Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 33-year-old gay man, who started out dating only women until he was 20. Then he dated men and women until he was 27. Now, he exclusively dates men.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was 14 going on 15. We had a househelp in her 20s, and she came on to me. It initially started off as just playing around, but then she began to touch me. I remember being afraid to feel what I was feeling, but I knew I liked it.
From touching me, she began to dry hump me. Then she eventually started giving me head, and that’s how I had my first-ever orgasm. After that, we moved on to penetrative sex. This lasted for about a year.
Damn. How did it end?
My mum eventually found out. Turns out she was sleeping with pretty much everyone — me, my brothers, the driver and a cousin who was living with us. So, understandably, my mum sent her home.
How did that experience affect you?
To be honest, I don’t consider it to be a traumatic event. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I began to process the fact that I didn’t and couldn’t consent to it, so it was technically sexual assault. But I didn’t see it like that when it was happening.
I don’t even harbour any animosity towards her. I just never saw it as something that was taken from me. I know how victims of sexual assault typically react, but I didn’t have that reaction. Even now, while I agree it was terrible, it’s not something that weighs on me.
So, when did you have consensual sex for the first time?
After that experience, there were a couple of girls in my neighbourhood, but we mostly just made out. I was 17 the first time I consented to penetrative sex. It was with a girl I met at a party. I was a bit nervous, but it felt good.
As odd as this might sound, it still wasn’t as good as sex with the househelp. She was always a bit adventurous — willing to try many different things — but the one I met at the party just lay there and left me to do all the work.
So, what’s your sex life like now?
Well, I’m 33 now and I’ve finally realised that I’m a gay man. I’ve gone through the motions, transitioning from identifying as heterosexual to identifying as bisexual to finally coming into my own as a homosexual.
Currently, I’m not having a lot of sex, and it’s not for lack of opportunities. I just think I peaked in my mid-20s, so I’m chilling right now. I’m also seeing someone, which is cool. And let’s not forget Lagos traffic, which always gets in the way of sex.
Woah. That’s a journey. When did you first realise you were into guys?
To be honest, it’s always been there. When I was growing up, I was fascinated by boys, but I didn’t understand what it was. When I was in primary school, there was a really cute boy that I was drawn to.
One day, I gave him my sandwich and he gave it to a girl in our class. I was devastated. In retrospect, I realise that it was because I had a crush on him that I was so pained. I also remember watching a Delta soap ad and honing in on a really cute light-skinned guy in it.
When was the first time you explored this attraction?
I went to a cybercafe when I was 21, and I was browsing through a Yahoo chat room. Then I discovered a ‘Men’s Lounge’, and out of curiosity, I joined. After a while, someone asked if there was anyone in his city, which just happened to be where I was.
My heart immediately started racing, because I instinctively knew what was happening. So, I responded to him, we moved to a private chat and made plans to meet up. I was so nervous that I bailed on him like six times.
Anyway, we finally met and had sex. Honestly, it was like I was seeing the world clearly for the first time. It felt so good that I cried. We kept hooking up for a while, but he eventually moved to another country. After that, I continued hooking up with other men.
Were you still hooking up with women at this point?
Yeah. Actively. When I was in uni I had a couple of girlfriends, but they would always complain that I never had enough time for them. It was tough. At one point, I had two girlfriends and a boyfriend, and they were all very serious relationships.
Did any of your girlfriends know that you swung both ways?
I can’t say for certain, but I think one of them did. The thing is, I kind of got outed by a classmate. She borrowed my phone to text her brother, and she ended up going through some of my risky messages.
She didn’t waste time spreading the gist around her hostel. Eventually, it got to my girlfriend and she confronted me about it. I obviously denied it, but even though she never brought it up again, I don’t think she fully believed me.
So, what happened with all these relationships?
They lasted for a while, and I’m still not sure how I pulled that off. Anyway, as time passed, I started getting disinterested in being with women. So, when I got invited to one of my ex-girlfriends’ traditional wedding, I ended up sleeping with the groom and her brother.
Well, when I got to her village, I first spotted her brother. Gay people tend to recognise each other, and that’s what happened in our case. When I settled, he brought me food and we started talking.
After we got a bit more comfortable, he invited me to his room. I already knew where it was heading, and I went along with it. Immediately I got to his room, he closed the door and started kissing me. So, we had sex and it was great.
What about the groom?
The day before the wedding, there was a little party. The groom was dancing and his outfit ripped. I had a small sewing kit with me, so I offered to help him fix it. That’s how we started talking.
That night, he started texting me and asked me to come over to his hotel. I told him that I didn’t know my way around, so he sent his driver to come and get me — a move I thought was really wild for someone who was getting married the next day.
Woah. Did your ex know?
Nah. She never found out. After the wedding, the groom reached out on Facebook. He still wanted to keep in touch, but I felt really guilty. I mean, they are still together, so I guess it all worked out. He probably found other guys to hook up with on the low.
I actually have no words. Did you actually enjoy sleeping with women?
Very much. I really enjoy both, but for different reasons. A woman having an orgasm is completely different from a man having one. With men, it’s a bit restrained, but with women, it’s like an unleashing.
For me, I feel better and more accomplished when I’m able to make a woman come. It’s almost way too easy to make a man orgasm. So, yeah, I really enjoyed it, and in some ways, I still enjoy it.
But you no longer identify as bisexual?
Yeah. I mean, a lot of my friends still think I’m bisexual. For example, I don’t like watching gay porn. I prefer straight porn. But I don’t think that matters. No one else gets to decide my identity for me. I’ve said I’m a gay man, and everyone will just have to deal.
So, you haven’t slept with a woman since?
Well, since I turned 27, I’ve only dated men, but there have been a few slip-ups. I tend to occasionally hook up with women when I’m on holiday abroad, but ordinarily, I think that ship has sailed.
Was there a particular moment that made you decide to stop seeing women?
Over the years, I began noticing I was getting less interested in women, but, yeah, there was a moment that pushed me over the edge. I was seeing a guy at the time, and he tried to convince me to marry his sister so we could be in each others’ lives without suspicion.
I was so unbelievably repulsed by the idea. That’s when I realised I didn’t want to be one of those guys that marries a woman and is still sneaking around with men. So, I just began to detach from women altogether.
That makes sense. So, after all these experiences, what’s your opinion of sex?
As surprising as this may sound after everything I’ve said, I’m actually pretty conservative about sex — blame catholic guilt. I believe that sex is private and should just be between two people. For example, I’ve never been in an orgy or had a threesome, and I never will.
Also, I feel like for me (and a lot of people my age), there’s this ‘been there, done that’ mentality. So, sex is no longer something that gets me super excited. I mean, I still love it, but it’s not the most important thing when I’m talking to a guy.
How do you typically meet guys?
When I was younger, it was all about the apps. Eventually, a lot of these apps became the ghetto. They were filled with a lot of garbage men.
There were also security concerns. The apps were getting infiltrated by the police. I’ve actually lost count of the number of times I’ve had to go bail a friend who got set up by the police on one of these apps. So, I don’t use them, except when I’m abroad.
Now, I mostly meet men organically. I have an amazing network of friends, and we host really fun dinner parties and game nights. Social media is also a really great tool for meeting men, especially Instagram and Twitter (with a burner account, of course).
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Based on frequency, I’d give it a 5. I’m not having sex as much, but I’m not complaining. Life happens. I’m busy and the person I’m seeing is very busy too, so we don’t get to see each other very often.
Based on quality, however, I’d give it a 9.5. When I do have sex, it’s usually really amazing. At this stage of my life, I know exactly what works for me; I completely understand my body. So, yeah, I’m in a really good place right now.
Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. Catch up on older stories here.