Heartbreak | Zikoko!

In 2022, Folake* (27) suddenly found herself homeless and broke after her long-time boyfriend ended their relationship. In this story, she shares how the breakup was her wake-up call to make better financial decisions and what rebuilding has looked like.

As Told To Boluwatife

One night in August 2022, I tapped my boyfriend, Tunde*, awake, ready for war.

When he opened his eyes, I presented him with evidence I’d painstakingly gathered over two weeks: screenshots of chats, selfies and voice notes to prove his infidelity.

I’d discovered he was cheating on me with multiple women by chance. One random girl had messaged me on Snapchat: “Hi dear, sorry to bother you, but are you dating Tunde?”

I laughed at first because I knew what that meant. She was coming to me “woman to woman” to claim she had a thing with my man.

I thought, “Surely, this babe is joking. Not my Tunde.”

Then she sent screenshots and pictures. Tons of pictures.

My blood ran cold. My chest was tight. For a few hours, I convinced myself it was a prank. Then, I systematically went through his phone for weeks and saw enough to write a Tyler Perry movie.

When I confronted him that night, I expected drama, begging, maybe even tears. I desperately wanted him to explain and give me excuses — a reason to forgive him.

It sounds pitiful, but Tunde was my world. We’d been together for four years and lived together for three. I just wanted us to go back to how things were. Instead, Tunde looked me dead in the eye and said, “So, you’ve found out. What do you want me to do?”

I thought my ears weren’t working. I asked him, “Is that what you’re supposed to say?”

He calmly said, “You’re the reason I do all this rubbish, Folake. You’re too controlling. Maybe we should take a break to figure out what we really want.”

I couldn’t say a word. Four years gone, just like that.

The Breakup That Almost Broke Me

Two days later, Tunde asked if I could “give him space” for a while. That was code for “pack your things.”

The statement triggered a realisation that pushed my heartbreak to the background: I had absolutely nothing.

Nowhere to go, no property and no money.

I’d moved in with Tunde immediately after uni, and had essentially built my life around him. Everything I had was ours. He was the breadwinner, but I poured all my heart and soul into the relationship.

I thought we were “building together,” so I didn’t think twice about channelling whatever small money I made as a beginner makeup artist to what I believed was our home: taking care of food, buying fuel, and getting Tunde gifts. Sometimes, I even lent him money that I never got back.

I thought we were a team, so I never worried. I didn’t even have savings of my own because, why would I? Tunde handled everything I needed. I honestly didn’t think I lacked anything.

The breakup was a wake-up call.

I’m ashamed to say I begged Tunde a little. He cheated on me, but I was the one doing the pleading. I begged him to consider our love and let us work things out. When he didn’t budge, I asked him to give me adequate time to get a place to stay. He refused.

I cried for almost 24 hours straight.

I honestly thought my life was over. If not for my religion, I would’ve considered ending it all.

Tunde and I rarely had major fights. He’d cheated before, but swore never to do it again, and I trusted him. I didn’t check his phones or keep him from going out. He even spent whole weekends with his guys. So, his “control” allegations were very strange. It was like he just wanted an excuse to send me away.

In the end, I wiped my tears, packed three years of my life and makeup tools into three travel boxes, and moved into my friend Ronke’s one-room apartment.

On the day I left, I had just ₦15k in my bank account.

The Financial Reality Check

For the first time in a long time, I was broke.

The worst thing was that I couldn’t even call home for help. I had fought with my parents and sister over this same guy because they didn’t like his job and wanted me to leave him.

Even though we still kept in touch, I wasn’t as close to my family as I had been before, due to their constant complaints about Tunde.

I knew telling them about my situation would only lead to them mocking me. So, I decided to face my struggles on my own.

My only saving graces were Ronke and my handiwork. My world might have scattered, but at least I had a skill that could feed me and a place to lay my head.

So, I started rebuilding.

It was hard. I had initially told Ronke I’d squat with her for three months. My thinking was that I’d hustle for as many makeup jobs as possible, gather money and rent my own place. But it wasn’t as easy as I imagined.

Firstly, I didn’t have a shop. I’d only learnt makeup to have a skill, not because I wanted to make it a business. My dream business was to open a fashion store, which Tunde had promised to set up. So, up until I became homeless, my clients were the girlfriends of Tunde’s friends who knew what I did. They came to the house when they needed my services and sometimes gave me ₦5k or ₦10k as a thank you.

As a result, I didn’t have an actual customer base. I had to start afresh, opening a business page on social media and beginning to market my work. I didn’t get any clients for four months. It was even more difficult because I could only offer home services. I didn’t have a shop where people could walk in. Most of the time, I just did makeup for my friend so I could take videos and post them online.

Also, when I managed to find clients, I couldn’t just keep all the money. I had to contribute to the household’s expenses and support my friend, as she was essentially feeding me.

I ended up squatting with my friend for almost two years. I don’t know why I thought I could manage to stand alone in three months. Maybe living with Tunde and relying fully on him made me blind to the financial realities of surviving in Nigeria.

During those two years with Ronke, I was in a constant cycle of hustle, settling bills and trying to save money. Yes, that saving I didn’t do before? No one told me to take it seriously.

Ronke — God bless her for me — didn’t pressure or make me feel like an inconvenience, but I knew I had to actively plan my finances so I never had to be stranded again.

I learnt to follow a budget for the first time in my adult life. Whenever I got paid for a job, I divided the money into two: half to my savings account and half to my spending account. I didn’t even spend the half in my account on myself, I used it to settle bills at my friend’s house and buy tools to upgrade my business.

In 2023, I found a hairstylist who owned a salon around Ronke’s area and begged her to give me a small space in her shop for my clients. She agreed and let me pay her ₦5k weekly for the space. That’s how I got a walk-in “shop”.

Fortunately for me, the hairstylist’s clients started to patronise me too. I also began getting returning clients from social media.

By 2024, I’d saved ₦350k, and my sister borrowed me ₦100k extra so I could rent my own one-room apartment.

The apartment felt like I was taking my first deep breath in two years.

Starting Over from Scratch

Since I cleared my savings for rent, I had to live in that room with no furniture for the first six months. I didn’t even have a mattress. But I slept on the floor with pride and happiness.

It wasn’t the soft life I was used to. No AC or Netflix like in Tunde’s house, but this was my own place. No one could wake up one day and send me away.

Gradually, I began to turn the apartment into a home. I bought a mattress, plastic chairs and a few kitchen utensils. I started feeling proud of myself again. There were times when I missed the comfort of relying on Tunde, but I had to fight through.

Eventually, my peace of mind came back. I realised I used to treat love like a financial plan. I gave my stability to a man and called it a partnership.

Now, I was building something real by myself.

I still don’t have everything I need, but I’ve come a long way since 2022. I’m not rich, but I’m stable. I have ₦200k in savings and no debt. I already have my rent saved somewhere. I’m even planning to get my own shop soon.

Last month, Tunde texted me. Something about “catching up” and “missing what we had.”

I didn’t even open the chat. I archived it and went back to my life. God forbid I return to what almost took my life.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: I Was a House Girl in Egypt for Two Years. I Came Back With Nothing

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The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional, and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.

Imisi’s life changed after a hospital’s negligence led to her father’s sudden death. In this story, she shares how the hurt and heartbreak forced her to leave Nigeria and never look back — a decision that has changed her life and moved her income from ₦180,000 monthly to $85,000 per annum.

Where do you currently live, and when did you move from Nigeria?

I currently live in Canada. I moved in June last year.

What was the major inspiration behind your relocation?

It was a mixture of reasons. First, I had a breakup that kind of reset my head. Then, there was a close friend who’s abroad move opened me up to the idea of japa. But the biggest reason was what happened to my dad in the Nigerian healthcare system. My cousin had been talking to me about applying for a Canadian permanent residency visa, but I was never impressed by the idea. But all the reservations I had about moving disappeared after that incident.

Can you share more details about that?

My dad had cancer, and my brother, who’s a doctor, was his primary caregiver. However, we had to rely on other Nigerian doctors when my brother relocated to the UK. Just one month after he left, my dad went for his usual chemo, and everything seemed fine until it wasn’t.

At some point during that particular hospital visit, we were informed that my father needed oxygen. This wouldn’t have been an issue, except the oxygen in question wasn’t readily available; the hospital said they had to go get oxygen from the emergency unit to my dad’s room, but everything seemed disorganised and chaotic, so the search for the oxygen went on for minutes. Before I could even process what was going on, my dad had died. That day changed everything for me. It showed me that in Nigeria, you can have money and still not have access to basic things. That was a big wake-up call.

Before that incident, relocating wasn’t something I really cared about. I had a partner at the time, and the plan was for him to travel first, then I’d join him later. But then my dad passed, and my partner broke my heart too. I didn’t know how to process the fact that he wasn’t there for me while I was mourning and burying my father.

Around the same time, my friend at work who had been encouraging me to renew my passport finally relocated to the US. That made it feel real. I thought, “Okay, this is possible. Let me try.”

I’m so sorry. What was your life in Nigeria like before all of this?

I was working as an accountant with a startup. I was earning ₦180,000 monthly, which was fine because I didn’t have many responsibilities. I wasn’t sending money home or taking care of anyone. I was still getting an allowance from home sometimes, so I was comfortable. I was just working, hanging out with friends, and living my life. I had the chance to leave Nigeria through the permanent residency route, and I took it.

What was moving to Canada like for you as an adult?

It was harder than I expected. I was initially excited, but as the time got closer, it became emotional. I resigned from my job three months before I left Nigeria because I wanted to spend time with my mum. I wanted to enjoy home one last time.

Thankfully, my cousin (who told me about PR) was already living in Canada, so I had a place to stay and food to eat. I had a soft landing. But I still put pressure on myself because I didn’t want to overstay my welcome.

The weather also took a toll on me. It was summer, but I was still really cold. My lips were dry, and my skin was breaking out. I was job hunting for about five months, and I was picky because I didn’t want to do survival jobs. Eventually, I got a job that was even better than what I had hoped for.

I love that for you!

Life is way better in Canada. I went from earning ₦180,000 to about $85,000 a year (before bonuses). I’ve been here for over a year now, and never had to worry about generator noise or a transformer blowing and spoiling the food in my fridge. It’s different here, but in a good way. At least now, when I work hard, I see the results. Back home, it didn’t always feel like that.

Have you been able to build a social life since you moved?

Yeah, but it’s seasonal. Social life in Canada is for summer. Once summer is over, that’s it. At the same time, I lucked out with my cousin’s wife, who is also my good friend and very social. She knows everyone in Toronto. So I am always going out and meeting new people through her.

Were there any culture shocks when you first moved?

So many. A big one is how people hold the door for you, even when you’re still far behind. I’ve started doing it too now, subconsciously.

Another is calling people by their first names. I work as an accountant, and my controller is Nigerian. I kept calling him “sir,” and he had to email me to start calling him by his first name.

And then there’s transportation. You have to plan your movement based on bus and train schedules. It’s not like CMS in Lagos, where you just jump into a yellow bus whenever you like.

What are your long-term plans now that you’re in Canada?

I’m focusing on growing my career and eventually switching into something new. I’m fine where I am, but I want to move up. I also want to bring my mum here. That’s a big part of my plan. If I’m not returning to Nigeria, I need to bring home with me. Maybe eventually, I’ll meet someone and settle down, but for now, I’m just taking life one day at a time.

Is there any chance you’ll move back to Nigeria?

No, hell no. I have no plans to move back. The best I can do is visit once in a while. I’m just counting down to the three years until I can get my Canadian citizenship. After that, maybe I’ll consider moving to another country, but definitely not back to Nigeria.

What are some perks of living in Canada?

The biggest perk is that the system works: Free healthcare, for instance. I went for a full-body checkup with my family doctor and didn’t pay anything. That same thing in Nigeria would’ve cost a fortune.

Here, you don’t need to kill yourself doing multiple jobs. Even blue-collar jobs are respected and pay well. Once you put in the work, you’ll see results. You’re not constantly fighting against the system like in Nigeria. The only person you’re competing with here is yourself.

On a scale of one to ten, how happy would you say you are in Canada?

It’s a solid 100. I feel like I’m living my answered prayers. Getting a passport, dealing with the crazy exchange rates, and not getting a job for six months was hard. I cried a lot. But not once did I regret moving. I always believed I’d get a job eventually, and I did.

Now, there’s nothing I want that I can’t plan for or afford. I can dream bigger. Things I couldn’t even think about back then, I can now confidently plan.

Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here. For new episodes of Abroad Life, check in every Friday at 12 PM (WAT).

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Get a free ticket to Strings Attached and enjoy a feel-good evening of music, dancing and games at Muri Okunola Park, Lagos on May 11, 2024.

We’re now in the month of Jesus’ birth and all the abroad boys and girlies will soon be making their way back to the country with one goal: Making their way back into your heart and pants. Say no to them.

Air their messages

It’s okay if they say you’re rude and disrespectful. Their opinions don’t matter; what’s important is that January 1st meets your heart intact in your chest.

Work through the break

If you have work to distract you, then you’ll have no time to see the innit boys and girls and fall prey to their schemes.

Clear them

Clear anybody that conveniently forgot you existed in the past 11 months, but have now remembered you in the 12th hour. Tell them you’re not interested in their fake love, and they can get lost.

Get in a temporary relationship

Yes, we know what they say about temporary solutions, but if the IJGB on your case sees a lover in your life, they might leave you alone and direct their gaze on someone else. It’s not foolproof because they might have “strong head” and take your fake relationship as a challenge, but you won’t know if you don’t try.

Bill them

It’s a win-win. They either run away and forget you exist or they fund your December. However it goes, you come out a winner.

Leave the country

Someone coming into Nigeria can’t reach you if you’re spending your holiday in another country now, can they? Pack your bags and make those plans today.

Fake an illness

We don’t know how you’ll explain that you’ve come down with a serious case of I-don’t-want-to-see-your-face-titis, but figure it out and get that IJGB off your back.

Of course, all these don’t apply to the IJGBs that refer to your mother as ‘mum’ and know your house address.

Christmas is just around the corner, and people are prepping their matching PJs and getting their photographers ready. But for some reason, you can’t stomach the thought of moving into the festive season with your current partner. We see and understand you. We also know how you can end that relationship so you can prepare for your soulmate.

Send “It’s over” veggies

We would say send flowers, but the dollar is on a steady rise;so is the price of fuel. So send a bouquet of ugwu, carrots, and scent leaves to show your appreciation for the love you shared.

It’s not me, it’s you

Instead of taking all the blame for the downfall of your relationship, tell them the truth: you had a great time together, but you can no longer deal with their bad character. If you return to your house soaked with water, charge it to the game.

“You deserve better.”

If they ask why you think so, refer them to your bank account. That should do the trick.

“I love okpa”

It’s the low-budget moimoi that’s out to get you. If you can’t even love yourself and choose better, how do they expect you to love them?

READ: 7 Types of People You Shouldn’t Date

Give them the ick

If all else fails, find whatever makes their skin crawl and act accordingly. Just don’t overdo it and end up becoming the creepy ex.

Japa

Tell them you’re leaving the country and you don’t believe in long-distance relationships. If they try to make you stay, report them to your mother as the weapon fashioned against you.

ALSO READ: 6 Ways To Break Up Without Hurting Your Feelings

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder”

Tell them you need a break because you want the love you share to grow and blossom like never before. If they don’t believe you, remind them that absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder.

Disclaimer: These are stand-alone tips. If you use them together, anything your eyes see, take it.

You might not have a boo for Burning Ram, but you’ll have all the eye candy and meat you desire.

You can try to deny it, but we all know this breakfast will touch everybody in the end. So instead of crying and just feeling miserable, try these fun things instead.

Go to the gym

And not only because you can put all your anger into getting a revenge body or get strong enough to fight your ex’s new partner. But with the number of people going to the gym nowadays, you may find your next love of life there.

Start a business

You may not even need capital for this business. Just take all the gifts they bought you, and the ones you bought for them too, and sell them online.

Date their family member

Find someone in their family and date them. If you can’t get their parents, go for their siblings. Because who says you can’t remain in the family just because one relationship didn’t work out?

Start a podcast

Everyone knows, the more chaotic a podcast, the more fun it is. So you’ll be sure to drag your partner and warn people about love. Maybe you’ll even blow in the process.

Attend an orgy

Because who’s going to stop you? You can now go out into the world and have all the sex you want without anything holding you back.

Become a musician

So many heartbreak songs, and you’re letting your pain go to waste? You better use your sense and cash out.

Research

Whether it’s finding books to read on how to be more wicked or the nearest coven in your area, do it. Because you can’t allow yourself to be a mumu twice.

Catfish your ex

You already know how this goes. Pretend to be someone else and wait till they’ve started to catch feelings before you ruthlessly dump them.

ALSO READ: 12 Ways to Know a Relationship That Will End in Tears

You need to step up your breakfast and wickedness game. Take this quiz and we’ll tell you how to break up with your partner.

When you get your heart broken, you’re convinced no pain on Earth can compete with how you feel. Sure, your heart feels like it’s been stabbed every time you take a deep breath, but trust us, there’s worse pain.

Missing your flight

You’d never physically and financially recover from this. Every time you’re broke, you’ll remember you paid money for a flight you could’ve caught if you were just a bit earlier. The pain will be engraved on your mind for as long as you live.

Having hot coffee spilt on you

If it’s a really hot cup of coffee, you might get third-degree burns. Exactly.

RELATED: QUIZ: How Immune to Heartbreak Are You

Taking a walk without your headphones

You decide to take a stupid walk for your mental health, and midway, you decide to listen to some nice music. That’s when you realise you left your headphones at home. The silence is so loud you feel shame and disgust. The walk ends up making your mental health even worse.

Ripping your dress in public

You’re feeling yourself and showing off your latest dance moves when your enemies decide to strike. Now, not only has whatever you’re wearing ripped, but you also remember you didn’t wear underwear that day.

RELATED: We Found the Songs Gen Zs Listen to After Heartbreak

Your hot jollof pouring on the floor

You’ve had a long day at work and you’re about to settle down to a hot plate of jollof rice with two pieces of meat. But once again, your village people take your joy personally and need to destroy it. How? By awakening your clumsy genes. Now, your jollof rice is all over the floor and your meat has rolled under your sofa, where you last saw your house rats hiding. You’re left hungry, angry and vengeful.

Your phone not charging overnight

On one of the few occasions the national grid hasn’t collapsed, you have light all through the night. You’re ecstatic because you have a long outing tomorrow and you need a full battery. By the time you wake up, your joy is short-lived. You forgot to put on the switch. Your phone? Dead. Power bank? Dead. Source of joy? Dead.

ATM swallowing your card

Life is hard enough, so why is an ATM becoming your biggest opp? And it’s your last 1k you wanted to withdraw. The Devil is working really hard.

Part of being in the streets is flirting with the idea of leaving and finding love, but never really doing it. If you’ve been saying “God when” since God-knows-when, come and catch your sub here.

But the moment you experience any of these nine things, know that your streets days are numbered.

You keep catching the bouquet at wedding parties

This should be your cue that it’s time to bounce. If you don’t leave the streets after catching at least three bouquets, whatever you see, just take it like that.

You cringe at romantic videos

If you ever feel like slapping the people in romantic videos, then maybe it’s because it’s biting your body and you can’t wait for somebody’s son to find you.

Your friends keep tagging you on posts about single people

But you shrug it off because that’s just the cost of keeping your peace of mind.

You keep saying “God when” to every love story you hear

Even when you know fully well that you’re the one doing this to yourself.

You’ve stopped saying “God When” because you know God has blocked you

Even God is tired of hearing your “God when” all the time.

You start catching feelings easily

You’re losing your touch, fam. You’ve done your part and it’s time to retire from the streets.

Your talking stages start lasting longer

Have you forgotten the “no commitments” rule? You don dey lose focus. Shey breakfast no dey fear you?

There’s no one left to go to the club with

Most of your folks are getting comfy with their partners but you’re outside with the last two remaining members of your crew, screaming, “We outside!” at 2 a.m.

When you finally take our advice and leave the streets for good

We’re not saying you won’t be back, but at least rest a little.

NEXT READ: The Streets Is a Terrible Place — and It’s Partly Your Fault

While we all like to think we remain bad bitches even in love, this simple quiz will separate those that break hearts and those that get their hearts broken.