Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old woman who mentally and physically prepared for her first sexual experience with her husband by reading books and using aphrodisiacs like Kayan Mata.
When did you first become curious about sex?
Secondary school. I think SS 1 or SS 2. You know that stage of your life where you’re more conscious of your body and all? That stage where you’ll be doing mumu love with a classmate who equally doesn’t have sense? Yup, that was the stage. Thankfully we weren’t bold enough to have sex.
So, what did you guys do?
We’d hide in class during break to kiss. It didn’t last because a new girl joined our class and the foolish boy changed seat and stopped talking to me. I can’t even blame him because the girl was really pretty and had fully matured. Unlike me that was still wearing a bra top in SS 2.
And then after secondary school, just before uni, I went on to have one boyfriend that wasn’t my age — he was about 24. I was 16, forming ‘big girl’ as per ‘straight outta secondary school’. In my mind, adult don set.
Wow. That’s a huge age discrepancy.
I’m glad the dude was sensible enough to not take advantage of my naivety. He wasn’t with me to just sleep with me. There were countless times after all the kissing and smooching that we did that he could have decided to have sex with me and I won’t have declined.
Was there a particular reason you waited that long to explore?
I think the main reason was my mum. I wasn’t religious until I got into uni, so it wasn’t even religion that held me back. I remember that whenever I was kissing my mumu lover in secondary school and he wanted to touch my breast, I’d remove his hand. It felt like my mum had the perfect image of my breast and if anybody touched it, she’d know.
So what happened with the older guy?
We scattered after I gained admission. I think gaining admission was the best thing for me. It was in school that I became more conscious of my religion and started to behave accordingly. It wasn’t fear of my mum anymore, it was fear of my creator.
How did you get serious with religion?
The thing started as a joke. My roommates didn’t know I was Muslim. So one time, they were teasing me that all the Muslims they know go to mosque to pray but they’d never seen me pray, not to talk of going to the mosque.
I felt bad because at home you dare not miss prayers. But in school I was doing anyhow. My head just realigned and I started praying, going to the mosque and learning more about my religion. Then I started covering too. It actually started off as a fashion choice.
So how did taking your faith seriously affect your sex life?
This question is sweet. Taking my faith seriously made me see the good side of sex in the right institution. I consciously read some Islamic books about sex and I was just in awe. It actually made me more relaxed and patient, knowing that once I get married, for every round of sex, I’m getting a reward.
You know when you’re doing something that is a sin, there’s this uncomfortable feeling you’ll have, but when you’re doing something that you enjoy and you know you’re still going to get rewarded for it? The bliss.
That’s an interesting way to look at it. Did you date anyone else in university?
In my second year in uni, I dated one Muslim dude. I thought we were on the same page. Turns out we weren’t. He wanted us to have sex (on a regular basis) till we finished school and could get married.
Omo, I dusted my slippers and picked race because what if I die before I graduate? Hellfire because of penis? Mo ya japa. I just told myself, I’m not doing any dating rubbish with anybody. If we want to marry ourselves, let us know and marry. No need to be smelling what you cannot taste.
So you didn’t date anyone for the rest of uni?
Nah. I had toasters oh. But I didn’t agree for anyone because I knew I wasn’t ready for marriage then and we can’t be following ourselves without the temptation of kissing and making out — na from clap dance dey start. So most of them just ended up being platonic friends and the ones that didn’t want friendship bounced.
Didn’t you feel tempted?
How won’t one feel tempted? When it’s not like you don’t have blood running through your veins. You’ve not done it before, you don’t know how it feels, but somehow you’re human and you imagine and think about it and what it would feel like. Sometimes it’s hormones during periods that mess you up. Other times, it is one random fine brother that you’ll just see on the road and you’ll be feeling funny.
What did you do when you felt tempted?
I fasted. Whenever I’m fasting my spirituality is on another level. I want to do more nawafil, I want to read more pages of the Qur’an and all so it just beats down the energy of thinking about sex or feeling tempted to do anything.
When I can’t fast (when I’m on my period) I just talk to my friends, we gist and laugh about it. Or I listen to lectures. Some people say the fear of hellfire is not good enough, but for me, I fear hellfire more than anything. The thought of it kept me going. And that’s how I didn’t have sex until I got married — six days after my wedding, actually.
Why did it take six days? I’d imagine you’d want to do it immediately.
Haha. I was seeing my period on my wedding day. But I was lowkey happy because I didn’t just want us to jump into the act so fast. Like one minute we could barely look into each other’s eyes and the next minute we’re already removing pant. So my period kinda gave us enough window to just chill and play first before the main show. But I was prepared! I’d read well enough and prepared my body; I was ready to explore and enjoy.
You know that feeling when you’ve been holding something in for so looooong and you can finally let go?
That was it.
What specific things did you do to prepare?
I changed my diet three months to the wedding. I ate a lot of libido boosting foods during the time. Then like a week to the wedding, I started eating goron tula. I bought different Kayan Mata stuff.
Didn’t you care that people portray these things as being evil?
Nope, because they’re not evil. Kayan Mata literally means ‘load of a woman’. Yes, some vendors are fetish and do bad stuff with Kayan Mata. But Kayan Mata isn’t meant to make your man love you more. Kayan Mata is not meant to make your man give you more money. Kayan Mata is also not meant to make your man stick to only you. Kayan Mata is meant to make you more pleasurable. They are herbs, spices, perfumes oils, creams and all that make it easy for you to enjoy sex while also pleasing your husband.
One of the things I used was a steaming stool. It is as the name implies: a stool you sit on while steaming your vagina. You can either steam with water or smoke. There’s a steaming incense you burn. The smoke from the incense helps remove unpleasant odors and reduce discharge. The spices and herbs inside the incense also helps to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and make it firm and tight. Then there’s this Tsimi drink that sets you in the mood and makes you horny. Then there’s ayu oil that is like a lubricant. It makes the sex more greasy and longlasting.
Basically, depending on your need and what you want from your sexual experience, there are different Kayan Mata products you can opt for.
Were you eating any specific kind of meals?
No. There were some ingredients I included in my diet, like ginger and garlic. I reduced sugar to the barest minimum and switched to honey. Then I ate a lot of pineapples, watermelon, cucumber, banana, tigernut and dates.
Did this help?
You know, I really can’t say if it helped or not because I hadn’t been sexually active prior to all that so I might not know if there was a difference in using those things. But if I’m to go by all the things I’d read about first time sex, or not enjoying sex for the first few months after marriage and all… then I can’t relate.
That means the first experience was lit?
Yup. I wanted intimacy to be more than sex. We both had to enjoy the act so I’d prepared my mind to make it as beautiful as possible and trust me, it was awesome! I can remember after the first time we had sex, I was just smiling like a fool and he kept asking me why I was smiling. I couldn’t even properly put the feeling into words but I know I was genuinely happy
That’s so beautiful
There’s this book I’d read. ‘5 Sex Needs Of Men And Women’ That book opened my eyes to a lot of things, beyond the physical aspects of intimacy, I knew what my husband’s needs were and I communicated mine to him as well. After all the rough play I went and fell inside pregnancy.
But on a serious note, I think pregnancy just gave me a wider playing ground. As opposed to other stories I’ve heard of pregnancy affecting the sex lives of women, mine is the opposite. Before I got pregnant, sex was like four times a week. And then the long period breaks. But with this pregnancy… with no period or any bastard cramps… Omo! If we have sex only six times a week it’s because I’m being kind enough to pity the man. Otherwise it’s all seven days in the week straight!
I won’t even lie. I like and enjoy sex a lot. A whole lot. And I’m just glad I have a husband that is equally up to it. He makes my happiness his core and that is what I feel every man should do because, naturally it is easy for them to hump in three minutes, arrive in one second and be satisfied. But for women it’s not that fast.
An actual mood. People think that because you’re religious you shouldn’t enjoy sex.
Big lie! Infact apart from anal, which is explicitly haram. You and your spouse can try all the styles in the world! So why shouldn’t you enjoy it? Abegi.
Now that you’re married and pregnant, how often do you use aphrodisiacs?
Apart from my regular honey, pineapple, watermelon, cucumber, banana, tigernut, dates, I only take goron tula or any other one when I feel like it. It could be once in a month sef.
The thing is once you’ve successfully gotten used to eating all these things that are natural libido boosters, your body is already adjusted and whether or not you take aphrodisiacs, you’re always set for action. But there are some other things I just naturally follow. For example, I don’t walk barefooted in the house because I believe there’s a connection between the vagina and the feet. I always use warm water to wash up because using cold water to wash up kills your sex drive gradually.
With the way I’m wired now, aphrodisiacs or not, sex for me is always a hit back to back.
How did you even discover aphrodisiacs in the first place?
This internet o. And then there’s this group I’m on where they talk about everything from searching for a life partner, to child bearing and all. So we learn a lot.
Do you think your sex life would have been different if you didn’t discover aphrodisiacs?
I don’t think so. It’ll still be the same. I’ll still like sex very very well. From the time I decided to keep myself from having sex till marriage, I’d consciously told myself that I wanted to enjoy having sex as much as I enjoy eating food.
So I think I was psychologically prepared to just do whatever to have fun while at it. Even if there’s nothing to boost your sex drive, I believe with the right emotions, a spouse you find attractive, and an open mind, you can actually have a fulfilling sex life without aphrodisiacs. Aphrodisiacs would just be like the frosting on the cake for you. Some cakes taste even better without frosting.
Haha. Now that’s the quote of the year. Do you think your sex life will change after having your baby?
Nope. I don’t think so. Maybe frequency would reduce because there might not be so much time, but ain’t no baby stopping my shine in the bedroom. In fact, I’ve stocked up on enough condoms just in case we’re scared of falling pregnant again when the baby is barely a month old.
I’ve heard a lot of people say ‘sex would be the last thing on your mind when you have a child’. ‘You’ll be overwhelmed with caring for your baby.’ ‘You won’t enjoy it because you’ll be thinking of your baby,’ etc. But I’ve already started telling myself otherwise. Yes, caring for your child can be overwhelming but I won’t neglect myself. It is so easy to totally forget about yourself when you have a child because your whole world revolves around that child but I’m not going to neglect myself in my instinct to meet my baby’s needs. Self-sacrifice is a beautiful and noble thing but all things are best in moderation. Neglecting myself would not be good for me or for my baby. So as long as I need to eat well to be able to breastfeed, I also need to have sex to relax my nerves so that I can be a better mum
Sissss. You’re preaching. Last question – how would you rate your sex life?
10/10. Even though marriage has its ups and downs — there are some things that we disagree on sometimes — but that sex part of marriage? We’re super hyped! I pray that several years from now with more children and more responsibilities, we’d be happier than we are now with our sex life.