From the dates to the lines, sex, ups and downs and everything in between, the 40+ Anonymous monthly series covers the dating life of our 40+ anonymous writer.
My bum is the type you see first before you see the owner. What’s unique about it is that it’s accompanied by wide hips and a considerably smaller waist. “Unique?!” I hear you, my reader, laughing. At least it was ten years ago before Dr. 90210 opened up shops on every street corner — original follow come.
“Follow come” is Nigerian Pidgin English for accessories that come with a brand-new product. But when used to describe body parts in the 21st century, it means “God-given”, as opposed to surgically enhanced.
Back to my ten-year-old story, and a beach party I attended with my then-boyfriend. It was there that I realised that not all bums are created equal. I met a lady whose bum and hip-to-waist ratio made me look like a prepubescent boy. She was quite popular on the blogs for fighting and drama. As a regular 9-5er, I was fascinated and somewhat horrified by her. She came with her own boyfriend, who was extremely quiet. I remember thinking this woman would eat him for breakfast and went back to minding my business.
Fast forward a year, after I had chopped breakfast of the heartbreak variety, I decided to take the heartbreak hot body route as opposed to crying into mounds of amala every night. I ran five miles every morning and another five miles every night. It was during one of those nightly runs that I ran into (let’s call her “Lady B”) Lady B’s boyfriend.
“I know you,” he said, cocking his head to the side like he was trying to remember where from. I never forget a face. “Or a bum,” my mind silently interjected. However, I remained silent as I watched him try to place me and keep up with my pace as I continued jogging.
“The beach!” he exclaimed. I nodded.
“You were there with your girlfriend,” I replied.
“She’s no longer in the picture,” he said.
“Does she know that?” I said, half-laughing but dead serious.
“She’s moved on as well,” he responded, side-stepping my jab about his fierce girlfriend.
“What about that young boy you were always following? Has that one scattered too?” he asked.
“That one has scattered as well,” I replied.
We both laughed.
And that’s how we went from two strangers to friends who jogged together every night. I later found out this man detested jogging. He’d go to an intense boot camp early in the evening then come back and still jog with me, just to spend time together.
But this story isn’t about our love, although that, too, eventually scattered. It’s about “follow come”.
As I got to know this guy, I marveled at how great a catch he seemed to be: smart, intelligent, patient, successful (C-Suite at a multinational) and laid back. I couldn’t reconcile him with the woman he dated before me — a girl who fought in clubs and ended up on gossip blogs.
I’d often ask, “What did you guys have in common?”
He’d shrug his shoulders and change the subject.
But it bothered me because there was one obvious similarity between Lady B and me: a big bum and small waist. But can someone be so fixated on a physical trait that they disregard everything else?
I couldn’t let this thought go because I was afraid of what it said about the depth of our relationship. Was he looking for love or just a nice body? Now, don’t get me wrong, you can have love and a nice body, but the latter shouldn’t be the priority.
Our relationship progressed, and one year in, he invited me over to meet his mum. The usual anxiety kicked in — would she like me, what should I bring, and so on. The day came, and we went to meet his mother.
When I arrived, his mum — who was 80 years old at the time — was in the kitchen cooking up a storm. The kitchen had a hole in the wall connecting it to the living room. She waved me away when I asked if she needed help and engaged in conversation as she moved about the kitchen.
A petite woman, no taller than 5’3″, I could just about see her head through the opening in the wall. She laughed, joked and teased us as well as the maid who was helping her. I couldn’t help but think, “No wonder this man is so great; his Mama is amazing.”
About 30 minutes later, Mama emerged from the kitchen and announced that she would freshen up and give us some privacy. As she turned away, there was no mistaking it — the original “follow come” bum and small waist.
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