back home to her husband every three minutes, like Laura Ikeji.
Samantha Homossany
One fashionista is not enough, so the show brought in Samantha Homossany, the creative director behind the luxury (everything is luxury in Abuja sha) women’s line, Zohi Taglit. Samantha is also the founder and director of the ASTA Foundation, which empowers vulnerable women and children.
Samantha is very very private (Sis, why are you on a reality show then?) and married to an Abuja-based Israeli millionaire. God, when?
Arafa
Forget P-Valley; we’re going to the FCT-Valley with art enthusiast, Arafa. This mum of twins is the owner of Selara Stiletto Studio, a female-only pole and sensual dance studio in Abuja. The self-described “Jesus/party girl” is also Russian-born and half-Tanzanian (Carolyna/Caroline is shaking in her Louboutins right now).
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Comfort Booth
Meet Comfort Booth, the lawyer with a mohawk, who rides a power bike. Comfort is also a travel blogger, social commentator, foodie and host on her radio talk show in Abuja. Comfort doesn’t look she dramatic, but I hope she stirs the pot and instigates drama like our good sis, Iyabo Ojo, from the Lagos branch of Real Housewives.
Tutupie
Another interesting housewife to look out for is chef and event curator, Tutupie. The polyglot, who speaks Hausa, Turkish and German, is also the creative director of Urban Day Party. Tutupie is single, so let’s hope we see some dramatic dates on the show, because while we support love, drama comes first. Tutupie believes people think she’s crazy, but she’s not. Well, let’s be the judge of that, sis.
Princess Jecoco
It seems like every housewife in Abuja is a lawyer because Princess Jecoco is a real life princess, brand ambassador, influencer, YouTuber, and you guessed it, lawyer too. She’s the managing director of Sefcon Group of Hotels, a wife and mother of two. Princess Jecoco describes herself as the “energy goddess” and “ginger mama”. Hopefully, she brings that energy and ginger to the show because we’ll be watching out for it.
ALSO READ: 15 WTF Nigerian Reality TV Moments We’ll Never Forget
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Get in here, guys. We’re leaving the trenches behind.
Everyone can’t stop talking about Inkblot Productions and Netflix’s new show, Far From Home, and we totally get it. The young-adult series created by Chinaza Onuzo follows Ishaya Bello, a poor boy from Isale Eko who’s down to do anything to japa from the trenches and become a superstar artist.
If just like Ishaya you’re tired of living in severe sapa, then this article is for you. Here’s a list of the easiest ways to make bastard money and escape the trenches before 2023. Take notes.
Don’t be born a Nigerian
Everyone in Nigeria is in the trenches and the last time we checked, you don’t have two heads. Your problem started the day you were born Nigerian. When next you’re choosing to be born, please and please, ask the angel to redeploy you somewhere else. Don’t choose +234 for your own good.
Be born rich
If you mistakenly end up being born into a Nigerian family, the least you can do is make sure it’s a rich one. See, if your parents are poor, today is a good day to disown them and look for new ones. No hard feelings. They’ll support your decision if they truly want the best for you.
Enter the oil and gas business
If Otedola can make money from oil and gas, what’s stopping you from becoming a billionaire too. All you need to do is start selling cooking gas and then small palm oil or vegetable oil on the side. See how simple it is? And to think everyone makes oil and gas sound like some exclusive big boys club. Don’t worry, I’ve hacked it for you.
Please, fast and pray
Ishaya did everything but fast and pray. How do you want to escape the trenches when you’re not a prayer warrior? What God cannot do does not exist.
Try a lirru bit of kidnapping
Everyone knows streets aren’t safe during the ember months, so how about using that to your advantage by stepping into your kidnapping bag. With all the IJGBs everywhere, after two or three kidnapping adventures, who knows, you might be buying a house in Banana Island by January.
Become an artist
Note how I didn’t ask you to learn how to draw or paint? I said, “Become an artist” because there’s levels when it comes to this art thing — talent is one thing, while packaging is another thing. People that just draw and paint are still in the trenches like Ishaya’s father, but you see “artists”? Omo, those ones are like Essien, touring the world and cashing checks.
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Manifest Dangote’s money into your account
Why spend all your time working for money when you can just manifest Dangote’s money into your account? This is what we mean by working smarter, not harder. Dangote has done all the work, so just go out into the rain or light candles and manifest everyday until your account balance increases.
Become a sugar baby
Falling in love is a great feeling. But you know what feels better, and could help you leave the trenches? Finding a glucose guardian that has bastard money. You might have to give some sugar here and there like Adufe on Far From Home, but at least you won’t have to choose between warming the beans from yesterday or drinking garri without milk and sugar.
Like
ShakespeareDavido once said, “Love is sweet o, but when money enter, love is sweeter.”Create your own currency
If CBN can use Snapchat filters to design Nigeria’s currency, who says you can’t make your own currency? All you need is ink and plenty of A4 paper. Good luck!
Plan a dinner with Jay Z
Everyone on Twitter is always talking about how dinner with Jay Z is more valuable than $1m, and they’re not wrong. You don’t need money to be bastardly rich and escape the trenches; you need little nuggets of wisdom from Beyoncé’s husband.
ALSO READ: Seyi Vibez Misses the Trenches But Doesn’t Regret Leaving
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Is it me, or are the main characters on TV shows created to be annoying and chaotic all the time? Anyone who’s seen Blood and Water will confirm that while the lead character, Puleng Khumalo, is lovable and smart, she can be very annoying in her mission to prove her schoolmate, Fikile, is her long-lost sister.
In honour of the return of one of my favourite high school dramas, I’m looking at all the times I almost jumped into my TV screen just so I could drag Puleng for being messy AF.
The time Wade said she looked like Fikile, and she just went with it
Everyone knows the usual response to “You and this person look-alike” is, “I don’t see it”, but not my good sis, Puleng. In the very first episode, while gate-crashing Fikile’s birthday party, Wade (a total stranger, by the way) randomly told Puleng she looked just like the birthday girl, and boom, she decided Fikile might be her long-lost sister.
Was she correct to start the investigation? Yes. Was it a bit extra? Also, yes.
Starting this whole investigation in the first place like she’s Eniola Holmes
I can’t remember the last time I saw Puleng read a book, do homework or just go for a jog. From the moment the show started, Puleng put on her Eniola Holmes hat and refused to take it off. There could be an earthquake, tsunami and jailbreak happening at the same time, and we’d still find Puleng digging through Fikile’s trash for DNA samples.
The time she tried to steal Fikile’s tampon to get her DNA sample
Talking about digging through trash, can we also go back to the time Puleng tried to fap Fikile’s used tampon in season one so she could run a DNA test? I mean, smart move doing the DNA thing, but my good sis, trying to steal someone’s tampon is a bit much. Or what do you think?
Her love triangle with KB and Wade
Puleng must really think she’s Bella Swan from Twilight or something because why was she juggling two fine ass men like it’s nothing?
There’s KB, her boyfriend and original love interest from season one, and then there’s Wade, her sidekick who told her multiple times that he liked her. To be honest, everyone is tired of the “not noticing my best friend is in love with me” trope. Even though she ended up with Wade in season two, she still kissed KB in the last episode, turning her relationship map into an actual triangle. Good job, sis.
The time she slapped Fikile (and her teammate) senseless
One thing about Puleng is she’s never going to miss an opportunity to bitch slap someone. She slapped her teammate from her old school after she made the team lose a match. Then, she decked Fikile when she found out her supposed sister was behind the leaked tape of their father’s arrest.
Puleng’s slaps are annoying because they land her in trouble every time. But I can’t help but mutter a little “Yasss, bitch” under my breath everytime it happens.
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Using KB to get an internship someone else deserved
This episode in season two confirmed that Puleng was actually written to be an annoying protagonist who would do anything to move the plot forward. Despite having zero interest in law, Puleng manipulated her relationship with KB to get an internship with his dad’s law firm, knowing other deserving students wanted the slot. Did she have a good reason? Yes. But it didn’t make her move any less shitty.
The time she tried to prove she wasn’t a drug addict by doing shady drug addict activity
In season two, when Puleng’s parents suspect she might be using drugs and call a rehab to pick her up, this babe decided to wear a hoodie, pack a bag and steal some money from her brother’s piggy bank (not the app, an actual piggy bank), so she could run away. Like, what was she trying to prove? Because if it was that she was drug-free, then she failed woefully.
When she finally revealed her investigation but didn’t drag her parents’ like small gen
African parents blaming drugs once their kids breathe different will never be wild to me. After it’s revealed Puleng isn’t a drug addict but a sergeant with Panti police station, she misses out on a wonderful opportunity to drag her parents on behalf of the rest of us. She could’ve at least hissed or rolled her eyes because they deserved small disrespect in that scene. We were rooting for you, Puleng!
Going to the hood unsupervised
Sometimes I believe Puleng wakes up every morning thinking she’s Lara Croft or an avenger. If she has any superpower or martial arts training we don’t know of, now would be a good time to share with the class. I don’t understand why she dragged Wade to the hood on an investigative trip, but of course, it ended with them being attacked by some bouncer-looking man. Puleng, abeg now.
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Everyone is talking about Netflix’s From Scratch and how it made them cry. Well, I’m here to testify that I saw it and not one teardrop left my eyeballs.
The show follows the ups-and-downs love story of Amy (Zoe Saldana) and Lino (Eugenio Mastrandrea) . I didn’t cry, not because I’m heartless or insensitive, I just have some tricks that helped me get through the show without crying. So if you want to watch the TV show and maintain your street cred like me, here are a couple of things you could do.
Don’t watch it
You heard a show is making everyone cry, and you thought, “Wow, let me watch it too.” Do you think you have two heads and that’s why you won’t cry? Sorry dear, just watch something like Papa Ajasco and save yourself from the emotional distress waiting for you.
Start from the last episode
If you start watching the show from the last episode, you won’t understand why bad things are happening or how sad the situation is because you don’t really know the characters. You can’t pity someone when you’re only watching their ending and have no idea what the hell is going on and how they got there.
Read spoilers online
There’s a high chance you won’t cry once you know what happens on the show. Read the plot, episode by episode, on Wikipedia, and then go on Twitter to read everyone’s tweets about it. At least, this way, you know when a character dies or has cancer before you watch the TV show.
Cry ahead of time
If you cry very well before you watch the show, you’ll definitely run out of tears when the show starts tugging at your emotions. Water can’t come out from an empty well, so empty your eyeballs beforehand.
Think about the naira
Before you start crying about Amy and Lino’s drama, remember that the naira is currently fighting for its life, and you haven’t started vomiting pounds yet. The only people allowed to cry are those who earn foreign currencies. Better focus on your focus if you’re still earning in Nnamdi Azikiwe and Alvan Ikoku.
Watch it with your parents
Nigerian parents will never miss an opportunity to make fun of their children, so your parents will probably start laughing at you the moment your tears threathen to fall. This goes without saying that it depends on the parent, because if your parents are softies too, then, omo, all of you might just end up crying together.
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Look for something cringe and focus on that
Am I the only weirdo who finds crying faces funny? I doubt it. The moment there’s a sad scene, I’d advise you to focus on something cringe like a weird-looking wig or how Amy (Zoe Saldana) has a funny cry face.
Watch a sadder TV show or film
To avoid crying while watching From Scratch, you need to watch sadder shows to raise your sadness expectation. By the time you watch When They See Us, Three Idiots or Miracle in Cell No. 7 at least four times, your emotions will be so over the place, you won’t be able to find new tears to cry when you start From Scratch.
Don’t binge watch From Scratch
Most people are crying because they’re watching the whole show in one sitting, so it’s easy to get really invested in the characters. If you don’t want to cry, watch one episode a month so you’ll become emotionally detached by the time all the bad things start happening.
Remember it’s just a TV show
Babes, it’s just a TV show. It’s called make-believe and people are acting. If you think I’m lying, look at Zoe Saldana, the actress playing Amy. Don’t you remember her from Colombiana and Guardians of the Galaxy? Remind yourself that her character isn’t not real and squeeze your face with vim.
Make the film cry
Omo, my job here is to tell you what to do. Information on how to go about itt is above my pay grade. But where there’s a will, there’s a way.
ALSO READ: Ranked: Nobody Beats These 10 Nollywood Actresses at Crying in Movies
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Insecure, HBO Have you ever watched a TV show to impress someone you like? Well, you’re not alone. These seven Nigerians can relate to your desperation to off someone’s pant with TV show references, and they spoke to me about how it all went down.
Bridgerton, Netflix
— Tobi, 28
I used to make fun of people who watched Bridgerton back in 2020 because It looked boring and unnecessarily horny — why was that guy licking a spoon like a whore in those memes? But this year, I met a girl on instagram, and obsessed doesn’t even cover how much she stans the show.
I forced myself to watch Bridgerton because of this girl and started posting videos of me pretending to enjoy it on my Instagram story. The girl ended up sliding into my DM and doing all the toasting for me. I wouldn’t say I like the show, but we’re dating now, so don’t be shocked if you see me watching season three next year.
Stranger Things, Netflix
— Cynthia, 23
God knows I don’t like scary shit or playing with demons, but I watched Stranger Things, and it was because of a man. A guy I liked in my gym was wearing merch from the show one day, and since I’d been looking for a way to talk to him without sounding desperate, I figured this would be a subtle move. I spent a whole week bingeing all three seasons of the show, and the next time he wore the shirt, I told him, “I can’t wait to see how they bring back Hopper.” That’s how we started talking.
I ended up inviting him to watch the fourth season’s premiere with me; let’s say, some things went down. Shoutout to The Duffer Brothers for getting me good dick.
The Men’s Club, REDTv
— Jeremiah, 30
The show might be called The Men’s Club, but I feel women watch it more than men. I got into the show because there was this girl at my office I really liked who wouldn’t stop talking about it. I knew if she found out I liked the show, we’d hit it off, and we did. We’d talk about the show throughout our lunch break, and I even pretended to ship Louis and Lola, only to find out my “office wife” was engaged to someone else.
I get not bringing your personal life to work, but there’s no way this babe didn’t know I liked her. Anyway, I still watch the show; I just don’t trust Lagos babes anymore.
Anime in general
— Ehi, 25
I met this cute guy who was really into anime during my NYSC service year. Omo, this guy was such an anime geek; he had a demon slayer sword, as per Ikeja Samurai Jack. But, like I said, he was cute AF. We used to gist a lot, but our conversation wasn’t moving towards fornication, so I thought getting into the shows he liked would help me secure my future orgasm.
I tried Bleach, She-Ra, Yuri on Ice, Naruto and Sailor Moon, but nothing clicked. I hate animation, and even though I wanted that knacks badly, I couldn’t move past this hatred. Maybe I should just tell him I want to chop his work.
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Spartacus, STARZ
— Zoe, 29
Spartacus was a sure way for me to get steady sex back in the day. I used to live in an apartment off campus when I was in university, but I had this coursemate who lived at home with super religious parents, so he couldn’t watch shows with violence or sex in them. He used to come to my apartment to watch Spartacus after classes, and every time he was done, we’d have sex. I hated the show but knew it was a necessary evil, so I endured it. I always looked at the bigger picture.
RuPaul’s Drag Race, LogoTV
— Abdul, 30
Let me start by saying I used to be one of those gays who were happy to announce that he didn’t watch RuPaul’s Drag Race. It gave me this weird feeling of superiority, like I was better than other gay men. Until I met my would-be ex, who was a big Drag Race fan. This man watched all the different shows from America to Australia. I resisted at first, but by the time he started repeatedly showing me clips and talking about it, I just had to give in.
I was shocked by how good Drag Race was. It’s hilarious and smart. The show also helped me build a community with other gay men who I wouldn’t have gotten to know if it hadn’t come up. I miss my ex, but I’m glad he helped me deal with my internalised homophobia and accept the beauty of drag.
Insecure, HBO
— Tomiwa, 35
Insecure is my favourite show ever, and it took trying to impress my wife for me to see that. In 2016, when I was still dating her, she mentioned Insecure in passing as a show she loved. I’d never heard of it, and since it was just starting, I thought, why not? I fell hopelessly in love with the show just as I was falling in love with my wife.
Insecure was a massive part of our relationship. I proposed while Girl by The Internet and Kaytranada played in the background (we discovered it on the show). We both cried when the show ended last year. My next goal is to get my wife to meet Issa Rae.
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This quiz knows exactly which HOTD Dragon you are. Don’t argue with us. Just take the quiz.
The Most Annoying Characters on “House of the Dragon”, Ranked
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Surviving life in the Game of Thrones universe without a dragon, title, exchangeable faces, connections in high places or a shitload of gold must be hard AF! One minute you’re strolling down the streets of Kings Landing eating a slice of pigeon pie, and the next thing you know, a random dragon is flying over the town, turning everyone into asun.
From complicated Targaryen names to church explosions, here are some of the stressful things background characters in the Game of Thrones universe can relate to:
Dragons stepping on you and your family members like cockroaches
Shoutout to Princess Rhaenys and her dragon, Meleys, for that badass moment at Aegon II’s coronation in the ninth episode of House of the Dragon. But, hold up: did anyone else see the way her dragon was trampling on everyone and flinging citizens with its tail unprovoked?
These people were living their best poverty-stricken lives in Flea Bottom before they were forced to watch that dramatic coronation, and now they’re dead. Westerosi life no balance at all.
Cum falling from the sky
Before becoming a serial rapist and king, Aegon II, in episode six of House of the Dragon, showed us one of his hobbies — jerking off while standing on one of the windows of the Red Keep. Eww. That’s how someone will be working to earn their daily 2k, and bam, now you have Aegon II’s cum on your wig. What a life?
Weddings that end with murder and tears
From Rob Stark, Talisa and their unborn child murder at the Red Wedding in Game of Thrones to Ser Leanor’s side piece at his engagement party with Princess Rhaenyra in House of the Dragon, Westerosi royal weddings never end well. Imagine going for a wedding just to end up brutally killed or traumatised over a beef that doesn’t even involve you. The people of Westeros must dread getting wedding invitations at this point.
Getting the suya treatment from Targaryen dragons
Remember when Daenerys Stormborn got on her dragon and burnt thousands of Kings Landing citizens because she was angry?
Even though she had cause to be angry as Cersei had killed her dragon and beheaded her best friend, she could’ve quickly flown to the Red Keep and roasted Cersei instead of involving everyone else in her Iron Throne wahala.
Trying to remember Targaryen names
George R.R. Martin is a brilliant writer, but why does he use the same names over and over again for his Targaryen characters? Is it Aegon or is it Aemond or Daemon? How many Aegons are there? I can’t keep up. The poor people of Westeros must’ve been going through it, trying not to mix these names up. That’s how mandem will end up beheaded because they can’t tell the difference between Princess Rhaenys and Princess Rhaenyra.
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Looking at ugly ass wigs
I’ve complained about the wigs they give the black characters on House of the Dragon. Must be tough living in a city where no one knows how to install a proper Peruvian lace frontal.
Dying in wildfire bomb blasts
I was gagged when Cersei blew up the Great Sept of Baelor in the sixth season of Game of Thrones. This woman and her Rihanna “Take a Bow” wig blew up the Westerosi Vatican like it was nothing.
Even though I still miss my fave opportunist, Margaery Tyrell, so many random civilians were killed in that bomb blast. And all for what? Because they threw shit in her face. It’s not that deep, sis.
Going to war because of someone else’s beef
Please, why am I fighting your soldiers if I don’t have beef with you? These Game of Thrones background characters will be on their own, and the next thing, some lord will ask them to march to battle because they’re his bannermen. What type of unnecessary pressure is this?
Dealing with shitty leaders
If you think Buhari, Goodluck Jonathan and Obasanjo were shitty leaders, then what would the people of Westeros say after surviving the Mad King, Joffrey and Cersei? It’s giving Abacha vibes over and over again.
Dying at any bloody time
If there’s one major takeaway from all of this, it’s that you can die at any bloody time as a civilian in Westeros, and no one will give a rat’s bumbum about it. Honestly, it sounds a lot like another country I know, but let me log off here.
ALSO READ: The Most Annoying Characters on “House of the Dragon”, Ranked
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If we’re keeping it one hundred, every character on House of the Dragon is annoying AF. While Game of Thrones had Daenerys Targaryen, House of the Dragon doesn’t have any character I can root for so far, and yes, Rhaenerys is annoying too.
These are 10 characters, including an inanimate object I can’t stand on House of the Dragon.
10. Vhagar
Honestly, fuck this bloody dragon. Where’s the loyalty? Laena’s grilled bones weren’t even cold at the bottom of River Niger when this dragon bent down to allow Aemond to climb her. Just small speaking in tongues and Vhagar lost guard. No shame at all.
9. The dreadlock wigs
Since no one wants to say it, let me grab the mic real quick and call out House of the Dragon for doing its black characters dirty. Look at these kids; it’s bad enough that their father married their cousin the day after their mother was buried. Do they also deserve these atrocious back-of-pot sponge wigs? It’s just wickedness at this point.
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8. Aegon Targaryen
I don’t know if it’s because he looks like the other annoying guy from Stranger Things or that he just reminds me of Joffery Lannister. Either way, I can’t stand Aegon II. His face annoys me, and even though I haven’t read the books, I know his character will be shit, so I’m hating in advance.
7. Viserys I Targaryen
If Viserys makes it to the next episode, I’ll have no choice but to rewrite this article and make him number one. Don’t get me wrong, Viserys is a stand-up guy — as long as you’re willing to forget the time he opened his wife open like a Christmas turkey, but my beef with him is his refusal to die.
Sir, your mates are unalive, follow their lead and let us rest. Out here looking like stockfish every week.
6. Lord Corlys Velaryon
Westerosi Idris Elba has gotten more annoying as House of the Dragon has progressed. His initial motivation in getting the throne for his wife, Princess Rhaenys felt feminist AF. But after watching him attempt to turn his daughter into a child bride, I’ve seen him in a new light and my loyalties have shifted.
5. Larys Strong
Linda Ikeji of Westeros. Gossip Girl, the first. Honestly, any man who spends his time doing amebo — even if it’s his job — will always be irritating to me. Larys Strong reminds me of two characters I didn’t like from Game of Thrones, Lord Baelish and Varys.
4. Daemon Targaryen
I love a messy bitch who lives for drama, but Daemon Targaryen’s wahala is too much. You must always find him anywhere people are fighting or losing their wives. Even God rested on the seventh day, sir.
3. Princess Rhaenyra
I love Riri Baby, but this babe has been annoying this season. Sis, everybody cheats, this is
LagosWesteros. But what happened to cheating with decorum? The fact that everyone knows the other dragon you’re riding at night is a problem. And even though sprinkles of incest are encouraged between the Targaryens, I just can’t get over her thing with Daemon. Eww.Anyway sha, shout out to Rhaenyra for being an LGBTQ+ ally. Love to see it.
2. Ser Criston Cole
Ser Criston Cole deserves to be at the top of this list, but I refuse to put him at the top of anything in life. This is the type of man that’ll claim to hate his ex in public but still spend time liking their picture from 2012 on the low. Why is Rhaenyra living rent-free in your head, ser? You’re not the first to chop breakfast. Abeg, rest.
1. Queen Alicent
It’s hard to watch House of the Dragons and not hate Alicent. Okay, your friend had a hot girl summer boning her sexy bodyguard and almost — emphasis on ALMOST — climbing her equally hot uncle while you had to sleep with a white walker every night. Is that enough reason to beef her for over ten years?
Even though I sometimes get where she’s coming from about loyalty to the crown blah blah blah. Alicent has a serious case of bad belle, and I cannot stand for it. Weyrey dey disguise.
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Based on how Game of Thrones ended, I honestly went into its new prequel show, House of the Dragon, with my expectations in the poteaux-poteaux. I heard it was showing on Showmax, so I gave it a go and let’s just say these dragon people have me in a chokehold.
Even though I’m tempted to recap the eight seasons of Game of Thrones, I’ve chosen peace of mind today and focused on the first two episodes of the House of the Dragon.
House of the Dragon starts by reminding us this is a prequel, so we need to dead any hopes of seeing Jon Snow, Tyrion Lannister or Daenerys Targaryen. There’s also a brief history lesson on how powerful the Targaryens are as the rulers of Westeros because of their big-ass dragons and perfectly laid blonde wigs.
The opening scene shows that Westeros is not that different from the real world when the Lords decide they’d rather choke than allow a woman rule them. Even though Princess Rhaenys Velaryon has a more valid claim to the throne (and a hot husband), they vote for Viserys I Targaryen to take over.
Feminism in the mud for real Years later, we meet discount Daenerys, aka Rhaenyra.
Seeing her ride a dragon is giving me PTSD from the time Dany turned half of Kings Landing into suya in season eight of Game of Thrones. Anyway, Rhaenyra, who I’ll refer to as Riri Baby from now on, is King Viserys I’s only child. And while her pregnant mother reminds her she was born to pop out babies, Riri Baby is on her Arya Stark P and would rather do “manly” activities like go to war and decapitate men.
YASS QUEEN!
Meanwhile, in the king’s August meeting chambers, we hear him talk about how confident he is that his next child will be a boy and the heir to his throne.
The universe:
MEANWHILE
As the council makes plans for fun festivities, Lord Corlys, aka Westerosi Idris Elba, reminds them that the city’s ships are being captured by someone known as the Crab Feeder.
But the council is like:
We later meet the king’s younger brother, Daemon Targaryen, who looks like an older version of Orlando Bloom from The Lord of the Rings.
Daemon gives serious Jim Iyke bad boy vibes with a heavy dose of big dick energy. Just one look at him, and I know he’s going to cause chaos. But in the meantime, him and Riri Baby speak in tongues for a bit before he gives her an ugly necklace that means something sha.
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The king visits his pregnant wife, who tells him this is the last time she’s pushing out a baby from her coochie just because he’s desperate for a male heir.
On the day the queen goes into labour, a violent tournament is held to celebrate the baby’s birth. People stab each other up and down, and the audience keeps cheering like it’s the UEFA Champions League.
Random man in pain:
Audience:
The king is summoned to the labour room and asked to choose between his wife and son. In a move that reminds us never to trust men, he picks the son he doesn’t even know and the midwives cut open his wife like a Christmas chicken. The queen dies, and because karma’s a bad bitch, the baby coughs once and signs out too.
Disclaimer: Alcohol was needed to digest this scene because WTF?? So much for having a new heir.
With the baby gone, Daemon decides to do a little dorime in honour of the fact that he’s back to being the sole heir to the throne because no one would give it to Riri Baby, a girl.
Daemon:
The king hears of Daemon’s party and is visibly pissed by the dead baby slander.
The first episode ends with the king making Riri Baby the heir to his throne just to spite him.
EPISODE 2
Episode two kicks off with Daemon holding one of the castles hostage, and Riri Baby back to doing bartender work despite being named the heir to the throne.
Westerosi Idris Elba is still on the council’s neck to go after the Crab Feeder.
But the council refuses to be bothered or stressed.
When Riri Baby suggests that the king sends her and a couple of dragons to flex on the enemy, the Hand of the King, Lord Otto Hightower, is like:
Lord Hightower has plans of his own, by the way. This man has been sending his teenage daughter, Riri’s BFF, to the king’s chamber to seduce him. Ewwwwww. But we’ll come back to that.
Westerosi Idris Elba is also married to Princess Rhaenys, the king’s cousin who would’ve been on the throne if not for small sexism. They try to convince the king to marry their daughter, his second cousin. Once again, eww.
Nothing prepared me for the daughter in question.
Child marriage apart, I’m really stressed by this sponge on her head. Meanwhile, Lord Hightower goes to see Daemon with an army to retrieve the dragon egg he stole.
But before Daemon can turn Hightower and his men into asun, Riri Baby steps in, speaks some weird ass language with him again, and he walks away, giving her the egg.
Over at Kings Landing, the king finally announces who he wants to marry and shocks everyone by picking Lord Hightower’s daughter, Alicent, who’s literally his teenage daughter’s age and bestie. Ewwwww overload.
Westerosi Idris Elba is pissed his infant daughter didn’t become a child bride, and Riri Baby is pissed her BFF is about to become her stepmother.
I would’ve yelled, “Worldstar!” if I was there. Looking for revenge, Westerosi Idris Elba decides to join forces with Daemon, to defeat the Crab Feeder and take the throne.
This episode ends with a glimpse of the Crab Feeder, and we know he’s a villain because he’s disfigured like the bad guys from Nightmare on Elm Street and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Also, he literally feeds his victims to crabs.
The end.
House of the Dragon is streaming on Showmax with new episodes every Monday, same time it drops in the US
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