Sex Life: I Was Celibate For Nearly A Decade

February 27, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 39-year-old heterosexual man who was celibate for almost a decade before he got married. He talks about his wild sexual past and how he thinks that might be stopping him from fully enjoying married sex.  

What was your first sexual experience? 

I didn’t know anything about sex until I was 15 or so. Growing up, I thought sex was a thing where married adults lay in bed together and a few months later, the woman was pregnant. I was a really slow kid. 

It didn’t help that I didn’t have a lot of friends and am an only child. Even with the changes that happened in my body from around the time I was 12, I didn’t think about sex. I was only interested in video games and reading. However, when I turned 15, my mum died and my dad sent me to a boarding school far from home. That’s when the horrors started. 

I’m sorry about your mum. What horrors? 

My boarding school was great in terms of amenities. However, the people were awful. It was a mixed boarding school, but senior boys would do all kinds of things to junior boys. Of course, none of it was consensual. It was about wielding power more than it was about sex. That was when I actually saw sex and was mortified by it. 

Did this in anyway affect your sex life then?

Yes. If I was a normal boy, I would have been making out and having sex with any and every girl, as most of my classmates were doing. But I wasn’t normal back then, and what I had seen —  boys molesting young boys — made me hate sex. So I stayed away from it for the most part. I was only there for two years. In my final year in secondary, however, I started seeing someone. 

What was that like? 

It was mostly a sexless relationship . She pretty much made me her boyfriend. It was good because we  had applied to the same university and planned to be together even then. We even planned to get married. She was waiting for marriage to have sex, that’s why we didn’t do anything. However, during the time period where we were waiting to hear back about our applications, I started visiting often and one time, we had sex.

How did that happen? 

We were just hanging out, and I had an erection, which she noticed. She knew I didn’t have any experience with sex, so she made the first move. She was my first kiss and pretty much everything else. 

What was the sex like?

I don’t even like to think or talk about it, and it’s not that it was bad. It was actually a great first sexual experience. It was just that when it was over, she regretted the decision and was quite repulsed that we did it. She started crying and sent me out of the house. It was devastating because that was the last I heard from her. I saw her a while back, and we talked about it. We’re cool now. 

So what happened next? 

That experience opened me up to sex, and I basically abandoned all the other things I enjoyed doing to immerse myself in the experience and pleasure of sex. Sex was on my mind 24/7. 

My dad, who was still mourning, didn’t have my time. So I was doing everything under his nose. Sneaking in girls, reading porn magazines, masturbating. I didn’t have to do much to hide it. That entire period of time was a mess. Sex was like food. 

How did you find the people you were sleeping with? 

Friends from school, family friends and neighbours. I had one consistent partner who was a family friend. She was a year older and would come over every morning to drop food that her mum sent down for us. 

Before she left, we’d have sex, or at the very least, make out. I wasn’t even practicing safe sex.  A few days before I got my admission letter, my uncle — my dad’s younger brother —  came over and kind of caught on that I was having sex. He’s a pastor, so he was livid, but he didn’t tell my dad about it. 

He gave me a very long talk about abstaining and not destroying my life. Everything entered from one ear and came out through the other. He stayed until I left for school and, even at that, I was still sneaking around to have sex. The day before I was to travel for school, he gave me some condoms and gave me money specifically for condoms. He emphasized the need to practice safe sex and told me not to get anyone pregnant.

Were you enjoying the sex you were having? 

Yes, but I was also really slow in learning how to please women. That one took years. When I think about it, I wonder why some of these girls stuck around when it wasn’t like I was giving them premium sex. 

What was uni like? 

Sex overload. I knew I had to be serious with my studies, so I read and studied during the week with the understanding that my weekends were dedicated to having sex. I had a crush on someone and she was hinting at a relationship, but I didn’t want to be in a relationship, especially after what happened with my first babe. So, I kept on having sex with anyone that would let me. 

Do you know how many people you had sex with during university? 

I wasn’t counting, but I remember that I used to feel good about myself because for the most part, I had two or three consistent partners, with one new person every other month. I felt safe. 

What happened after university? 

If I was an animal in university, I became a beast after university. I had money to spend on women because I had a good job. I believe I might have been addicted to sex because I really just wanted to have sex all the time. 

At work, I would be thinking about how I couldn’t wait to get home and have sex. 

Did this change at any point? 

Yes. I eventually started dating someone, and I had to put my desires in check. She was into sex, but not just to the same degree that I was. I really liked her, so I was willing to do anything. 

Full disclosure, she was my colleague at work, so we used to have sex in the office a lot, even though office dating was forbidden. It was through sex with her that I became better at pleasing women. 

Wow. Like how old were you?

In my mid-twenties. It was great sex too. She eventually broke up with me. You know all those stories you hear about people finding out their partners were getting married through Instagram or Twitter? My case was almost similar. She went for her introduction with another colleague, a more senior colleague. 

I found out a few days later at work when people were whispering about it. She had told me that she was going to visit her grandmother oh. I confronted her, and she said I never officially asked her to be my girlfriend, that all we had was sex. 

It pained me because I really liked her. But honestly, I actually didn’t ask her to be my girlfriend. Yes, we went on dates and had sex and I bought her things, but I had never called her my girlfriend or asked her to be my girlfriend. I really didn’t know that was how it worked. 


I only lasted a few months in the office. This experience plunged me further into sex and another vice: alcohol. I was having sex everyday with everyone. I’m pretty shocked that I didn’t get a viral infection or something. 

I couldn’t get another job after I quit that job. For someone who’s always been smart and kind of successful, I couldn’t recognise this version of myself. This was nearly 10 years ago, nobody was talking about therapy. At least no one in my circle. My uncle took me to his church and they prayed for me. I don’t know that the prayers work, but the fact that it even had to happen was a wakeup call for me. 

After this, my uncle tried to counsel me but I didn’t listen. I was still having sex and drinking, although I knew this wasn’t normal. Anyway, I got a job with my uncle’s friend and it was around that period I decided to become celibate and get my life together. 

Why did you decide to go celibate? 

Well, something happened in the office. There was some accusation that someone had stolen money. I was the new guy and everyone was claiming this had never happened. So, while they didn’t say anything, I knew they were pointing fingers at me and would tell my uncle’s friend that I was the one. 

Omo, I went to my uncle crying that I can’t go to jail and all of that. Lol. At first, he was like, why would I take advantage of his help, then he went, “See what I have gotten myself into”. Basically, he was convinced I actually stole the money. A whole lot of money. 

I did everything I could to convince him, and he was like, “Am I now ready to become responsible?” Long story short: I got saved and decided to never have sex again. It was a pledge: God get me out of this wahala and I’ll never have sex again. 

Of course that’s not how it works, but that’s where my celibacy journey began. 

Before going back to sex, how was the money issue resolved?

It never was. It just died down and six months later, I was out of there. Got a better job. I sha believe it was God that saved me. Because everyone was convinced, based on how reckless I was, that it was me that stole the money. 

Okay, back to sex. How were you able to stay celibate? 

Well, I had to research on how to become celibate. At first, I couldn’t. There was this babe I was sleeping with and she really wasn’t taking no for an answer. She would come over and seduce me and we’d have sex. But once I reduced the number of times I was having sex and the number of people I was having sex with, it was easy to become celibate. 

How long were you celiabte for? 

Seven or eight years. 

Wow. Did you date anyone during this time? 

A whole lot. But some either couldn’t stand the celibacy or it just didn’t click. When I met my wife, I knew she was the one. 

How did you meet? 

Social media actually. Our first few dates were not physical or in secluded places because I didn’t even want the thought of sex to enter my head. It would have been easy to say, since we’re getting married, let’s just have sex. It was like that up until we got married. 

What’s married sex like? 

Before we got married, I told my wife everything about my sex life, just to make sure we were on the same page. A lot of people — especially religious folks —  have judged me for my sexual history. 

Anyway, with that in mind, I told her I didn’t want to rush into it and wanted to ease into it. She was okay with that. So when we started sex, it could be once or twice in an entire month. She’s into aphrodisiacs and loves sex a lot, so there was a lot of sexual compatibility to work through. 

But now, I think we are fully on the same page. It took years to get here sha. We understand each other’s bodies and enjoy sex quite regularly. Let’s say three times a week on a good week. And it’s not sarewagba sex — although we do that. We’re very intentional about our sexual experience. 

That’s great. How would you rate your sex life? 

Maybe 7. And my wife knows this. I think I need therapy to unpack some of the dark stuff I went through in my 20s. It’s just a feeling that the experiences I had may be limiting me from enjoying my full sex life. You know that feeling when you know you can be doing better? That’s where I am. 

What’s stopping you from getting therapy? 

Honestly, I don’t know. But when I’m ready, I’ll know. 

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Love life: Sandra and Opeyemi
March 17, 2022

Ope, 30, & Sandra, 27, dated for a year & 7 months before getting married. In today’s #ZikokoLoveLife, they talk about starting a relationship in the DMs, a horrible first date at Ope’s house & why their close friends found out they were getting married on Twitter.


Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

December 11, 2019

In the past month, we’ve made quizzes that guessed the last time you had sex, how many people you’ve slept with, and just how good you are in bed. For our latest attempt, we will use your taste in Nigerian music from the 2010s to ascertain what you’re like in bed. Take to find out:

April 3, 2020

While the rest of the world loves to treat our continent like a country, there are actually 54 African countries. So, in a bid to test your knowledge (and educate you), we’ve created a quiz to see how many of their capitals you can correctly name. Go ahead:

April 1, 2020

Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:

October 29, 2019

We are going to be attempting to guess when you’ll marry based on your favourite Nigerian foods. What does your fave swallow have to do with when you’ll tie the knot? Please, don’t ask complicated questions. This quiz is rigorous and accurate (don’t quote us), so just take it already. QUIZ: Why Do You Have […]

November 27, 2019

Do you have a face that could make angels jealous, or should you really be walking around with a nylon bag over your head so you don’t scare children? Well, this quiz is here to answer that by telling you exactly how good-looking you are. Take and find out: 11 Quizzes For People Who Aren’t […]

More from Ships

November 22, 2022

Among the things Douglas* wished for on his 24th birthday, finding love was not one of them. When he met Susie* in 2021, everything seemed right, even though she’s an unemployed student. But she agreed to date him if he promised not to treat her as his dependant.

November 17, 2022

The subjects of this week’s love life, Isoken* (19) and Dami* (21), met at a tutorial centre in 2020. They talk about why she turned him down the first three times he asked her out, lying to her parents about their relationship and dealing with their religious differences. 


Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

September 13, 2022
Vs The World is a Zikoko original video series that follows best friends Astor and Hassan as they take on the world.
August 23, 2022
Zikoko Ships is a Zikoko Original series where we invite two people who share a relationship to play the Zikoko card games
December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.