Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old heterosexual woman who feels she’s been lucky to have good sex since she got married. She talks about how she went from having only clitoral orgasms to exploring sex positions and discovering other kinds of orgasms.
When was your first sexual experience?
When I was 18, I made out with a guy in my class. We were studying at night in school, then we went to the back of the building to “talk”. One thing led to another and we started making out. It wasn’t planned at all.
You had never done anything sexually before this?
Never. I am a Christian and in my dad’s church, we were told sex is bad. They didn’t say that premarital sex was bad. They said sex was wrong generally.
My dad felt this way too and would actually flare up if he saw me talking to a guy. He was super protective, so I was very sheltered. It didn’t help that I didn’t grow up with my mum. I didn’t have anyone to ask any questions I had about sex. So I really didn’t have the chance to explore until university.
What was the experience like?
I think it was a great first kiss. I felt things I had never felt before and really couldn’t wait to do more.
What happened after making out?
In my head, I thought he had a crush on me because we made out and so, I became obsessed with him and couldn’t wait for him to ask me to be his girlfriend. That never happened though we made out six times after. I eventually found out he was talking to one of my friends and later that year, they had started dating. I was so heartbroken by the entire thing, I made up my mind to wait for marriage. I wasn’t going to kiss anyone until my wedding day.
How did that work out?
I failed in some ways. Throughout uni, I stopped making out. Although one day, a male friend came to my hostel and we pecked each other. I stopped it from going further because I hadn’t learned how to distance my emotions from sexual urges, so I told him no.
After university, I started going to a church where I was taught that sex wasn’t wrong, premarital sex was the problem. So when I started dating my first boyfriend, I let go of my rule and started making out. Unfortunately, he wanted to have sex, and I was like no, I’m not having sex until I get married. The relationship didn’t last.
Welp. What happened next?
I dated someone else, and it was the same thing. He wanted sex. I wouldn’t have even had sex with him because the first time he pecked me, his mouth was stinking. I just said, nah, I can’t do this, so I broke up with him.
I had this aunt who was divorced. She was always asking me about having a boyfriend and marriage. It was mostly banter, but the fact that she considered me adult enough to have a boyfriend when my dad felt I still shouldn’t be talking to boys made me feel like I could talk to her about anything including men and sex.
How old were you?
I think I had just turned 21. I asked her about sex, and she told me it’s a good thing and when I start having it, I’ll even get tired of it.
She also said it was one of the things that caused her divorce. She didn’t go into details, but she kind of inferred that he felt more comfortable exploring his sexual desires with other women and not her. So basically, he was cheating on her and giving her substandard sex.
She told me never to settle when it comes to sex, and that it was okay to be crazy in bed, as long as it was with my husband. She said that was what would keep my husband from cheating on me. I was like, okay.
I found it interesting that though she felt my enjoyment was important, she still made it a thing about pleasing my husband.
What happened after the conversation?
I started reading about the female body online, just to prepare myself and come equipped when it was time. I also read a lot of articles about women who had had bad sex all their life and was a bit scared, but I was determined never to have bad sex. This was hard because I was still determined to wait till marriage before having sex.
About a year later, I started dating someone new. I told him about waiting till marriage and he said that was his plan as well. I was a bit sceptical about that because I just felt he was going to cheat on me while we were waiting to get married.
Not that I know and nothing ever indicated that. I actually need to learn trust. This, however, didn’t mean we didn’t talk about sex. We talked about it a lot, as much as we’d talk about money or our love for each other.
So you never had sex or got tempted to?
We eventually did before we got married. It wasn’t a mistake if I am being honest. We believed that since we were certain we would get married, we could do it anyway. We got a hotel and had sex. Was it lit? Yes it was. It was the most amazing experience in the world. I actually had an orgasm — my first orgasm.
I was so excited, that I didn’t pee after sex or think about pregnancy — we didn’t use a condom. The next day, I was peeing frequently and went to get tested. I had a UTI. I was so scared and believed that this was God’s punishment for having sex. I also started thinking I was pregnant. Any small change in my diet or nausea, and I would start panicking.
Did you talk to him about this?
Yeah. We had a conversation about it, and as soon as I could, I got a pregnancy test and did STD tests. I was clean, thankfully.
He sha said we had to talk to our pastor about it and just come clean. We did, even though I was really reluctant.
Why did you have to tell your pastor?
Accountability, so that it wouldn’t happen again. She was also our marriage counsellor and so it just made sense to tell her. I also needed to get rid of the mindset that God had punished me for having sex, when it was all in my head. Talking to her cleared that.
Were you bothered about it happening again?
We both were. We both enjoyed sex a lot. I personally couldn’t wait to have sex. I was willing to go to the registry that same month, just so we could get married and start having sex, so we definitely needed accountability, or else, we’d be having sex every other day.
When did you eventually get married?
After about two years together, we got married and finally could have all the sex we wanted.
I was having really good sex when we first got married. I would orgasm once during sex and would be completely happy and satisfied that I was having good sex in marriage.
Then one day, three years in, we travelled for our first ever vacation. We were having sex and I had multiple orgasms at once. I asked myself, ah, body, so you can do this?
Haha. Was he doing something different?
Yes. So at the start of our marriage, I was very specific about the kind of sex that made me come — missionary. It was the sex position that we used the very first time we had sex before marriage. I wasn’t open to experimenting or trying any irregular styles that would make me work hard. As long as we both could come from missionary and doggy, I was fine.
However, during the trip, we tried cowgirl and that was when we had multiple orgasms. It was annoying to admit that the sex position was a factor because my husband had been trying to get us to try different positions for a long time and me I’m lazy, even though I want the best for my sex life. In fact, I think that I was just lucky to be coming alone from missionary. I think I also lowkey believed some of these other sex styles were sinful based on things I had heard growing up. I don’t think it was just my laziness.
Did you explore more?
Yes, I opened up to exploring more.
I didn’t know that I was capable of having anything other than clitoral orgasms, until I went and did more research. And soon, I was having vaginal orgasms and anal orgasms.
I started working out just so that I could become more active in bed. I read somewhere that it helps and so far, it has helped me become comfortable with other sex positions. My current favourite is reverse cowgirl. I can come seven times in a session and that’s my bad day
Lit. So how would you rate your sex life?
I’m tempted to say 15 over 10, but I wonder if it can actually get any better. Based on my experience, I’m inclined to believe that it will actually get better and I’m here for that.