I’m not the biggest fan of fashion reviews, but since Nollywood has refused to let me rest, I’ll do my best to call out the criminal fashion moments. Let’s start with the Africa Magic Viewers Choice Awards (AMVCAs) red carpet that went down this past weekend. While I was blown away by outfits like Denola Grey’s and Stargirl Erica’s, there were so many other questionable looks that had me confused.
Let’s get into it, yuh!
13. Toyin Lawani aka Tiannah Styling
We all pray that affliction will not rise again, but somehow, Toyin Lawani never fails to rise from the ashes like an insanely-dressed phoenix — or in this case, salah ram. I truly miss the days of hot Illuminati conspiracy theories because this dress would’ve made all the Illuminati believers foam at the mouth in excitement. You just have to stan her consistency, though. Just when we think it can’t get worse, she raises the bar. Iconic.
12. Ifuennada from Big Brother Naija
I didn’t want to talk about Tiannah before, but I can’t hold it back anymore. What is this? This Junior Waec fine art project allegedly cost $100,000 (roughly ₦56,000,000) and honestly, I want to fight. Because, how? How, sis? Ifuennada has said that we’re stupid and don’t understand her high fashion lewk because we’re broke. Well, if this is fashion, I’d like to remain dumb.
11. James Brown
Tell me you just finished binging Bridgerton without telling me you just finished binging Bridgerton. I absolutely love the Princess of Africow, but this look is not giving what she thought it was giving. Sorry Jameson Featherington, this regency era colonizer fit is not it.
10. Simi Drey
In this heat? Someone needs to ask Ikeja Kim Kardashian the motive behind this look because I’m genuinely concerned. The worst part is not the weird peplum or strange embellishments, it’s the shoes and leggings/socks combo. Imagine dressing like a Mount Zion movie’s version of Satan just to wear choir shoes. I can’t even.
9. Denrele Edun
Denrele, I love you, but even God rested on the seventh day. Abeg, rest.
8. Belinda Effa
I was wondering why this dress looked familiar. But then I remembered those children’s birthday cakes that have a barbie doll in the middle, and it all made sense. How does the song go again? “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world, Lagos traffic—it’s hectic.”
7. Pretty Mike
Another MET Gala thief. If I said I didn’t live for Pretty Mike’s theatrics, I’d be a liar and a detty bitch! This guy made a Lagos version of Alicia Keys’ MET Gala outfit, threw a bedside lamp on his head and brought a baby goat with him to the red carpet. It’s so bad, it’s actually good. Pretty Mike looked camp in the eye when he put this Power Ranger villain costume on. Definitely the male version of Toyin Lawani for sure.
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6. Adedimeji and Bimpe Lateef
Tiannah, the evil you have done, is it not enough? This outfit looks like a tie and dye bathing sponge and is upsetting me and my homegirls. Her husband actually looks good, but if marriage is truly for better and for worse, he must bear this cross too. You can’t slay and allow your wife to look like she fell in a pot of purple watercolour. This is why you can’t trust men.
5. Niyi Lawal
I’m not sure why this outfit is not working for me, but I know my spirit is unsettled. Can he breathe properly? I’m so concerned. Alexa, please play Waiting to Exhale by Whitney Houston.
4. Caroline or Carolyna Hutchings
Now that she’s kidnapped, dyed and sewn all the mosquito nets in Nigeria to her outfit, how are we supposed to fight malaria as a country? Carolyna, these are the things you should think about. We all love drama on the red carpet, but like Davido said, “Caroline, save your drama, I don’t need it for the soap opera.”
3. Emmanuel from Big Brother Naija
Subzero meets Mask of Zorro. This outfit would’ve been killer if he didn’t attach that transparent batman cape or the mask. Nigerian men can never stay in the middle. It’s either they’re doing too much on the red carpet or giving nothing at all.
2. Timini Egbuson
This is giving British secondary school head boy, and I can’t move past it. Why is everyone dressing like they were invited to the MET Gala or a Bridgerton audition?
1. Ebuka Obi-Uchendu
I know what you’re thinking, “Why is Ebuka on this list?” We all know Ebuka is one of the best dressed Nigerian celebrities, but can someone please ask my fave why he decided to wear this boring-ass suit after all these years of killing it on the red carpet? I’m perplexed, gobsmacked, and stressed. He’s on this list because he set a high bar and went ahead to fall my hand. It’s your fault, Ebuka. It’s all your fault.